Was I in the wrong?

[StarryNightSparkles]

My dd 10 years old has had a 10 year old male friend since she was 5. On the whole they have been good friends with no issues except one. Over the year's I've noticed this boy has picked dd up and down as it's suits him and his mum. For instance he will play with dd if he has no one else to play with or he will play with other children then when they go home he will then call for dd. Over the years I've noticed that his mum has facilitated this behaviour.

A few days before Halloween this boy was telling dd how he was going out with other kids etc and didn't invite dd. Then the day before Halloween he said dd could come out with them and she accepted.

So Halloween night came and we were having a family party. This boy came to the door with another girl trick or treating with no mention of inviting dd out. He took his treats and left. Dd seen him at the door and rushed to get her outfit on and that's when me and dh had to gently break it to her that he hadn't come for her. Dd broke her heart crying and was really upset which of course as parents wasn't easy to see especially as dd is a tough cookie and is a deep person emotionally.

So then about 40 mins later the boy comes knocking for dd to come out trick or treating as the other girl is away home. I said to the boy why did you come for dd ? Was it just because you have no one else and please don't treat my daughter that way again.

Ten minutes later his mum is messaging me that the boy doesn't know what he is doing because he has autism and I shouldn't have mentioned anything to him. I said to her what about my dd who is upset? She sent me a random screen shot of autism and then deleted me from social media with the message just because my son doesn't fit into your social norms

Was I unreasonable to say to the boy about the way he was treating my dd?

I would have raised it with his mother if I was going to raise it with anyone.

I dont think you were wrong. Autism or not that was really cruel of him and it made me sad for your DD I have no idea what its like to be a parent of a child with autism but a genuine apology from her rather than a blase attitude, screenshots, a SM tantrum and excusing/ignoring his behaviour completely would have been better imo.

I hate that autism is used as an excuse for horrible behaviour.
Your poor dd, can you encourage other friendships?

Does he usually socialise one on one?

Doesn’t matter whether he has autism or not, it’s his parents job to teach him right and wrong, not palm him off. I feel sorry for him and your dd.

You may need to teach your dd to not always be available.

Maybe not the time or place if dd was looking forward to going out trick and treating.

Children can be fickle with who they play with. Was dad aware that he was inconsistent in when he played with her?

If you’ve known them five years, were you aware he had autism?

Oooooh this is hard
I guess you could have explained that your child is upset that you said you'd call for her but you didn't as you were here with someone else. And she was expecting to go out with you first off. That might have gone down better
But that's easier in hindsight and I can understand why you're not happy because of how your child is affected

I had a friend like this when I was your DDs age and younger.
We used to play together so well when it was just him and I, but at school or when other friends (boys mainly) were around I was dropped utterly.
I wasn't very popular at school and in hindsight he was probably a rather weak individual who didn't want to be tarred with the same brush.

It stung so badly though and the idea of it happening to my kids breaks my heart.

As pps have said, autism is not an excuse for unkindness. I don't have direct experience of autism myself, but I do understand that people with autism are often more kind rather than less.

Perhaps, that is, unless their parents use it as an excuse for crappy behaviour and don't correct it.

That is not autistic behaviour (both ds and I have asd) it's nasty behaviour and his mum is using ASD as an excuse for her sons behaviour and tbh is really offensive

It really annoys me when people use autism as an excuse! I have two children with asd and neither thinks its ok to pick up and drop friends as and when it suits them. Reminds me of a friend i had whos son was an absolute horror! Rude, obnoxious and just generally vile. It was because he had adhd apparently, nothing to do with her allowing him to behave like that!

Totally understand how your dd felt, and you feel. But it may be the way he works.

So he went trick or treating with one person he'd invited out, and naturally knocked on your door thinking that your dd wouldn't want to know on her own door. Then came back to fulfil his promise to your dd that he'd go trick or treating with her.
In his mind, he may have been thinking how he was going trick or treating with everyone he said he was going with, but doing them separately rather than as you would expect, all together, not thinking how it would look to your dd.

So in his mind he was being fair, so didn't explain earlier as he'd got it straight in his mind how it was happening, without realising how it looked to your dd.

I am sorry at 10 I would have coached your daughter to talk to him - or I would have talked to the mother. Child to child, adult to adult. His mum has not handled it well - I totally get you are emotional about this but you have overstepped a mark talking to a child about his friendship with your child.

If his mums facilitating this behaviour, the boy won’t know it’s wrong and unkind.

This could honestly be autism. Many children with ASD can only socialise one on one. They experience sensory overload if they play with more than one other child at a time. This is not uncommon.

So of course, the mother is going to facilitate her DS taking turns with his friends. That’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean he’s only playing with your DD “if he has no one else to play with”. It just means he can have friends, just one by one and not in groups.

I think the Halloween incident was of your own making. He came to the door with 1 friend and you jumped to the conclusion that he was standing up your DD and you broke her heart by telling her your wrong conclusion. The fact he came back later to go trick or treating with DD shows he was not standing her up, he kept his promise to do trick or treating with her, it’s he just has to go with his friends one by one due to his autism, and he came back when it was your DDs turn with him.

I think you owe your DD an apology for what you wrongly concluded and an apology to the boys mother for ignoring the fact he has autism.

I agree with @Sparklfairy this boy sounds cruel. I would chalk it up to experience @StarryNightSparkles and not worry about the boy's mother's reaction. I'd also suggest having a chat with DD and encourage her to move on from this friendship and make new friends. Explain to her that friends don't treat friends like this and its best she stays away from him rather than keep being used and upset when he doesn't want to bother with her. I understand he may have additional needs but from what you describe he sounds like a user and DD is his "safety net" friend when others aren't around and that's really not fair on her either and she shouldn't be expected to put up with being treated like this.

Thanks for all your opinions much to take in and think about. Sorry I can't tag but to answer feedback.

It does play on my mind that I should have raised it with the boys mum first but honestly the mum acts this way herself and allows her son to act this way so I genuinely thought I was teaching him a life lesson.

Yes I do feel that my child's emotional needs have been disallowed because of autism.

The boy always plays in groups never one to one.

Yes definitely at the age of 10 I have educated my dd on not being available or to hang around on others. A tough life lesson.

Yes dad was aware and we have never been informed about autism and it's never been mentioned. I said to the boys mum I wish you had told us so we would have had more or an understanding.

I think you need to coach dd on friend choices. He obviously doesnt view her as a close friend. He didnt invite her trick or treating initially and your dd then got back hand invite after the fact.

You cant change his behaviour but you can bolster dd in her reactions to him.

YANBU at all OP. Some people will never take responsibility for their own actions and throw out any excuse in the book.

I hope your little daughter is ok and has a good Halloween regardless

I think YWBU to try and teach someone else’s child a life lesson and as I said earlier, I feel it would have been more appropriate to speak to the boy’s mother or father, rather than the boy himself. I would only do the life lessons thing with my own DD or at a push my sister’s kids.

You can’t possibly be held responsible for not reacting appropriately to a condition you didn’t know exists though! I hope your daughter moves on from it okay and finds other pals whose behaviour confuses her less.