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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Repeatedly asking him to help with DC sick days, would you leave?

26 replies

jazzupyourchuff · 11/11/2021 05:19

Another week, another child ill with a bug. Two weeks ago I was home for a week whilst my DC had the dreaded super cold. Tonight DC has puked twice. Woke 'd' p up to say could he call work and we would do half a day each. He said he can't.
We both work outside the home. He says mine is more flexible but that is because I've made proactive choices for it to be that way. At the moment we are so short staffed and I can't WFH as there's not enough people in the office. Boss has also said we can't WFH to look after a sick DC. I have a big meeting this morning which would be a PITA for me to miss and have to reschedule.

He is not willing to call in sick. They're short staffed he says. His colleague is off. Boss is off. He said he can only take a day off with notice, which is ridiculous when we're talking about sickness.
It's making me really resentful. My career is important, and my salary in a few years will hopefully improve our prospects for our retirement and help pay for DC's Uni whilst there's nowhere to go in his role. I've been in my job less than two years whilst he's been in his ten plus so has a good reputation and no history of being regularly absent.

My anger stems from the fact that I have to make it work. Not just missing a day and having to catch up but the guilt from letting colleagues down. I'm one of the few mums in the team and already feel like I spend half my life asking to leave early (again another thing he can't do due to having to be on site until a set time). Trouble is, if I leave because of this issue, it'll actually make these things more difficult. If he won't take time off now, it would be even easier for him to back out if he lived in a different house!

OP posts:
BurnedToast · 11/11/2021 05:27

If you're thinking of leaving then I assume there are deeper problems than this.

DH was like this when the DCs were young. I think I'd just make it clear he has to be the one to take the day off and you are going to work. Don't back down.

icklekid · 11/11/2021 05:27

Is there anyone else who could help this morning? I know it’s a huge ask with a sick child. Dh now works from home much more and therefore has recently stepped up but previously when I really needed to be at work I would say to dh I will do x time or day I need you to do y. If he said he couldn’t do any I would wait and ask him what we should do then. Refused to make it my problem alone to solve. He then sometimes rang his mum (local) or emergency I rang a friend for very short period of time. The problem is generally mums feel more guilt about not being with their sick child than dads do in my experience… so we bend over backwards to juggle and men often just see black and white can’t help due to work…

jazzupyourchuff · 11/11/2021 05:36

@BurnedToast you say don't back down but he will just walk out the door at 6am same as every day!

OP posts:
Netaporter · 11/11/2021 05:45

@jazzupyourchuff didn’t want to read and run. I think you need to have a big conversation with him about this and explain you are thinking of separating over the issue. Why can’t he do what mums have done over the ages and call himself in sick? What would happen if he was actually sick? Or needed a PCR test? Or had Covid? I agree with you here that the assumption as the mother you’ll have to make it work is a big issue. That issue aside, you are entitled to take parental leave (unpaid) so maybe explain that to him. You not going in = no money? Would he be ok with that? Can you also have a chat with your employer? Realistically no one wants to lose a good employee over matters like this. I hope it works out for you.

stayathomer · 11/11/2021 05:50

If you're thinking of leaving then I assume there are deeper problems than this.
Yes, sorry op, if you ask the question it's in your head and you need to have a proper talk with your dh anyway.

I can see both sides of this- I ended up leaving my job in a pharmaceutical company 10 years ago because I took all days off, dh wasn't allowed time off during a huge proportion of the year and it all fell to me. We argued like crazy over it and also my manager, the world's most understanding family man, by the end would answer the phone with a sigh and a 'how long do you think' because I was literally every few days/ weeks with my ds's who were prone to everything under the sun. Fast forward to now and I work in a short staffed shop and most days the place physically wouldn't have enough staff to be open if I wasn't in. I hate seeing it from the other side too, dh is stressed the second the kids even shuffle, his manager is starting to make comments and both are constantly praying he can make it in/get work done etc. You need to find a third party who can help out, or both your managers need to be talked to and you need to have a huge heart to heart with your dh. Flowers

Cattitudes · 11/11/2021 05:54

If he leaves at 6, what are you waiting for, run out the door now!

