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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu, or am I right?

18 replies

Candleropeheart · 13/11/2021 15:01

So ugh, apparently I'm a b*tch.?
slight back story, my parents were married for 27 years. Have been separated 7. Both have had new partners, mum is still with hers and they own a house now too.
Dad has a real big family. Mum has 1 sister both her parents are dead.

My siblings and I are throwing a family party for our cousin who got engaged recently. (Who also lives abroad so is not close with my mum) now I don't think mum should be there as my dad and his sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews who are all going are no longer her family (she ended this relationship! She also doesn't talk or will have seen anyone bar my granny outside of this planned event..) but my siblings are letting her as she wants to tag along and it is keeping her happy....?

Now my mums new bf isnt attending as "it's not his family" those being mums words not mine.
Yet I'm being unfair and horrible in saying she will make an embarrassment out of herself showing up to it when I'm really trying to spare her the embarrassment of people talking about her behind her back...

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 13/11/2021 15:05

Who is the blood relative? Is it dad or mum's niece? The blood relative should go and the other shouldn't

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/11/2021 15:06

Your cousin on your dad’s side?

I can’t see why your mother would be involved at all. I don’t see my aunt’s ex-husband, and I’m not sure why I would.

Original poster
Candleropeheart · 13/11/2021 15:16

All the blood relatives are my Dads.
Mum doesn't have any family other than one sister.

I honestly can't get my head round it at all if DH and I were to part I'd definitely not still expect an invite to his family gatherings!?!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 13/11/2021 15:20

How will just her presence be embarrassing?

Original poster
Candleropeheart · 13/11/2021 15:27

@merryoldgoat
She broke the relationship off. Broke dads heart. & now lives with another man who can't come to the party because ALL the guests going to it are related to my dad??

OP posts:
nordicnorth · 13/11/2021 15:34

I don't think it's something I would want to attend in this situation. But maybe as she was married to your dad for almost 30 years (presumably together at least this as well) would she feel that they are also her family too?

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2021 15:38

Fuck it let her go withdraw your objection who knows maybe your dad's family will be far too polite to say a word

Doomscrolling · 13/11/2021 15:41

I can see both sides, to be fair. For 27 years this was her niece. You divorce a spouse, not a family, so if she was still sending Christmas cards etc and feels she is Aunty XX, I could see her feeling hurt to be excluded.

However, if your cousin (who is the important one in this scenario) doesn't feel she has a relationship, that your mum is just her uncle's ex, then no, your mum shouldn't be invited.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/11/2021 15:56

I think I'd base my decision on how close she is to the cousin. I know if my mum and dad had split she would have still been really close to my cousins on my dads side as she was always very close to them growing up and it's her they keep in contact with not my dad.

It's a party for your cousin so if she isnt particularly close to them then it's a bit odd but I wouldnt say its embarrassing and I'd let her come unless you think it's going to create an atmosphere. In which case I'd say its not fair on the cousin to invite her

HeddaGarbled · 13/11/2021 16:07

Hmm. I think you’re carrying some anger towards your mum (“Broke dad’s heart”) which is colouring your judgement. If everyone else is OK with it, it’s not really any of your business.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/11/2021 16:16

how goes your father feel about her being invited?

Cocomarine · 13/11/2021 16:35

They were her family for TWENTY SEVEN YEARS.

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/11/2021 16:39

@Cocomarine

They were her family for TWENTY SEVEN YEARS.
Yes but OP says the cousin lives abroad and isn’t close to the mum.

That’s different to being very close to them as they grew up, and that closeness continuing. I don’t know you’d even be that keen to go in a situation where you weren’t even close to the person.

Quartz2208 · 13/11/2021 16:40

Why are you trying to spare her embarrassment? This is HER decision not yours.

It is clear that there will be some resentment on your Dads family but it is not your job to protect her

5keletor · 13/11/2021 16:49

I'd let her go to be honest, then maybe she'll realise when she's there and it's overwhelmingly awkward for her.

EmergencyHydrangea · 13/11/2021 16:56

Sounds like you are trying to punish her

Jabvribt · 13/11/2021 16:59

Will your dad mind? It sounds potentially awkward but unless it’d upset your dad I’d let her do what she wants

Chippymunks · 13/11/2021 17:06

I wouldn’t have invited DM as it’s your DF’s side of the family.

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