Going to sleep train toddler ; any suggestions on what to do instead

[Motherofking]

I went cold turkey with breastfeeding my 16 month old . We co sleep in his room. There’s a single bed and his cot bed which are joint so sometimes he will crawl into his cot bed or sleep next to me . For the past 3 days he has been screaming his head off at night but eventually falling asleep. On day 2 he cried till 1am and managed to fall asleep and slept for the whole night . So o thought things would improve however last night on day 3 he cried till 3am managed to fall asleep only till 5:30 am and cried till now at 8am and has just falling back asleep again. Everytime I try to comfort or settle him he cries even worst and continues to hit me . So I just lie there and pretend I’m asleep hoping he will sleep too and he spends the whole time crying whilst pulling my hair. I don’t want to deal with this for another night . I’m typing this with 2 hours of sleep and I don’t know how I’m going to function for the rest of the day.
I need suggestions
I was considering leaving him in hot cot bed and putting the rail up so he can’t get out and just going into my room to sleep . I was against sleep training but at this rate I don’t know what to do, I feel like my presence in the room allows him to cry harder and longer , he doesn’t want to be comforted , also whether I’m in the room with him or not he will cry regardless , only difference is Atleats in my room I can get some sleep . Maybe someone can offer suggestions on what to do. But until then I’ve decided to go ahead leave him in there tonight

I’m reading over and realising there’s a few mistakes . I’ve only slept for 2 hours. So be understanding

Do you have a partner who can help, and where does DS nap during the day? sleep deprivation is rubbish and I know how hard it is. There will definitely be things you can try to make it the least painful transition that you can.

What lead up to stopping breastfeeding did you do? Could you do habit stacking - so use another thing alongside the breastfeeding to get him to sleep and then drop the breastfeeding until the new thing is what helps him sleep? (Such as stroking his hand or hair, patting his bum).

Do you have a partner who can take over some of the night?

I don’t agree with leaving him alone to cry. Imagine how confusing and scary it must be for him that suddenly his comfort is gone and his mummy isn’t coming to help like she always has done before.

@KatieKat88 my partner has tries to help. But instead of putting him to sleep he puts on coco melon for him in the middle of the night which then makes the whole process longer . So I’ve just decided to handle it myself . And during the day he’s been napping in his pram.

@Lazydaisydaydream I just didn’t want to do it anymore . I was tired. And yes I cried all of that, even rocking and walking up and down , singing but because he’s so angry everytime I do anything he cries even louder. I notice when I just lie there and not do anything he will cry but not so badly

Is he screaming because he wants to breastfeed. Did this start when you went cold turkey?
If so then seeing you and having you close could be making it worse so yes, I’d move out the room. Ideally send his dad in to comfort or if he’s not around then you go in and comfort / calm him every few minutes but don’t pick him up.
My ds responded better to being alone as anybody being in the room stimulated him too much for him to sleep.

I’m so sorry, that sounds so difficult, I have a 15mo and I know how determined they can be when they want something.

I don’t have a lot of advice but one thing people said to us before we sleep trained which I found to be so true is that you really shouldn’t do it on a whim, which is so hard as the time you’re most likely to consider it is when you’re completely desperate!! But as much as is possible you should have a plan laid out in advance, exactly what you’re going to do and when (and I agree if you have a partner they should take the lion’s share, especially since you’re breaking the link with bf), timings, and then you really really really have to stick to it. It’s why sleep consultants make their money, they don’t suggest anything you couldn’t think of yourself but they give you a proper structure and then keep you on that structure when you’re tempted to waver. If you just think ‘whatever, I’m going to see what happens’ you won’t see it through and then you’ll think it’s failed. Personally I could never do full CIO, we had a bonkers interval plan which we came up with with lots of sushing and patting. The interval thing was probably nothing to do with helping DD and far more about giving us that structure! But we agreed it a couple of nights in advance, determined exactly what we were going to do and who was doing what, and then completely stuck to it. 4 horrid days/nights and by the end of the week we were all getting much better sleep, so it can be done. Good luck - sleep deprivation is hell.