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 11/11/2021 05:57

I second this. Go! Now!

Shoxfordian · 11/11/2021 06:00

He sounds sexist. Does he generally think everything to do with the kids is your job and not his? Ask him if he thinks his work is more important than yours even though you’re the one with more prospects in future.

HelloDulling · 11/11/2021 07:00

Talk to him this evening. There is no ‘can’t’ here, and as you say if he were vomiting he would have to call in sick. This is ‘won’t’. He thinks the children are your job.

jazzupyourchuff · 11/11/2021 07:02

He did it!! He called in and said he couldn't come in. I actually feel this thread was very helpful in pushing him, I just kept saying 'so who is looking after the kids, Mrjazz' until he relented. Gunna put a bit of Beyoncé on to celebrate.

OP posts:
Plutonium7000 · 11/11/2021 07:03

Get on the phone to his work and call in sick on his behalf. Then go to work. Twat.

StormyTeacups · 11/11/2021 07:04

Wait until he is in the shower and leg it

Plutonium7000 · 11/11/2021 07:04

Oh, just seen update! Well done. Hope it's not a one off and your DC get well soon. It's hard!

StormyTeacups · 11/11/2021 07:05

Ah, oops. Good job

Netaporter · 11/11/2021 07:05

@jazzupyourchuff yay!

You do need to have a conversation about how unhappy this has made you though.. hope your children get well soon Flowers

Porcupineintherough · 11/11/2021 07:08

Oh good for you OP Dh was a bit like this once, but when I insisted he gave in and (surprise, surprise) his work were fine about it (maybe not thrilled but perfectly accepting).

cowburp · 11/11/2021 07:12

You need a conversation about how your job is equally important and you aren't the default parent.

Longdistance · 11/11/2021 07:14

I’d have said ‘if you walk out that door to work, don’t even think of coming back’.
Glad he phoned his work. There’s nothing worse than someone not realising they’re in a partnership.

cowburp · 11/11/2021 07:15

I find as the mum I get asked about what DH is doing (with the assumption he's left it to me I'm guessing). They then get surprised when I say I'm doing this one as DH did the last two. I've started keeping a list so my work place can see how much each of us are doing. Also his work place treat him like a hero when he has to take a day off to look after his own kids so it's actually easier for him to do it!

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 11/11/2021 07:15

Glad he’s called in sick! The same thing has happened to us and my OH wants to send our son into nursery even though he was sick

GoodnightGrandma · 11/11/2021 07:16

You need to decide what will happen in future. I think taking it in turns seems fair.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/11/2021 07:18

No this isn't on at all. I work in the NHS and we are all super busy. All of our male colleagues take time off equally to look after their sick children. What makes his job so important that he can't do this?
The men at work would be shunned by the rest of us if they didn't pull their weight.

cowburp · 11/11/2021 07:18

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Glad he’s called in sick! The same thing has happened to us and my OH wants to send our son into nursery even though he was sick
I get that.. its like why would you send them in too poorly to go. One of us will inevitably get the call to pick them up so I make clear he's doing it.
RacketeerRalph · 11/11/2021 07:21

This would drive me nuts! DH and I generally take day 1 of sickness in turn then work out who can do the other days based on our schedules but roughly doing half each. I can't work from home, DH can but will get nothing done so is just available for emergency support of he's looking after a sick kid.

How would your DH feel if you lose your job due to absence?

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 11/11/2021 07:47

Well done op.. my exdh used to do this. I was the higher earner, so it's not always about the money, but his job was always soooo much more important than mine. It was always me that had to take time off with the dc, either because they were sick, or parents evening, even all the school plays etc. strangely enough he's better now we're divorced, he will actually make the effort to attend somethings. I think it's more about proving me wrong than actually wanting to be there, but the dc enjoy it and that's all that matters