Boy/girl sleepovers (early teens)

[XelaM]

My daughter (nearly 12) is being invited by a boy (12) for a sleepover. It's not like a group birthday party type of thing - it's no one's birthday and she's the only one invited. The boy and my daughter are part of a large group of friends (mostly girls and a few boys) and as far as I know they're just good friends. They boy is a lovely guy and I am friendly with his mum (on a "hello - how're you" basis but don't even know her number). She also seems very nice.

Am I too old-fashioned, as a boy/girl sleepover seems odd to me. What is everyone's opinion on this? Would you be ok with this?

No. Like you said, if he was openly Gay I would give it more consideration ( but remember from my own school days that one or 2 boys would still try to experiment with a willing girl, just to be sure )

I think it's perfectly fine for you to explain that you would prefer there to be a few others for a sleepover.
He shouldn't take personal offence.

First emoji should have been ' confused'*

Yanbu but we don't do sleepovers at all so I wouldn't have a problem saying no.

I used to have sleepovers quite a lot (I was an only child so it was quite novel for me). I remember my friend once asking if her younger brother could come and my mum saying no. I was mortified to have to say no but looking back I see how strange it would have been to have him there, why would she even ask?!
It's not exactly the same situation but I do think it's a no no. I don't know anyone who would allow it I don't think.

@whosaidtha
Joystir59
@ISpyCobraKai
I would not allow a child to go on any sleep over in a household which includes a sexually mature male.
So no one who lives with their dad? Or has a brother? What a shame.
Children who live with a male parent or sibling aren't sleeping over are they? To be honest, knowing how many men sexually abuse children I'd take great care before co-parenting with a male or allowing male siblings to babysit.

Most definitely not. Mixed sleepovers or indeed same sexual sleepovers where both parties are gay/bisexual are not permitted in this house.

It's very very likely to be all well weaning and innocent. But personally I would not, and did not allow that.

My advice is based on personal experience in mixed group sleepover at 14 and 15. My DM did not know it was mixed. Nothing "bad" happened, but there some experimenting that I'd not be happy with looking back.

Hopefully they'll continue to be good friends. It's always great to have nice/good opposite sex friends during to early-mid teens.

Nope, my daughter won't be sharing a room at night with a boy over 10.

Theres a reason that's the age housing criteria changes to require boys and girls no longer share.

Also, watch out for group sleepovers too. In theory it should be better controlled with a group, but my experience was there is also some group pressure, and bravado.

We did silly things like showing breasts, kissing my (girl) friend, claiming we did things we actually never did, etc. Luckily no camera phones. I dread to think!!!

All that stuff will happen later anyway, and there is nothing we can do, but we have serious responsibilities when they are at that young age.

Nope. Not appropriate.

I'd be inclined to say yes if it were a group, but I think probably as a one-on-one I would say no. Or I'd be a bit unreasonable and say that he could come stay at my house, but not the other way around.

I think it's trickier when they're 14/15/16, when having mixed group sleepovers becomes quite normal and some level of experimentation is super common. But at 12 I think at twelve they're exactly the wrong age, a bit too old for it to be little children, a bit too young for some kissing to be normal.

I do find the no sleepovers thing a bit sad though. Sleepovers are some of the happiest, most fun childhood memories I have, both at my house and other people's. I find the uber safeguarding of never allowing any sleepovers to be a bit like telling women never to wear short skirts or go out to clubs.

I definitely allow sleepovers with female friends (both at our house and theirs). If I were to use @Joystir59 's rule about no mature males in the house - that would actually exclude 100% of my daughter's female friends, as they all have dads and/or brothers living with them. I find this rule over the top. Maybe because I grew up with very lovely men around me (dad/brother/uncles/grandpas) it would never cross my mind to enforce a strict "no sleepover if there are any men at all in the house" rule

But this one-on-one sleepover with a boy is definitely a bit weird for me.

Whatever rule or structure you put in place now, you'll probably find yourself adhering to it for the next few years. With hindsight I'd not have mixed sleepovers for teens.

No matter what you think, there is experimentation happening at that age. It is natural of course, but girls in particular can be put in a very awkward position (by both so called friends, and boys). I was pressured by my friends to kiss a boy I did not like, but ended up doing a bit more (because I liked it!). We were so influenced by our friends at that age, and it's not always good.

It could be just fine, and likely would be. But I'd not take the risk based on incident we had at our sleepover. I'll skip the TMI, but I heard more detail than I wanted about our DD from the host. I was never told it was mixed, my DD (and her friends) lied to me.

My best friend throughout primary school and early secondary was a guy. I stayed over at his house regularly from the age of about 8 until we were about 13 when he moved away.
All perfectly above board, we watched movies with his family and played games etc. Sleeping arrangements were that he moved in to a camp bed in his little brother's room and I was given his room.
Both sets of parents were completely okay with this.

11 year olds arent teens

[quote XelaM]@ISpyCobraKai I would be totally fine with it if I thought/knew he was gay, but obviously I wouldn't know this and there's nothing that would indicate that he is.

He is a very nice boy though and I don't want them to stop being friends, so wouldn't want him to take offence[/quote]
OP get your priorities straight- why are you worried about offending him? Your main concern should be looking after and protecting your daughter.

No way would I let her go nor would I invite a boy to sleepover with her.

And I would definitely say no to this.