@museumum yes he’s screaming because he wants to breastfeed to sleep. So this started when I went cold turkey. But I thought I could comfort him in other ways but that doesn’t seem to work on him. I think him on being able to breastfeed and my presence being so close makes it worst.

Yes I can understand why everyone is frustrated! Agree with the habit stacking suggestion, ds’s probably also exhausted and doesn’t know how to put himself to sleep, so getting increasingly tired and frustrated. Can you teach him how to put himself
To sleep another way before withdrawing boob? A predictable routine really helps. You’re his comfort/safety place and you’ve renegotiated that relationship and he feels worse off and uncertain of where he stands with you. He’s not going to be receptive until he’s got some sleep and some reassurance.

You sound exhausted and it’s the worst thing. You and your partner need to get on the same page about how you’re going to soothe DS and offer comfort and consistency. And how you will divide the nights to make sure you both get input sleep and respite. That’s essential, no coco melon what is he thinking?! Is stopping the boob related to feeling exhausted? If so could you try limiting it to 15,10,5 minutes and then switching to a bottle or cuddles? Easier than stopping cold turkey.

The mother kind podcast had an episode on sleep last week that you might find helpful. Good luck, it can be really hard sometimes x

Yes habit stacking is a great idea but then you would have to go back to breastfeeding for a bit which it doesn’t sound like you want to.
Have you explained to him that there is no milk? I would have your partner sleep with him for a few weeks as he I likely to settle quicker for him knowing he can’t give him milk.
Honestly going from co sleeping and breastfeeding on demand to cry it out is unlikely to end well. You may very well create a sleep aversion and make the whole thing even harder.

Given where you are at now. Having not bf for 3/4 nights I would not go back. But you need a good solid routine and plan of action. And for you and dh to both follow it to show ds consistency and predictability.

At that age my ds had a sippy cup of warm milk (he refused bottles as I bf to 13mo) story and cuddles with daddy then cot with white noise. Dh comforted if he cried at first (but didn’t stay in the room) then later on it and through the night was me who would go in, lie him down, check covers and temperature, reassure, sush pat and leave again.

Your partner needs to actually step up and parent his child. So no chucking the telly on for a easy life, he needs to to comfort his child properly. If he doesn’t step up I’d stop doing anything for him (cooking, washing etc)
You being in the same room is going to cause all sorts of problems. You need to be in your room out of the way.

@littlejalapeno I’ve already not breastfed for almost 4 days so I don’t think it will be a good idea to go back.

@3WildOnes he knows there’s no milk . He has stopped asking for it during the day and is fine . But I think night time is hard because that’s how he used to fall asleep.

@museumum that sounds like a good plan

@Devon1987 he’s shit . I actually don’t like him. I want to sleep with me son in the room and dread the idea of having to go back to my old room to be next to him. He just woke up make himself breakfast and a coffee and looked fine , came into the room and The first thing he says is ‘ you gave in into him didn’t you’ . It’s all he keeps asking as if he’s waiting for me to crack so he can say I told you so. I told him I didn’t give in to him but had a hard night only slept for 2 hours and before I can even finish off what I was saying he goes ‘ Yh me too I only slept for an hour’ . And I ask well how since He had on earplugs and the sound machine on in his room. He’s a liar and narcissist . Im so angry. He then has the nerve to storm out of the room saying I’m rude and have attitude. I’m so angry.

I agree, you need to come up with an agreed plan of action with your partner and it will be easier if he can provide comfort at night. Lots of cuddles with you during the day!

He’s now casually on the phone having breakfast doing the usual shit he does . I’m here feeling like hell. And has the nerve to say he had one hour is sleep. I hate him. But I’m just venting right now . I don’t want this thread to focus on this useless human . I just want help with my son and getting him to sleep alone because his dad is a piece of shit

Sounds like you have a bigger problem than the toddler not sleeping. Hope you can have some time to think about your partner and whether you want to stay with him or not. It’s hard not being supported.