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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always going on about diet

26 replies

LittleRedFoxy · 12/11/2021 10:18

Hello! First time poster, long time lurker!
I've got a severe B12 deficiency, which I'm getting treatment for but still leaves me struggling with fatigue - I usually need to take a nap in the day.
Last night, DH asks how my day was etc and mentioned I looked tired and I said, yes, I'm really struggling with fatigue today. His response was maybe we should look at your diet and get you out exercising. Now, I know I do need to lose weight but the cause of my fatigue is nothing to do with weight or what I eat. It really upset me as this was all he could see - me being overweight. He then gave me a half hearted apology for upsetting me but refused to apologise for his comment. And then went off for a walk by himself. So, we're barely speaking to each other this morning.

YANBU - He should apologise properly
YABU - I should get a grip and not be so sensitive

OP posts:
Mercurial123 · 12/11/2021 10:22

Walking always helps me feel better when I'm fatigued. It helped when I was going through chemo. Also, when I was getting vitamin b12 injections. He shouldn't be mentioning your weight though.

ASinisterPlot · 12/11/2021 10:43

It really upset me as this was all he could see - me being overweight

But he didn't mention your weight? He said let's look at your diet and exercise. Which is perfectly reasonable as a good nourishing diet and being fit DOES help with fatigue when you're B12 deficient. It sounds like a caring suggestion to me, unless there's something else you're not mentioning in your OP.

MrzClaus · 12/11/2021 10:59

Saying "maybe we should look at your diet and get you out exercising" isn't necessarily linked to weight - unless he said "you are overweight" before that sentence, then obviously it is! Diet and exercise are really important alongside the B12 injections, especially light exercise like walking. That's what I was advised anyway - it's all bigger picture, just the injections won't have a miracle effect on it's own, there's lifestyle changes that can help too.

That's what it sounds like he was suggesting reading your OP - unless you've left out other bits where he's actually mentioned your weight!

Original poster
LittleRedFoxy · 12/11/2021 11:04

I know what you mean, and if my diet was bad, I'd understand him mentioning it. But he's anti-carb, anti-sugar, and-meat. And I'm not. I'm a size 18. I don't eat takeaways, generally, and like to cook. I don't usually cook with meat, and don't tend to keep snacks in the house as a rule. Yes, I could exercise more, and you're right, walking would probably help. I think I just wanted a kind word and instead got the feeling that he thinks I've brought this all on myself.

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 12/11/2021 11:08

@LittleRedFoxy "But he's anti-carb, anti-sugar, and-meat"

LTB 😂

In all seriousness, hopefully it was just a one off unsupportive comment? It sounds like your diet isn't terrible!

JumperandJacket · 12/11/2021 11:11

Sounds like he made a sensible suggestion and you interpreted it as criticism through insecurity.

CalamariGames · 12/11/2021 11:13

But he's anti-carb, anti-sugar, and-meat

What does he even eat? 😳
To be fair I do think it was an OK comment as improving diet and exercise could still help your fatigue even if your diet is OK to start with. Is he funny about your weight though? That may be why you felt attacked.

PinkMochi · 12/11/2021 11:25

He’s anti-carb? You need carbs for a healthy balanced diet. Does he have an eating disorder? Nevertheless, it does seem that your weight and poor diet is contributing to your fatigue and nutrient deficiencies.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2021 11:26

But he's anti-carb, anti-sugar, and-meat

That’s not leaving him with very much!

Also it’s up to you to look at your diet and exercise, not “we”

Getting outside and exercising would surely help? Although my personal view is that exercise only helps with energy levels if you can get both rest and sleep as well.

Original poster
LittleRedFoxy · 12/11/2021 11:28

I think you folks are right, maybe I was a bit over sensitive. Still might LTB though... 😂

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 12/11/2021 11:33

Your husband was saying but not saying well if you eat my way and have a walk you will feel better lose weight and I will have cured you ! I have chronic fatigue good and bad days and on bad days "a walk" doesn't give me energy ! Your husband is insensitive even if he is trying to help

VeganCheesePlease · 12/11/2021 11:33

I agree that this definitely doesn't seem like it was made to upset or offend you. A good diet and the right exercise are important for everyone, regardless of weight- are you maybe upset moreso because he started giving advice when all you wanted a hug and some sympathy? We have all been there!!
The fact that he's apologised for upsetting you does make it sound like he really did mean no harm.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/11/2021 11:34

B12 deficiency is grim but once you’re getting jabs often enough it makes a huge difference.

