AIBU to still be ruminating on this? Would you be?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I've posted on here about my son with diagnosed ADHD that I think may actually be autism. I have been thinking more and more that he might get it from me. I've at times been very social (when younger), and I do have a handful of very good lifelong friends, but I do struggle with pretty extreme social anxiety, I could never even imagine being in a large group of girlfriends, I can't stand house guests (even if they're people I love), and I was bullied pretty badly as a young teen, though found my footing at university a lot better. It's impacted my career, I feel completely drained from social interactions, even if I enjoy it at the time. And I cannot speak in public or do the schmoozing part of my old career, I hate it. Anyway, I think this my have been me masking, all my life. I've had a couple of friendships end without me understanding why (so I assume I've done something "off"), but I have managed to have some really good ones too. I have a husband and family who I truly love and feel comfortable with (as much as is possible for me, I'm always a bit uncomfortable).

ANYWAY point of the post. I have vowed to put myself out there a bit more, we moved to a new village and I have been taking a women's pottery class for a while now. Everyone is very chatty and friendly, we've been out to dinner as a group. I was away sick and missed last week.

One of the women there told me that the teacher had said: "even though Peggy is present, there's an absence about her". I am feeling crushed. I try really hard to participate in the chats, I say more about my life than I would usually, I thought I was making a decent show of being "normal" and it appears I havent been. I want to quit and not go back, while also knowing that's silly, and would be very sad when I enjoy the pottery part of it. I literally have been reading about how to make friends/teachgniques for dealing with social situations as an introvert and I was doing those things. Like being vulnerable, asking questions, remembering and following up.
It's really hurt me, and I feel like I've been rumbled. Does this sound like adult autism?

I also found that while there is a group chat with the class (which I am on, and is quite active), the others have made Facebook friends/been on outings in smaller groups. I dont necessarily want to do that, but it does show there may be something off-putting about me?
I was also left out of my new mothers group, a smaller splinter group broke off and became besties and I wasn't chosen. It wasn't just me, but I'm never chosen, if you know what I mean. And I do seem to have trouble telling how close friends I am with someone (I've thought we were best friends and they've definitely not reciprocated). My maid of honour came to town for two weeks after living OS for years. She didn't even contact me, for example. So I think there's definitely some issues with my understanding of social cues.

It actually sounds quite a perceptive and caring comment to me. You say you are putting a lot of effort in to presenting as normal and the teacher has picked up on this. It sounds to me like you’re giving something different a go and I wouldn’t give up yet.

ADHD presents differently in women, it could be that you have ADHD rather than autism.

I empathise though, I am very similar to you. I’ve got friends but struggle to make close relationships. And I am never chosen for the smaller friendship groups that form from larger ones either.

Wow, watching as I can relate to most of that!

I'm really hoping someone can relate, who is further along in the realisation process than me (I'm 41).
Lockdown has made me feel like I'm being totured, the noise of everyone home all the time, never being alone, it feels like I'm being tortured. This is my family who I love, and my kids! I can manage ok when there's a break, but it's been like actual physical pain. I dont think this is normal, surely, it sounds like sensory processing issues? I have told my husband we can't have anyone to stay, we're going to start paying for their hotel, I can't bear the thought of someone in my space.

I think it sounds like you may have social anxiety and asd. However I am not a professional but do have a female child with asd who reminds me of many of the things you have said in your post. Please don't give up the pottery. It sounds like you are enjoying it. I do think it was unprofessional of the teacher to comment about you to this lady and not very nice of the lady to tell you!!! It might be worth pursuing an adult diagnosis. The first step would be to talk to a supportive GP if you have one and tell them what you are thinking. Having a diagnosis has been good for my daughter as it is an easy way to explain why things are going differently with her to other people who need to know. Society is becoming much more understanding of these things too and people are keen to cut some slack for differences where as in the past people might be seen as awkward or difficult. Good Luck with this.

Feel for you.
In the friendship groups, I feel that some people are more willing to put themselves out there. They share and are more open. I am more private and reserved so I get that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea. I do better with meeting 1 or 2 people rather than larger groups.
Take care

I had a very traumatic/dysfunctional childhood, and have always thought it was anxiety related to that... but it might have been this all along, with a difficult home life thrown into the mix.

Hi, this sounds very hard and I can see you are very hurt by the teacher’s insensitive comment, but I don’t think you should dwell on what is likely a throwaway remark from some woman who thinks she has people all pegged.

One thing that struck me, and you said in your heartfelt thread about your son too, was that you want to appear ‘normal’ (and you wished he would even if it meant pretending). But now it is recognised that ‘masking’ is very stressful and can really increase social anxiety. I think often when people are diagnosed then they feel able to drop or at least mask less often and be themselves.

I have a lovely friend who struggled to hold on to jobs and relationships, both friends and romantic ones. She was diagnosed with ASD in her 40s but then it took her a couple more years to live what she terms her ‘authentic life’, pursuing her more solitary, self-determined hobby as a job, feeling less pressure to socialise and sometimes explaining to people that she had had enough at certain points. For instance she did have friends to stay and they stayed up drinking wine but at 11pm my friend went to bed, just saying ‘it’s been lovely but I’ve had enough now, it’s my asd, see you in the morning’, I know my friend still mourns that she finds friendships tricky and longs for easy, comfortable ‘gangs’ but also is more accepting of herself that, for her, more time alone and friendships with a few people who get her and interacting with people more on her own terms is better.

Sorry, bit rambling and third hand but I wish you and your son all the best.

