Talk to me if you have an abusive xh you are supposedly co parenting with.

[coodawoodashooda]

I think i have found my last hurdle. How other people give, 'Mr Reasonable' the benefit of the doubt and think im the horror. Does anyone have any good strategies for coping with this?

I have one. Been copatenting since 2014 when I left him after he broke (another) bone. Do you want problem solving or just a vent?

*co parenting

That's kind Safe. Thanks. I think problem solving. But not the unrealistic kind that thinks i should go back to court for 'justice'. He appears so reasonable. Reality is that he is an absolute beast. How do i manage this?

@Mutttly

NC for this. In my experience people are all to willing to believe the poor innocent fellow and feel sorry for him. You need to ignore that. All I can say is keep going, keep doing what you are doing. Grey rock when you can. Keep a separate mobile and email to communicate with him. Keep communication strictly to child related matters. After you have typed a reply to him take some time before you send it.

My DC have voted with their feet now. They have seen reality. The man is still harassing me, still harassing the children. We are in touch with the police now but I very much regret not calling the police on each and every occasion in the past.

I have noticed that posters are good at urging people to leave abusive men. Nobody ever points out that they can just continue to abuse you and your children for decades to come.

Thank you. Yes he plays the innocent 'good guy' very, very well. I have a strict grey rock policy but your last paragraph sums up my problem the most. It is impossible really.

@Mutttly

NC for this. In my experience people are all to willing to believe the poor innocent fellow and feel sorry for him. You need to ignore that. All I can say is keep going, keep doing what you are doing. Grey rock when you can. Keep a separate mobile and email to communicate with him. Keep communication strictly to child related matters. After you have typed a reply to him take some time before you send it.

My DC have voted with their feet now. They have seen reality. The man is still harassing me, still harassing the children. We are in touch with the police now but I very much regret not calling the police on each and every occasion in the past.

I have noticed that posters are good at urging people to leave abusive men. Nobody ever points out that they can just continue to abuse you and your children for decades to come.

Agree with all this. Years down the line it doesn't get easier.

So when do the kids work it out?

Also agree with @Mutttly that leaving is just the beginning really. 5 years on and the only time he's not being a complete git is when he has a new gf to focus on. They come and go.

He remains sketchy at parenting, and now only our youngest still sees him. Even then it's flakey visitation and mainly done at his convenience.

Yet woe betide I forget to mention if she's had a doctors appointment or the like. He once berated me for a whole month because she'd needed a filling. He only really takes an interest if there's a way to make me look bad in the process.

Don't think he's ever gotten over me leaving him for being abusive. It spoiled his social image in a big way.

It doesn't necessarily get better but there will probably be peaks and troughs of awfulness.
You have to find bits of happiness where you can, like doing lovely things with the children, trying to enjoy yourself when they're with him etc.
grey rock helps with limiting the damage of interactions with him.

For me, it's been 11 years now and 2 out of 3 dc are adults.
It hasn't completely eased.
The adult dc have worked things out, but the youngest isn't really aware/keen to notice it.

This is not what I wanted to hear 😂

I’m 4 months in. It’s pretty hideous. I grey rock and communication is v limited because he has a non mol. Of course I’m horrifically unreasonable and he is father of the year! I have no practical solutions,I just wanted to send solidarity and empathy. I know how truly shit it is.

It's just so invisible

@coodawoodashooda

So when do the kids work it out?

My dd was 15 when she told me she'd finally figured it out. I know she was fighting with it for a good few years beforehand though.

Grey rock. Took me ages to realise that by responding to the bullshit I was feeding the monster. Apart from the time I called the police to report he was making malicious claims that could have cost me my job, my home, my kids and my liberty. Having them call into his work was somewhat of a turning point.

For the kids: You have to wait until the kids see it. And be prepared to accept that it may not happen until much later.

In the meantime, keep on with grey rock, rise above any provocation and focus on your relationship with the kids.

My DS has worked it out, at 14, and has just refused to go back to his dad’s for a while. DD15 doesn’t see it - she is dad’s golden child and sees him as the victim - but I hope that in time, she will.

For other people: Just keeping your dignity and head held high will prove its worth in thr future. When he splits with next girlfriend, when the mask slips….It will happen, but it’s a long game.

Kids don't always work it out sadly

My coping mechanisms include ignoring everything he says unless it's relevant for example

The funeral is on x date your not invited why would I fucking allow you to show up he hated you and what you did to our family splitting us up like that (I had never asked to attend) I want ds1 to come and you better not fucking stop me or I'm taking him from school cunt 🤔

My reply

Sadly it's school policy not to grant time off for step grandparents funerals ds1 does not want to go and will refuse to leave with you

His reply

I'm coming to fucking get him he WILL come with me enjoy paying the fine bitch

My reply

Both parents with PR get the fine, the school will have you arrested should you attempt to force the matter with ds1

He never showed up he spoke to ds saying your mum said your not happy about going I said of course you don't need to go if you don't want to she was going to keep you off school and ring you in sick but I've persuaded her not too (arnt I a good daddy)

Ds comes home relays this I cry laughing and say why would I do that? He said IKR? I was extremely confused but I took your advice smile nod and change the subject

How old do the kids have to be when you don't have to speak to the xh at all? The idea that they might not work it out is horrifying.

Mine is 12 and it still all goes through me he won't give his dad his number its like he knows his dad will message him and try to change arrangements with him and he will feel obliged to say yes to them so it goes through me I can say no 🤣

Grey rock and block them on everything.

Kids do work it out as leopards don't change their spots. Unfortunately the family court system is broken and fathers' rights trump childrens emotional and physical welfare. You just have to bide your time.

Mine have chosen to have nothing to do with him now. His chickens have come home to roost.