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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

woman coming to toddler group without a toddler

31 replies

adventuregirl · 13/12/2007 19:41

I have namechanged so noone from our group knows its me. And a few details may be altered, but nothing that will change the story.

I help out at a toddler group. A woman from the local church has started to come along, and talks to the mums, and often tries to recruit to her church. I am not anti-religion by a long shot, but this makes me a bit uncomfortable. I think she thinks she is supporting the group, although she doesnt help and also doesnt pay.

In the past, she has handed out bible literature, but she was asked to stop by the group leader as she said it wasnt the appropriate place to do this.

She doesnt come to help, just to talk to the mums. I don't like the way she comes, without any children, to a group for parents and children. I know a couple of other mums feel the same way too. should we approach the leader and ask her to say something - perhaps something about it setting a precedent for people to come along without children?

I just find it a bit odd, and uncomfortable.

OP posts:

kerala · 13/12/2007 19:43

You'd think she'd have something better to do! Who on earth would go near one of those ear splitting groups if you didnt have a young child to entertain (and I speak as a regular attendee). How odd.

SatsumaMoon · 13/12/2007 19:43

If the toddler group is in a church hall and she is a member of that church it may be tricky - but if she is not connected to the group/building in any way I would say YANBU to say something....

clur79 · 13/12/2007 19:44

I would approach the leader, as I do think it is a tadd odd.

moondog · 13/12/2007 19:44

It's not on at all.
If she isn't helping run it or coming as a parent she has no place there.

hatrick · 13/12/2007 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

adventuregirl · 13/12/2007 19:45

Its not a church related toddler group.

kerala - we are a small group, so it;s not too earsplitting! but I know what you mean!

OP posts:

S1ur · 13/12/2007 19:50

Not on. Have a word.
People go to groups to socialise, share advice etc. not to be recruited.

TheIceQueen · 13/12/2007 19:52

If it's not a church related one (ie - not even using the church hall type thing) then I'd definitely have a word - that's not on.

As has been mentioned already - if it's a church related/in church hall one then it's little bit different....

Original poster

adventuregirl · 13/12/2007 19:54

glad everyone agrees IANBU.
so, next question, what do we say to her?

OP posts:

tatt · 13/12/2007 19:55

if she wants to tell parents about services for children she can put a poster up. If you feel generous she could come along on a specific occasion to give a little talk - say for 10 minutes.

Iused to attend a group where a pregnant woman new to the area came along for advice and companionship. I thought that was very sensible. We had a gran (with grandchild) and a childminder and that was no problem. But otherwise, no I don't think I'd be too happy.

SueBaRoomForAMincePie · 13/12/2007 19:58

That's a bit odd, to say the least. I mean, from a Christian perspective, I can understand wanting to serve and so on, but it doesn't appear that she is actually doing that.

If you just want her to sling her hook, then I'd politely say you don't feel it's appropriate for her to come anymore. If you want her to actually help then you could perhaps suggest she brings along refreshments or something. Odd one.

Original poster

adventuregirl · 13/12/2007 20:01

I think it would be better for her not to come. trouble is, she is a bit of a 'community person' iyswim, and I she is on the committee for another group I am on. (if anyone had suspiscions about knowing me, they will work it out from this post!)

You see why this is awkward?

OP posts:

scanner · 13/12/2007 20:05

Who's the person leading, another mum? in which case she will understand and may even agree or someone who is friendly with this lady?

I think if I were running a toddler group I'd feel it was a part of the job to deal with this sort of thing. Talk to her, she may put your mind at rest.

OhGiveUsAPruniPudding · 13/12/2007 20:11

Very much not on
I think you ought to tell her it is inappropriate and that being an example is a better way to get people interested in her church, rather than acting slightly oddly and overstepping the mark by handing out literature. (OK it's up to you what to say but I am always amazed that people think this is a good way to interest people in the church...)

SSStollenzeit · 13/12/2007 20:11

Does anyone know her better? I'm wondering if there is something else behind it, some sad story, death of a child or something which leads her to want to spend time with mothers and their little kids.

Original poster

adventuregirl · 13/12/2007 20:14

It kind of struck a chord that she may be a bit lonely - but she always talks about this that and the other church meeting she's been to, and people coming round and staying late.
She has no kids, but is in her early 50s (?).
Even if she DID have a sad story, I still think its quite uncomfortable.

OP posts:

TheIceQueen · 13/12/2007 20:17

If she's not actually doing anything to help then it sounds odd.

We have a couple of lovely old ladies from our church (admittedly it's a church run group, in the church and church hall) who come and help serve the teas and coffees, and squash - they come because they enjoy watching the children playing and having people (the mums) to chat to.

TheIceQueen · 13/12/2007 20:17

If she's not actually doing anything to help then it sounds odd.

camillathechicken · 13/12/2007 20:20

even if the group is connected to a church, then attempting to recruit, week in and week out, is not appropriate.

i go to a group in a church hall, if there is something relevant, like a harvest or a xmas service for families, then flyers are given out.

no pressure and no hassle

surely pushing people is counter porductive?

TheIceQueen · 13/12/2007 20:22

depends on the type of group - several of the church based ones in our town have a little "service" (story, children's choruses, marching round the church banging drums ) before snacks...... and general chaos.....so I'm not sure it's inappropriate to tell them about the other things happening in the church.......

SSStollenzeit · 13/12/2007 20:27

adventuregirl I'm not sure I understand what she's doing now. So she was handing out literature but stopped when she was asked to. Is it that she's always talking about what she does at church/in church groups (like it governs her conversation) or is she suggesting that people come to this and that activity all the time?

Don't know what to suggest really. I'm useless myself at telling people they are not welcome somewhere. Personally I just find that hard to do but perhaps the group leader who spoke to her successfully about the literature will manage to get the message across somehow inoffensively?

frostythesnowmum · 13/12/2007 20:35

It is not appropriate at all - If I was one of the other mums I'd be really pissed off if I got collared by her. There are some really odd people about aren't there. Sadly she is probably lonely but there are plenty of other groups she could go to. Is she mentally ill at all? I'd definately suggest she was banned.

pukkapatch · 13/12/2007 20:38

she shouldnt be coming.

Tommy · 13/12/2007 20:39

I think it's a bit peculiar full stop to come to a toddler group with no toddler (unless helping). We had a woman who came to our group a couple of times and just came in - didn't explain why she was there or anything. We had to prise out of her why she was there and it turned out that she was hoping to adopt and had been told to come to get involved with children's groups

She was definitly odd though and eventually the priset asked her not to come anymore (ours is a church run group). If your visitor is making people feel uncomfortable then she shouldn't come - end of.

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 13/12/2007 20:40

Well for starters there's a child protection concern here as I doubt she is CRB cleared.

You could use that as your starting point for a conversation with the group Leader.

Consider as an example the Peter Pan Playground in Kensington Park. Entry is denied to anybody without a child for reasons relating to child safety and protection.

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