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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband doesnt appreciate birthday gifts

20 replies

jes777 · 13/11/2021 11:27

My husband is a much bigger earner than me, I work part time as we have a disabled son. His birthday is coming up next week and I ve saved hard to spend around £300 on him and a meal out, etc. He has expensive clothes delivered all the time so I do feel that my gifts are meagre as he is used to buying what he wants when he wants. This morning he said to me dont worry about buying me an expensive gift I will buy my own (he says he is teying to be kind) even though he knows I have already spent a good amount on him and he has presents waiting. Am I being reasonable in saying that I feel by saying he will buy his own birthday presents he isnt appreciating what I have already bought him.

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 13/11/2021 12:13

Is what you are buying him something he would buy himself, or something you want to get him but thay he might not like?
Does anyone else buy for him, or has he told others not to worry?

Original poster
jes777 · 13/11/2021 12:17

I buy him what he asks for, usually clothes and then aftershave and some smaller random items that I choose, he doesnt tell anyone else not to buy for him.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 13/11/2021 12:20

I’d take back what you can and get your money back.

GiltEdges · 13/11/2021 12:22

he doesnt tell anyone else not to buy for him

Presumably he doesn’t know the intricacies of everyone else’s financial situations, whereas he knows you’ll have had to save really hard to buy expensive presents for him and he doesn’t want you to make that sacrifice? Unless you have other reason to doubt him, I’d take at face value that he’s trying to be considerate and not buy him anything / return what you’ve already bought.

Ponoka7 · 13/11/2021 12:25

I think that for decent earners adult gifts are pointless. Being so close to you means that he can be honest and say not to bother. It should be about a nice meal/evening etc together. Is he making up your income because you've had to go part-time?

SomebodysMum · 13/11/2021 12:27

He buys what he wants when he wants, but you have to save as hard as you can because you earn less as you’re looking after your joint child?

Im sorry but I think you have bigger problems than birthday presents not being appreciated.

HalfpastFlea · 13/11/2021 12:29

Why are you having to save hard when he can splash the cash with abandon?

Ricetwisty · 13/11/2021 12:29

I think there's evidently a bigger issue regarding finances if you're scrimping together pennies and he is spending on what he wants, but that's perhaps another discussion.

If he isn't fussed on you getting him something then don't get him anything, or perhaps just something small or from your little one. My DH isn't overly fussed on birthdays, he makes an effort for mine as he knows I enjoy them, but for his he genuinely isn't arsed and so I just get him something if I know he definitely wants it, but we just get a dominos or something; he would hate something planned.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/11/2021 12:32

Why do you not have the same access to spending money as your husband? Surely in a marriage you are equals, and your sacrificing a career & salary to care for your disabled child shouldn't mean your husband can have expensive things delivered regularly while you scrimp & save for a gift he might deign to like? I can't fathom such unfairness in a so called partnership & family.

Bancha · 13/11/2021 12:39

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Why do you not have the same access to spending money as your husband? Surely in a marriage you are equals, and your sacrificing a career & salary to care for your disabled child shouldn't mean your husband can have expensive things delivered regularly while you scrimp & save for a gift he might deign to like? I can't fathom such unfairness in a so called partnership & family.
Exactly this! Surely if you’re married and have a child together, you don’t have ‘different’ money, it’s just family money? DH earns twice what I earn but I don’t have less money than he does. I can’t imagine how your DH could feel comfortable with this scenario.
Original poster
jes777 · 13/11/2021 12:39

I just feel that he has an idea in his head what he would like for his birthday and that my presents arent enough so he will by them, thats how I feel anyway, he probably doesnt intend to make me feel that way but he does.

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 13/11/2021 12:41

My husband is a much bigger earner than me, in fact I don’t earn at all these days, early retirement. I expect (and do) have full access to his earnings. I am currently buying his Christmas presents which will be paid for out of his earnings, for us it is about thinking about things rather than the amount of money we spend on each other.

I find it quite sad that you have to skimp and scrape and he tells you not to worry to be nice. If he were being nice he would be properly sharing finances!

mrsbyers · 13/11/2021 12:41

I ask mine what he wants and take notes during the year of things that he shows interest in as I’m the higher earner , things like an Ooni pizza maker , brewing equipment etc

Teeturtle · 13/11/2021 12:44

@mrsbyers

I ask mine what he wants and take notes during the year of things that he shows interest in as I’m the higher earner , things like an Ooni pizza maker , brewing equipment etc
I have been showing interest in an ooni pizza maker for two years to no avail. Will you marry me? 😁
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/11/2021 12:46

He may very well be trying to be kind. Maybe he wants you to spend your personal money on you not him?

OnGoldenPond · 13/11/2021 13:49

The big issue here is that you are having to save hard to scrape together £300 from part time earnings while your high earner DH spends money like water.

You are a low earner at least partly due to caring for a disabled child. Would love to see how he would keep up his big job if you were not taking up the slack for him on this. Even if the child is not his I couldn't see my spouse struggle like this.

The whole situation stinks of financial abuse. I wouldn't be buying him presents of any kind anytime soon.

OnGoldenPond · 13/11/2021 13:52

OP, have you considered what I and other posters have said on this thread? I really hope you are giving this some serious thought for your own sake.

Original poster
jes777 · 13/11/2021 14:44

Financial abuse is something Ive thought about, I am considering asking him for a bank card for his main bank account so I can buy stuff for kids if I need it, re-reading this it is setting in how unfair my situation is

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 13/11/2021 14:55

There's so much more to this than presents.

Why are you scrimping and saving to get access to £300 when he has expensive clothes arriving weekly?

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 13/11/2021 15:07

I can't get past the fact that you have to try to save hard, while he orders expensive things for himself. Is he not prepared to share his earnings while you care for your disabled child?

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