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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

19 replies

Saffie980 · 11/11/2021 22:54

I recently had surgery to remove fibroids from my uterus. It was an open operation, not a laparotomy. Very scary and not my first gynecology operation-I previous had a large ovarian cyst and an ovary removed because of the damage done by the cyst at 21.

As a result, I have lots of tender feelings about my gynecology. My partner of 7 years was very supportive (no kids, don't live together), however despite me specially asking him not to tell anybody about my surgery, he has told two of his friends and Dad.

I am upset about this because I have a right to privacy when it comes to my health. I could understand if he just spoke generically about a surgery, but to give details of the actual surgery has upset me.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:

ReginaaPhalange · 11/11/2021 22:55

I would be upset too had I, like you, asked my partner to specifically not tell anyone.

I hope you feel better soon

Phoenix76 · 11/11/2021 23:41

Firstly, I hope you’re recovering well from the surgery, I can imagine it’s no fun. Secondly, I completely understand why you would want no one else to know what you’ve needed to be done, it’s your business and no one else needs to know. I think, if your partner is otherwise a good partner, he may have had his own anxieties and felt like he needed support in order to ensure he was able to support you fully (hope that makes sense), not an excuse but potentially a reason, he wasn’t “gossiping” just gathering thoughts so he could support you better.

5foot5 · 12/11/2021 00:13

I am not what I think TBH.
You refer to him as your DP and if you have been together 7 years I don't think it entirely unreasonable if he has mentioned it to other people he is close to. After all, he must be concerned about you and may feel the need to confide.

Dropcloth · 12/11/2021 00:29

@5foot5

I am not what I think TBH. You refer to him as your DP and if you have been together 7 years I don't think it entirely unreasonable if he has mentioned it to other people he is close to. After all, he must be concerned about you and may feel the need to confide.

Of course he may need to confide,but it’s perfectly possible to talk about his worries about his partner having surgery without going into the detail about uterine fibroids!

Original poster

Saffie980 · 12/11/2021 01:19

Exactly this! Completely understand the need for him to get support from his family and friends, but they do not need to know about my uterine fibroids to give him this support.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2021 03:28

@5foot5

I am not what I think TBH. You refer to him as your DP and if you have been together 7 years I don't think it entirely unreasonable if he has mentioned it to other people he is close to. After all, he must be concerned about you and may feel the need to confide.

His wanting to "confide" does not trump the op's wish for privacy. She told him specifically not to talk to anyone about her private medical issues, how fucking dare he betray her confidence like this?

I'm sorry, op, but this would be a deal breaker for me. I've been married for 25 years, and my husband and I hold our private information sacred. If I tell him not to share something, he doesn't, ever, and I do the same for him. It's about respect and trust.

ClaryFairchild · 12/11/2021 04:31

Some people don't know how to confide without giving details, and if pushed for details would feel awkward refusing to give them. Is he generally like that? Avoiding confrontation if possible?

MinnieMountain · 12/11/2021 06:08

Some people are over-sharers and don’t understand the concept of privacy unfortunately (I’m looking at you MIL).

cowburp · 12/11/2021 06:24

If he wanted to talk to someone for support and needed to share all the details to do this he should have cleared it with you first. I'd be livid.

cowburp · 12/11/2021 06:24

@ClaryFairchild

Some people don't know how to confide without giving details, and if pushed for details would feel awkward refusing to give them. Is he generally like that? Avoiding confrontation if possible?

Well he's got a big confrontation now!

TheQuest · 12/11/2021 06:35

I’m a private person too and would be livid. If you told him not to tell anyone, why the hell did he think he could waffle on to 3 people?
Does he really need advice in supporting you? He can just ask you.

NataliaSerene · 12/11/2021 06:37

I see both sides here.

How did you find out?

Dropcloth · 12/11/2021 08:40

@ClaryFairchild

Some people don't know how to confide without giving details, and if pushed for details would feel awkward refusing to give them. Is he generally like that? Avoiding confrontation if possible?

This is my mother.

Unfortunately, knowing about her lifelong people-pleading tendencies didn’t make it any easier to discover that neighbours I had never even met were enquiring loudly on the street in intimate details about my gynaecological surgery — I mean, i was feeling pretty unwell anyway (anaemia from disastrously heavy periods) and had dragged myself over from another country to be there for a family occasion, and it really didn’t help to discover unknown neighbours and cousins I hadn’t seen in 20 years were all au fair with the exact size of my fibroids, previous surgeries to attempt to rectify, blood loss, flooding, and likely effects on my ability to have another child.

She meant no malice, she’s just unable to withhold anything she thinks people want from her, but it didn’t make it any easier.

Original poster

Saffie980 · 12/11/2021 09:01

@NataliaSerene

I see both sides here.

How did you find out?

He told me each time. And I told him I was upset about it each time, but he did it again!

Perhaps I should give you his side to be even handed. His Mum has cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy, so he told his Dad about my surgery as a way to bond (?). Not too sure why he told his two friends!

My partner suffered from crippling depression for almost two years and didn't mention a thing to his parents. But when it comes to my health, happy to spill details.

I am not close to these people, I did not want them to have details about my very personal gynecology procedure!

OP posts:

Original poster

Saffie980 · 12/11/2021 09:05

Wow! Your mother should not be doing this! Can she not talk about herself? People like this really rile me up.

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 13/11/2021 04:53

Then tell him - as he thinks it's fine to share details about your health, then clearly it's fine for you to tell people, including his family, about his. Bet he will suddenly "understand" why you're upset, funnily enough.

FindingMeno · 13/11/2021 05:02

You have every right to be very angry.
I would be.

Pottedpalm · 13/11/2021 07:49

Maybe he was worried and was hoping for reassurance that you would be ok.

MordredsOrrery · 13/11/2021 08:12

I'd be furious. DH has done this in the past and didn't get why I was upset because he tells everybody everything and thinks it's fine.

Earlier this year I received a diagnosis. I saw the consultant alone and told DH I didn't particularly want to tell him the outcome given that he doesn't seem to understand that, while he's welcome to tell everyone everything about himself, he has no right to do so about me. He promised not to talk about it, so I told him. So far he hasn't told anyone but regularly complains that he should be able to. It makes me so cross.

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