Sibling jealousy big age gap re older children

[Crazycakelady17]

Just a bit of background so not to drip feed I don’t work haven’t for about 5 years due to severe mental health, my Dh works full time middle management £43k but we are in the north so we are comfortable with that income plus my PIP I get high rate for both mobility and care
We have 3 DC 20 at uni 2nd year also works as many hours as he can, 17 second year college also works weekends, 12 did y7.
We ended up having a huge argument with DS2 (17) tonight as I wouldn’t give him £85 for some new trainers.
For reference we pay half DS1 uni accomodation and give him £30 a week towards food, DS2 we pay for a monthly bus/tram ticket plus he gets £80 a month spending money,
DD 12 doesn’t have a set amount of spending money but has £10 here and there to go cinema swimming etc we also pay over £300 for her activities dance 4 times a week and horse riding once a week.
DS2 has said he’s the middle child we don’t love him the other two get loads more money and why can’t he has the trainers he also insists on a certain haircut that he HAS to have cut every two weeks minimum.
My gut reaction was to walk away from him and say have a think about his privilege.
It’s made me feel like I have brought up an entitled child at the moment we do spend less on him but he for over 5 years competed to a high level in a sport that cost us a fortune I think in a family it all evens out over the years yes DD will seem to have more but at her age he cost us a lot more.
I don’t even know why I have wrote this long post as I know I’m not being unreasonable and the whole he’s a great kid they all are but the expectation I would rustle up £85 7 weeks before Christmas makes me question things

You're paying over £300 for your youngest to do hobbies and have fun, but you're only giving the middle one £80? Yeah he's right to be annoyed! Paying for his bus ticket isn't a treat, it's functional, presumably his trainers are a functional need too. Stump up for his shoes.

I'd discount the support given to the one at uni as presumably you'll support the other 2 financially in the future for similar things. I mean the bus and tram if he requires it to get to school or college i wouldn't count it as presumably its something he needs to have. Whilst the younger is getting £10 here and there (which probably adds up a fair bit over a month) as well as expensive hobbies, then no I don't think he's unreasonable to want a pair of trainers which are a functional item of clothing. Sure he could have a tenner for a cheap brand, but they probably won't last.

From what you've written, it sounds like the other two are favoured. But you've already made your mind up, so.

Did the other posters not read the OP? She spend more on DC2 when he was DDs age. So how are the other 2 favoured?

What did you give the eldest when he was 17? Also how much are you paying for housing for him?

I think your name change failed there….

But yes he does have middle child syndrome. Either real or perceived, he thinks you favor the other two. Since you say you support all the children if they show aptitude or interest in something it’s hard to say if there is parity there.

I’m not going to say that you should buy the shoes, but perhaps you might want to listen to him when he says you favor the other two. I’d guess it’s more than the shoes that’s bothering him.

I don’t favour any of them if im honest he’s the easiest but he’s also the one who’s always asking for money

This is a telling statement. I’m going to guess the others got more attention so he sees money as a demonstration of attention and effort on your part.

You do seem keen to make the money even, but what about time and effort?