I bet you laugh out loud at this in a good way and a sad way. We are current trying to get a diagnosis for our DD but she’s so much like me as well.

Thank you. Just to clarify what I meant about my son being “normal”, what I meant was, I don’t care if he has to fake being nice to people. Because I believe that with practice, then it will become like any other habit, not so much effort. I don’t want him to change who he is at his core, just be less hurtful in what he says.
It doesn’t stress me out to be nice to people, I can do that, it’s just the sustained interaction and group dynamics. But thanks for your answer, I appreciate you taking the time and hope I’m at the beginning as the same journey as your friend.

I mean, I don’t think he’ll ever be popular or cool, or fit in so easily, but he does need to learn to be kinder to people, he can be different but still not hurt peoples feelings all the time, even if just takes being quiet and not blurting out the thought. I do think he can learn this. I hope so!

Hi OP, I often felt like this, growing up and now, I’m always more comfortable with one or two close friends rather than a group. I don’t care for small talk or general chatting, I prefer to connect with people one to one and talk about things that actually matter to me. I’m friendly to other parents at my sons’ school, but haven’t found any like-minded folks so haven’t developed any friendships out of those. And I’m ok with that! It used to really bother me when I was growing up, that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, but in my twenties I learned about introverts & extroverts, that introverts draw their energy from within & don’t need to interact with loads of other people like extroverts do; but extroversion has been presented as the norm in society for so long and that’s why introverts often feel like they don’t belong. I’m good with it now, I value my introversion! I’d recommend reading Susan Cain’s work on introverts, if you haven’t already, it helped me understand myself better! All the best OP.

OP you sound shockingly like me! My son was diagnosed with ASD age 13 and then ADHD at 15 (they are often comorbid). His consultant thought I may well have both conditions. I have recently had my own diagnosis for inattentive type ADHD. I decided not to pursue an asd diagnosis as it won't really "help" (whereas I am now medicated for adhd which has been very successful with some of my inattentive issues).

Since I twigged that is what is "wrong" with me - I've experienced social issues very much like yours my whole life - it's actually allowed me some sort of peace. I'd always wondered where I was going wrong. I seemed to be doing everything right but people often still seemed awkward and uncomfortable around me and I couldn't work out why. I thought maybe I was somehow a horrible person without realising. But it's much more likely that I have a very slight delay in my communication with people. I need a split second to think about is it my turn to speak/ was that a joke or not/ was that a compliment or sarcasm and I think that gives off a very subtle nuance that something is not quite "right" which of course it isn't as I'm slightly neurodiverse! It's enabled me to think more kindly about myself.

I've had comments like I look like I'm a million miles away or that I'm giving dirty looks (it's actually just my brain taking a second to unscramble the situation and what I need to say next). I don't have loads of friends and find it hard to get beyond aquantance stage, though these days I'm happier in my own company or small circle anyway. However those friends I do have are really good friends. Several of them have since confided that when we first met they thought I was a bitch/unfriendly or a bit weird but they thought I was great once they got to know me.

I don't know if those ramblings help at all!

I also wanted to say that my son struggled with friendships in earlier years. He didn't mask like I (and many females) do/ did. However he is 16 now and a year or so ago he suddenly "found his tribe" and he's now very sociable! I'm so happy for him. I think he did develop an awareness of other's perceptions and his ADHD meds did calm his brain down a bit ... not sure ... but something seemed to click into place that made social skills easier to cope with.

Oh gosh honeylulu I hope that can happen for my son!

Thank you to all who have responded. It’s a shame to have taken so long to have this realisation, but I know this happens to lots of people as adults.

Regardless of whether that comment is "true" or not (and YADNBU for ruminating) its incredibly rude and hurtful.
Firstly, what the fuck is the teacher making comments like that anyway, if she's known you for ten years as an acquaintance that's one thing but she's supposed to be teaching you not offering an unqualified psych report. Secondly, who is the person to pass that message on?! What's that all about? What was that person trying to achieve? To upset you?! I cannot bear people who pass on insults. There's absolutely no need.
Anyone would ruminate on that comment.
I wouldn't be able to let it go until I'd spoken to these people about it. I would say something like "I've been reflecting on that comment you made to me about me being absent. It was quite hurtful, and I wondered why you felt it was important to tell me". Cue them blustering, and then me saying "I'm not absent enough not to be hurt by mean comments".

I would want to delve into what they meant. I would be asking the person passing it on what they think it meant and then ask the teacher to explain.. it needn't be a confrontation, it WAS inappropriate but use it positively to open a conversation about the perception of others. You can then stop guessing and either make peace with that perception or keep working on strategies to mask.

I too realise that I am one of those people who make some others uncomfortable, I can just tell so it makes me even more nervous around them, it's a vicious circle.
Accept this and spend time with people who are easy to be around.

It really is hard isn’t it? My social anxiety, combined with the fact I’m pretty sure my son has a got a bad reputation because of his adhd behaviours, makes me absolutely terrified of the school gates.
We are only invited to birthdays where the whole class is, there’s always a get together for some of the families on the last day of school each year, one time we were coincidentally at the same place, and they just looked at us like we were on fire or something. It was so awful.
I wish I knew what they knew, or what they perceived so quickly! These school parents aren’t probably my choice of friends either, but I’m envious of the fact they can actually socialise in groups and their kids can play together nicely!

It’s very hard to build on anything anyway with my son the way he is. We can’t meet up with other families etc.

there's another thread running about ADHD that you might find interesting if you've not seen it already.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4400917-To-be-overwhelmed-by-normal-life

Thank you! I’ll check it out.