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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do l meet him?

26 replies

Grendalsmum · 12/11/2021 10:21

When l was nineteen l was in a five year relationship with a musician from my home town. It ended when l went to uni and he started shagging other people. I then met DP and lived happily ever after for decades until yesterday when l went round to see my mum and found a letter from Old Boyfriend saying he's been thinking about me and wants to meet up.
Part of me is really curious to see what he's been up to all these years and find out what happened to all the people we used to hang around with. Also by a weird coincedence we are both working in stained glass, him as a business and me as a hobby. What's the harm in a catch-up chat?
The other larger, more sensible side of me thinks this is an awful idea. Why open up this can of worms again? DP won't like it ( understandably - l wouldn't if things were reversed ) l don't trust this bloke, he was a bit of a user back in the day and probably hasn't changed much - at the moment he has no idea l'm still in the area and my cynical head thinks life would be a lot simpler if it stayed that way. There are lots of people from my dim past who l'd be really happy to hear from again but when l saw the envelope ( he has very distinctive writing ) my heart sank. I'd be a complete idiot to write back, wouldn't l?

OP posts:
FrankGrillosFloof · 12/11/2021 10:24

Bin the letter and forget about it. You know this is the only thing to do.

Sashimiandhisthunderpaws · 12/11/2021 10:26

Yes you would be. Destroy the letter and forget about it. No good will come from it and you don't want to damage your relationship with your partner for the sake of curiosity.

FluffyBooBoo · 12/11/2021 10:28

I honestly can't think of a good reason for you to get in touch with him. The only reason you've come up with is to find out about other people... that's not really worth it imo.

SoniaFouler · 12/11/2021 10:31

Yes you would. So don’t.

Original poster
Grendalsmum · 12/11/2021 10:43

Thanks - it's in the bin. I just needed a push! It's not like l actually want to be friends with him so what's the point?

OP posts:
HerBigChance · 12/11/2021 10:56

If your first reaction was a sinking heart when you saw his handwriting, that's your answer. Go with your instinct and don't contact him.

Sn0tnose · 12/11/2021 11:33

I think you’ve done the right thing. I wonder whether he’s having a bit of a mid life crisis and assessing the mistakes he has made, thinking that he wants to get back to where he last had an easy time of it.

Either way, there would be nothing positive in it for you.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/11/2021 11:36

A fuckboy looking for fuck.
Must be going through his little black book.
Bin the letter.

bumpertobumper · 12/11/2021 11:42

Or maybe he wants to apologise for treating you badly, make amends.
Not saying you should meet him if you don't want to, but he might have good intentions

AryaStarkWolf · 12/11/2021 11:45

@Grendalsmum

Thanks - it's in the bin. I just needed a push! It's not like l actually want to be friends with him so what's the point?
That's the right choice.
Youdoyoutoday · 12/11/2021 11:45

Curiosity killed the cat!

Worst idea ever!!

Skeumorph · 12/11/2021 11:46

@Grendalsmum

Thanks - it's in the bin. I just needed a push! It's not like l actually want to be friends with him so what's the point?
Exactly.

The only reason you've felt conflicted is because it's natural to feel flattered when someone clearly makes an effort to contact etc.

But from what you've said about this guy - 100% no. It's a guarantee that there'll be nothing positive in this for you!

  • wants a shag
  • weird curiosity for some reason
  • wants something else

Bin is good.

Suzi888 · 12/11/2021 11:48

Well done for binning him off, no good can come of this (even if you were single!)

Overitallnow · 12/11/2021 11:50

BURN it so you are not tempted to fish it out of the bin.

Juniper68 · 12/11/2021 11:51

Good choice.
I've had a few messages from exes before. They're probably just wanting their egos stroking, a shag or both.

3scape · 12/11/2021 12:17

You've made the best choice.

LucentBlade · 12/11/2021 12:22

SIL had a msg from her ex Uni BF, he has been unfaithful 20 years earlier. She seemed excited, I said don’t be daft and don’t reply. She did and then straight away it was his wife didn’t understand him. She was still contemplating meeting him. She is dim generally, DH and I persuaded her not to meet him. DH clearly remembered the mess she had been in when he had been so awful to her.

Don’t even contemplate it.

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 12/11/2021 12:26

You did the right thing.Never look back.

Baluchistan95 · 12/11/2021 15:05

@Grendalsmum

Thanks - it's in the bin. I just needed a push! It's not like l actually want to be friends with him so what's the point?
You have done the right thing.
lonelyapple · 12/11/2021 15:47

Meet up with him!

Original poster
Grendalsmum · 12/11/2021 16:11

I've been thinking about it and l reckon my subconcious wants a chance to get even. That's why l was tempted to go - a sort of "Hah! Look what you missed" final Fuck You. So l'm not very impressed with myself, to be honest, revenge is best served cold and all that but this particular bit of yah-boo-sucks-to-be-you is miles past it's sell-by date and he's probably a happily married multimillionaire with six children anyway! Grin

We split up in the middle of my finals and l was a real mess for a bit so part of me wants a final act where he claims he's always loved me and l tell him to do one - but it's not worth the hassle, really ...

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 12/11/2021 16:20

I think you answered the question yourself in your first post. No reason at all to meet up.

Malibuismysecrethome · 12/11/2021 16:38

It could be part of the 12 steps of AA. You go back and apologise to people you have wronged in the past I believe. Seems strange he’s contacted you

Odoreida · 12/11/2021 16:51

Very excited that you mention what the actual hobby is, especially as it is so niche! But yes, don't meet him.

pomeranianfluff · 12/11/2021 17:19

You know that song. Goes, burn baby burn. Yep that's where that letter needs to go. On the fire. Burning away. Along with your terrible desires to meet him whatever the reasons.