Am I doing CBT wrong or expecting too much?

[nodogz]

Right, come on here to get put straight. I don't know if I'm being a sensitive flower or not!

TLDR
I'm doing CBT for self esteem and I'm put out because the therapist said I need to try more
AIBU - try harder and do the work they suggest
YANBU - that sounds different to my experience of CBT, maybe it's not a good fit with this therapist?

I'm doing NHS CBT work as I've had an awful year and trying anything to feel better. I've got some sessions to try and unpick my very low self-esteem.

But I never seem to have the right answers for the therapist. Like she asked me to set goals for the week to do something I'd never tried before or want to do and I said I have no idea what I could do? I have no hobbies or real interests and haven't ever (always putting myself last). She suggested something that didn't appeal (couch25k) and I said no thanks and gave some mitigating factors. But then she said I have to want to change in what I took to be an exasperated way.

I do seem to spend my time saying "I don't know" throughout the sessions and just upsetting myself going over painful feelings. I don't know the answers to the questions asked and I feel lost in the process - like I'm doing feelings "wrong". I'm trying hard to be honest with her and myself and be open to new stuff but I'm getting the vibe she thinks I'm a bullshitter or quitter (I'm not, I'm genuinely afraid and worried about breaking forever if another bad thing happens). I expected to be coached more through the process or guided toward achievable goals.

I feel like quitting the whole thing tbh. I can commit to a coffee with a friend once a week as a nice thing to do but can't see what that will achieve if I'm never honest with my friend in the weekly meeting. I could do it for the rest of my and still never believe that my friend genuinely likes me or wants to spend time about with me or would want to hear how I really am. I thought we'd be tackling why I'm like that rather than just doing more pretending?

CBT is more about coping strategies & challenging negative thoughts. The book CBT for Dummies explains it really simply & gives 5min exercises for this. I found it really helped. I think she's trying to boost your general mood. Your list is a great start. I like learning crafting & decor hacks on You Tube when I'm low. I'm currently making fab all white & silver xmas ornaments with air dry clay, ribbon & the cutest heart & star shape cutters 😁

CBT is ‘evidence-based’ because they have cherry picked the evidence.

In reality, for years, all the research has shown that change at any meaningful level comes from the relationship between therapist and client. But meaningful relationships take time to build and of course, time is money.

The NHS push CBT because it can be manualised and used by less experienced professionals (I.e. not psychotherapist or psychologist) and therefore is cheaper to roll out. They measure short-term improvements on symptoms but this doesn’t actually correlate with improved quality of life for most people, especially in the long-term and especially with complex or long-standing mental health issues.

Please don’t feel that you are doing it wrong, it makes me very sad that vulnerable people are feeling this. I also had that experience in the past although not with NHS (cbt made me feel worse as I didn’t get better and this was supposedly proven to make you better - so the problem had to be with me, right?). What helped me was long term therapy with a very experienced therapist.

There are lots of things about CBT I like - challenging cognitions and working on your behaviour are really important. But humans are complicated, it’s about how we relate not just how we think or feel.

Unfortunately, unless you are really lucky or very ill, you are unlikely to get an experienced therapist on the NHS