To still live together if separated

[Wackaday]

DH and I met later in life and I certainly feel like we just accepted we were each other's only option and just got on with it even though there were lot of cracks in the relationship. I was in the "geriatric" age bracket to have a kid but we got lucky and have a lovely 2yo DC.

He and I haven't been getting on, you never know what the evening will bring; pleasantries can just turn into an eruption of toxic slanging matches and he often storms off and leaves the house, sometimes for days. I do everything for our DC so it's not like I feel the hole when he is gone in regards to childcare responsibility.

DH doesn't believe in couple's counselling and I've done enough therapy and counselling on my own to get through this that I just don't have energy to try and make someone who doesn't want to attend these sessions come along. I think our personalities just conflict too much and we are a lost cause.

We also committed to buying a bigger place which will be ready next Spring time hopefully. It's a good location in a good school catchment area so need to stay here for DC's future.

Part of me thinks we should just separate as husband and wife but still live together so our DC has easier access to both parents, plus it means there's support around the home and with the bills as this place would be too big for just me and DC. The house can be divided into zones so we can have designated spaces. I have no intention or interest to find another partner, and I'm fine if he finds someone who makes him happy (though there would have to be house rules on him bringing GFs over). I feel like our relationship can eventually get to a good friendship stage for the sake of our DC and this untraditional living situation is an option worth considering.

Does anyone live this way or is this just a Gwyneth and Chris Martin type of BS that could never work in real life? Can it work? Do you tell people you're separated or just let them assume you're still together? Any tips?

AIBU to think we can separate and still live together amicably raising our kid?

I'm sure some people do make it work, but doesn't sound like he will be agreeable to it? Also doesn't sound like he's very nice to live with.

Would you be able to detach yourself from him? While your slaving away looking after the kids and he's in his designated zone not caring? I think (assuming) half the problem is him not pulling an equal weight or being supportive. Would you be able to make that work?

The only real life time I've know a couple separate and stay living together was the parents of a teenage friend. The mum wanted him out and a divorce (tbf justifiably so) and he just wouldn't go. They ended up living down stairs and he was upstairs. My friend hated it and them.

I've been detached for some time now that i don't feel that emotional about him in the lens of my lost lover, soulmate... or whatever that term should be!? I do have love and respect for him (despite the things i say in the moments we're bickering) and he does for me too but we have a very different perspective of what this means to the other.
I look after DC food, bath and sleep routine as a standard practice each day so its my normal. If he helps with say feeding him, I consider it as bonus. I've had to make this my mindset otherwise I would be screwing all the time and impacting my mental health.

It’s a terrible idea

I went through living with an exh for 2.5 years after deciding to separate. Was terrible for both me and the kids.

Do you think it will end the toxic slanging matches?

I think you need to think about what you are modelling for your child. Your relationship is his 'normal'. Not so bad at 2 but is it something you want him looking/aiming for when the time comes?
An 'easy life' for you isn't necessarily going to be the best thing for your child.

You do hear about people who are older and really just cohabit rather than have a marriage and ut seems to work for them. I think it can only work if you actually get on as friends. The problem might be if you both take the toxic relationship you have as a couple forward into any friendship you manage to cobble together.

I have a relative who gets in really well with her ex. But he asked to move in with her for 2 weeks because of problems in his house buying chain. Within 5 hours she remembered why they'd got divorced. They were both very glad when the 2 weeks were up. They're back to being the best of friends now. So even if you managed To get a good friendship going, it isn't certain that you'll be able to keep that up if you carry living together.

@madisonbridges Yes we'd have to make a concerted effort and set boundaries ahead of moving. I think with the new place there will be more space to just not get under each other's feet which is what's happening now as we're in a small space. Even with the space, as a couple I don't think we can get along.

@CJsGoldfish I guess when I say it's easier to have him in the house to support, it's more related to DC. He hardly sees him as it is as can't make it back for dinner, then leaves first thing, he often works weekends too.

I think a part of me also knows DH can't afford to go it alone and he's also a slob so if he did manage to get a place it wouldn't be the nicest for DC to stay.