Beyond that, of course what you eat and how much you move has a big impact on how you feel. He didn’t call you a fat cow or tell you stop eating junk, he made a general comment suggesting you might feel better if you looked at your lifestyle. He’s probably right.

Hope you have more energy soon. Don’t settle for jabs every 12 weeks if it’s not enough.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/11/2021 11:37

I think YABU, sounds like he cares about you and was just trying to help

BIWI · 12/11/2021 11:41

When you say he's 'anti carb' I'm assuming that you mean pasta/rice/potatoes/bread - and not vegetables and fruit?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with cutting back on the former and increasing the latter. And he's certainly right to be anti-sugar!

If you're not eating much meat, as you say you're not cooking much with it, that could possibly be one thing you need to look at. I presume you're having injections for B12 deficiency? There are good food sources that will also help you, which are:

  • meat
  • salmon and cod
  • milk and other dairy products
  • eggs

(from the NHS website)

Also, of course, being overweight won't be helping you. Are you doing any exercise? Lack of activity will also not be helping.

I'm sorry that you were upset by what he said, and he was probably a bit insensitive, but I think what he's saying is essentially right, and he was only trying to help you. Let's face it, he did notice that you looked tired, and offered some way of trying to help you!

Sundancerintherain · 12/11/2021 11:41

Usually I would agree with the op but in this case I honestly think he was trying to help. A good diet isnt the same as a weight loss diet. A good diet includes all food groups and focuses on nutrition.

Hoppinggreen · 12/11/2021 11:45

My DH lost almost 3 stone by doing keto and largely veggie
He’s really fucking annoying now so I feel your pain
Every little ache or minor ailment I get leads to a lecture on sugar being the devils work and I get comments like “oh, you are eating bread then?”
I don’t have a bad diet and don’t eat processed food or much meat and I do need to lose weight but I really wish he would shut up about insulin and reprogramming my brain

Doubledenimrock · 12/11/2021 11:49

The problem with pernicious anaemia / b12 deficiency is that a person's stomach lacks the enzymes to utilise b12 from food. So change your diet but you will still need jabs. Plus vegetarians generally need to supplement with b12. Hes barking up the wrong tree

Doubledenimrock · 12/11/2021 11:50

Hoppinggreen..he'll be back on the carbs in a few months...been there done that..

Original poster
LittleRedFoxy · 12/11/2021 11:56

@Hoppinggreen

My DH lost almost 3 stone by doing keto and largely veggie He’s really fucking annoying now so I feel your pain Every little ache or minor ailment I get leads to a lecture on sugar being the devils work and I get comments like “oh, you are eating bread then?” I don’t have a bad diet and don’t eat processed food or much meat and I do need to lose weight but I really wish he would shut up about insulin and reprogramming my brain
Oh my god! This! All the time!!
OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 12/11/2021 12:03

I'm sure I am oversensitive, but that would annoy me too. There is a big difference between "sorry you've had a bad day, hopefully the treatment will help, but is it worth looking at how we can include more vitamins in our food?" "I fancy a walk, it would great for us both to go, fresh air might help" and a something that comes over as "well obviously you need me to mansplain nutrition" ...

Like I said I'm oversensitive!

Hoping the treatment does improve things Flowers

Toomanyradishes · 12/11/2021 12:37

On the surface his comment is innocuous, but i have lived with someone who was the self appointed food police and its fucking relentless. Every throw away comment about food is pounced on as proof that you are 'bad' and they are good. Even eating sugar once a year is seem as a terrible life choice on a par with a crime and the cutting out of food groups gets worse and worse, it starts off no gluten, then no sugar, then no fruit, dairy, fungi, carbs, processed food etc etc If he is jn any way like that then yanbu because its not just the one comment its the background noise behind it, the constant food commentary etc

Hoppinggreen · 12/11/2021 13:05

@Doubledenimrock

Hoppinggreen..he'll be back on the carbs in a few months...been there done that..
Annoyingly he hasn’t
Hoppinggreen · 12/11/2021 13:06

@Doubledenimrock

Hoppinggreen..he'll be back on the carbs in a few months...been there done that..
He’s re programmed his brain apparently
MereDintofPandiculation · 12/11/2021 13:10

IS the problem that you were simply looking for a little bit of sympathy? He treated it as a problem solving opportunity. And that came over to you as "it's your own fault, if you exercised more and eat more healthily, you wouldn't be fatigued. You've only yourself to blame". Whereas he thought he was giving you useful practical advice and can't really understand why you rejected it?