Being a step mum

[FU81]

I need advice..to keep it fairly short I’ve been a SM to my husband’s daughter for 8 years & she has lived with me & husband for 5. She has had very little contact with her mother in the 5 years she has lived with us but she’s always had open contact so no restrictions. In the last few months she has told us that she no longer wants to see her mum & asked that we don’t encourage contact or try to arrange any. I understand that it’s her choice but I also think it’s important that she maintains a relationship with her, I’m stuck between a rock & a hard place..

I think you have to respect her wishes. You haven't said how old she, but I'm assuming she is old enough to know what she wants and understand the implications of cutting off her mum. Has her mum contacted you to facilitate contact?

It entirely depends on her age. How old is she?

For instance if my 8 year old daughter said she didn't want contact with her dad I'd be obviously asking the obvious question - why? But if no abuse etc then she would still be having contact as I feel she's too young at that age to make that decision.

If my 15 year old daughter said the same then it would be up to her and I would respect that.

She’s 12 now. To be fair her mum never really bothers with her in between visits & she see’s her about once a month , since she went to secondary school we agreed at her request that we would allow her to organise when she see’s her mum directly with her mum and since then contact has dwindled but my sd says that’s what she wants rather than having set days/times that she feel she has to see her.

That's a very tough one! Personally, I would step back from this and not engage from your end. Continue to support her and do all the things you normally would, but leave any discussions like this for your DP (her dad) to have, then there's no recourse for the "evil step-mum" comments that could potentially come up in the future.

It's tough at that age, old enough to notice lack of effort from mum, but perhaps not old enough to understand long term ramifications of stopping contact.

It'll be important for her to have a supporting step mum, which it sounds like you really are! This will work itself out, whether she decides to have contact or not, but I think it's something that your DP should encourage or not (depending what he wants to do!) and you should leave it to him.

It’s difficult because unfortunately being a step parent is a thankless job. Her mum has all sorts of issues which have caused no end of problems over the years & effectively I’ve become her ‘mother’ over the years, she even calls me mum when she refers to me in conversation I guess because it’s easier. Part of me feels that contact will cause more long term harm than good as she was really affected by her mums behaviour towards her. My husband just says she can do what she wants to regarding contact as long as she’s happy. added to the problem is she has siblings that still live with her mum so contact with them is scarce

I think some 12 year olds are very switched on emotionally and they then start to mask that through the teenage years as they either try to fit in with the crowd, separate from their parents or become more societally aware. So if she's an emotionally mature 12, then I think I would respect her wishes which may well be 'purer' than a 15 yo's, if you see what I mean.

The siblings thing is very difficult though, I totally see where you're coming from there.

It sounds to me that she is happy and secure with you and I would go along with her wishes, its unfortunate regarding her siblings but sharing DNA is no indicator that they would have a good relationship - let her go at her own pace.

I’d go with her wishes for now, but make it clear the door is open (from your POV) to start contact again when she wants

I was your step daughter. Please don't try and force contact. She's old enough to make that decision herself.

Nobody needs a relationship with a mother who doesn't enhance their life. It's draining.

I'm a step mum and my DSD is very switched on for her age (8) and knows what she wants to do around contact as that's the reality unfortunately of co parenting. My DSD last night has asked for us to try and change contact so she sees mum when mums not working as whenever she's there on set days per court order, mums working so she's either with mums partner or Nan. She never knows until after school what's going on and it's frustrating for her.

I would respect her wishes personally and not force contact but not make a big deal out of it either. She's been familiar for the last 5 years of mum not really seeing her and if this post was written by a mum about a dad not seeing their child more than once a month, advice would be respect the child as they've a say in their life and time so let dad know contact will not continue until child wants to see them. If she wants to see mum in the future, I would just make sure it's not a negative response from you or dad ie if you've plans and then DSD says she's off to see mum on that day, just go with it. Contact always dwindles once a child reaches high school as they are gaining independence, new friendships and everything else that comes with growing up

I understand that it’s her choice but I also think it’s important that she maintains a relationship with her, I’m stuck between a rock & a hard place.

You're not stuck anywhere. Your stepdaughter doesn't want contact with her very troubled mother, and for many good reasons, I'm sure. Quite often maintaining contact with a toxic person is not what's best. Respect your stepdaughter's decision, because it's not your place

*to decide for her.

Your Dh is happy for her to make her own decision so I would support that. Your SD is clearly happy with you and Dh so embrace that, support her and leave any communication between your Dh and his ex to them. Don't get involved. That's if ex kicks off and wants more contact. But by the sounds of it, she'll be as happy as SD with the lack of contact.