Would this annoy you - re: MIL

[Anon211149]

MIL is very annoying, she thinks she’s the expert in literally everything. Just one example - she would non stop give me advice when my eldest was born about how I’m doing breastfeeding all wrong and I need to do it this way not that way - but she never breastfed her kids! So had ZERO experience. Anyways that’s not the point if this thread that was just for context,

I’m feeling a little guilty but also annoyed. I had a rough day at work and had a long last minute meeting so she kindly picked up my DD from school. But as soon as I got in she did her face like she does when telling me how I’m doing yet another thing wrong and told me I’ve made a mistake switching my DD’s swimming class from weekend to weekday. She did on Saturdays but it was really difficult as it wasn’t working for us so switched to a weekday when I don’t work. She lectured me how it was better for DD on weekend and if I don’t want to get up early on Saturday and take her then DH will. I just snapped at her and said DH won’t wake up to take her and it’s better for us on weekdays. She then did her usual thing of going quiet a d saying she was just trying to help. I felt bad and spent rest of the time there trying to make her feel better. I feel a little bad too now but she’s always sticking her nose in everything making me feel like I’m incompetent and make the wrong choices. She has no idea about anything. I explained to her the changing rooms are separate so DH would have to take her in men’s changing room but she still thought it was a good idea getting him to take her.

It would annoy me. I would ask DH to have a word.

That would annoy me too.

Maybe try to say the bit you've said here about

she’s always making me feel like I’m incompetent and make the wrong choices

and preface it with 'I know you mean well, but..'

She's lucky it stopped there. It wouldn't have with me.
Don't worry, sometimes things just need to be said and hopefully it will curb her 'helpfulness' in the future.

It bloody would annoy me.

If you otherwise have a good relationship with her, tell her how you feel. She may not realise she's doing it.

If she then continues, DH needs to tell her to back off.

She sounds really annoying. I think you are trying too hard to justify yourself. By saying that your husband won't get up and about the changing room issue, you are giving her something to argue about. When in reality it's your decision and the reasoning is none of her business. You don't need to convince her that the decision is the right one. Just be confident and say you and your husband have agreed that this is best. Then don't enter into discussion.

@SnackSizeRaisin

She sounds really annoying. I think you are trying too hard to justify yourself. By saying that your husband won't get up and about the changing room issue, you are giving her something to argue about. When in reality it's your decision and the reasoning is none of her business. You don't need to convince her that the decision is the right one. Just be confident and say you and your husband have agreed that this is best. Then don't enter into discussion.

Completely agree with this. I have learnt whilst dealing with my own challenging mil that sometimes less is more - don't feel the need to explain or justify things, just say no. You are the parent and you make the decisions. She sounds like she is manipulating you by going quiet etc. I wouldn't make it up to her next time, Let her sulk. You need to nip it in the bud when she does this, not feed into it. She knows what she is doing. Stay strong now and you will reap the rewards later

she’s always sticking her nose in everything

She has no idea about anything.

A bit harsh on the woman who is kind enough to drop whatever she was doing in order to pick up and care for your child when necessary

Perhaps back away and don’t call upon her to pick up your child at short notice. Perhaps your H could pick up your child when you work late. If you don’t like your Mil then stop using her for unpaid childcare.

Perhaps stop telling her things. I wouldn’t think mil would need to know day she goes swimming etc. Just tell grandma is she gets 25m badge etc.
Agree a phrase eg that works for us in a tone that says not up for debate.

She's probably thinking that you can't commit to the swimming lessons if you have last minute things come up at work that mean you need emergency childcare.

To be fair, her points completely valid this time.

I think you probably misunderstood what she was trying to say. She is your emergency childcare - so what happens when things fall through with work. Would she be expected to take the child to swimming? She’s clearly, gently, trying to tell you she can’t do it or that her son should be stepping up on the weekends or even that her son is a wally. And she really has a point here. A man who can’t wake up to take their kids swimming on the weekend isn’t the kind of man who will bother to take them on cold dark winter evenings.

Sometimes people say things to make conversation. Trivial details of arrangements can be part of this. My mother would certainly have been up for discussion around why choices had been made- the fact that she thinks weekends would work better doesn't mean you have to snap, or have an argument, it just needs you to say why you prefer weekdays, mentioning the issues around DH taking DD swimming. It's just conversation. You can have a different opinion to her, and you can say what you think. Obviously at the end of the day it's your decision and you don't have to justify yourself, but why wouldn't you explain what you are thinking? Especially to someone who is likely to be involved in DD's childcare.

Stop sharing details with her. This was my problem with my mother. I’d share details, she’d tell me how wrong I was, it would generate an argument. Tell her fuck all, stick to generic chitchat.

Just tell her to stop giving you unwanted advice as you're an adult, a mum yourself, you know far better what the issues & practicalities are and it's getting too much.

"We appreciate seeing you/ you picking up & know how much you love DCs but.., (then say above)"

Just tell her that your parenting choices are between you and Dh and nothing to do with anyone else. Find someone else to help out with emergency childcare in future so she'll have no hold over you.

@Ozanj

I think you probably misunderstood what she was trying to say. She is your emergency childcare - so what happens when things fall through with work. Would she be expected to take the child to swimming? She’s clearly, gently, trying to tell you she can’t do it or that her son should be stepping up on the weekends or even that her son is a wally. And she really has a point here. A man who can’t wake up to take their kids swimming on the weekend isn’t the kind of man who will bother to take them on cold dark winter evenings.

I thought this as well tbh, she's trying to tell you she doesn't want to take her swimming! It could be that you've just picked a bad example here OP as she seems to have collected your child from school at very short notice on this occasion.

Stop telling her things. With less information, she has less of an opinion about your choices. But down your visits, let DH visit her with the children, claim to be having a rest, meeting up with friends, calling your mum etc. When you do meet, ask her opinion on the royals, vaccinations, price rises etc. She'll be going on a for a while and you can tune out for a bit

The breast feeding advice was a perfect opportunity to say - 'With respect you never breast fed'. That is a fact. If she gets huffy saying 'I am only trying to help' say 'its not helping me, it's stressing me out'. Another fact. You pussy footing around her after she has upset you puts her a position of power that she is among full use of.

Good luck OP

What was her reasoning for Saturday being better? Why on earth would it matter? YANBU