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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weekends away working

8 replies

isthisstandard · 11/11/2021 16:39

Just want opinions - I’m a sahm with 3 kids under 5. One child is in school full-time. My DH has a full on job and works hard. He also has a side job that he does just to keep his hand in and because he enjoys it. He has to do a certain amount of hours a year. He has done the required hours for this year (probably a lot more). Usually this entails a weekend a month and one weeknight. However, courses can come up and other stuff which means he’s away for a period of 2 weeks at least once a year (I’m not sure how many of these there have been this year). These weekends every month mean he is gone the entire weekend including overnight.

What I’m wondering is what can I expect from him regarding the weekends. I’ve asked if he can stop these weekends away for a bit and just do the bare minimum hours to keep his hand in cos I struggle to attend activities with the kids on the weekends. But I feel bad for asking.

I’m currently ebf a baby under 6 months and he recently went on a course that was 2 weeks away which meant 3 weekends. I manage on the weekends but it’s the activities and social things that are hard. I have family but the closest is an hours drive away and works weekends.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to cut out these weekends for a bit on his side job to make my life easier or is that selfish?! I know it’s only one weekend a month, one weeknight and a course here and there but it just feels like there’s always something looming.

For context he spent over 6 months living away from me mon-fri during lockdown for work. That was a choice to further his career.

When he is home, it’s a huge support and he does dedicate the remainder of his spare time to us. I wouldn’t ask for him to give anything up if the kids were a bit older, it’s just that they’re so young.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 11/11/2021 16:41

Is it something like Reserves?

It doesn't sound like its suitable for family life at the moment.

Quiettiger · 11/11/2021 16:46

It's a tricky one, if as I suspect it's the "side career" I think it is. The expected commitment from the employer is one weekend a month, one night a week and 2 weeks away in a block as the absolute minimum commitment to progress. The extra courses also further the career. It can be sufficiently full on if you want to, that many people do the side career full time.

You'll need to have a proper discussion with your DH. You are totally & completely reasonable to want him at home more on weekends, because having 3 under 5's is incredibly hard, but the weekends away are training and development and his commitment to his employer will be questioned if he suddenly slacks off and it will prevent him progressing.

isthisstandard · 11/11/2021 16:48

@Quiettiger this is what I was thinking. It's so hard to find a balance.

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Quiettiger · 11/11/2021 16:57

How about ask him to stop all non essential courses for 12 months and commit to only his training night and 2 weekends out of 3, along with the 2 weeks? That might be do-able, as he can easily fudge around the missed weekends without it being too obvious? At the very lest it would open the discussion with your DH that you don't want him to stop, but need more support?

Chelyanne · 11/11/2021 17:06

As a forces wife I've endure the job coming 1st for years and have 6 kids now. I've felt like you and asked dh to leave his career because it bothered me so much, took me many years to realise that in the long run the short term pain would be worth it. It does not last forever and you will get better at coping with the kids solo.

isthisstandard · 11/11/2021 17:22

@Chelyanne I can cope solo and I'm actually quite content alone but I can't be 2 places at once. It's more that I can't do all the activities/social commitments solo without it being very stressful.

I do need to think long-term about his career but then I also think they're only this little for a short time.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 11/11/2021 17:27

I dont mean to offend you but I think he is being very selfish.
When do you get time for your little hobby?
3 kids under 5.... seriously... I would be putting my foot down and he would be getting grounded...

isthisstandard · 11/11/2021 17:33

@Bonbon21 No offence taken. It's more of a side career that he also enjoys. So it does top up his income although we don't need the money.

OP posts:
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