Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am but...

30 replies

WhoKnowsIdontknow · 10/11/2021 22:25

I am being unreasonable, I don't know why, insecure maybe?
Dh (together 11 years married 5) has been doing the school run the last few weeks while on annual leave and I've been staying home with the baby. He's struck up a friendship with dd's friends mum. Texting (I have no clue what about) talks about her A LOT, today he wore jeans instead of his usual joggers, I can't remember the last time he wore jeans and he's just generally been taking more care in his appearance. I also fee like he's been being a bit mean to me.
I don't know why I'm so paranoid, he's never give me reason to be paranoid, he speaks about women he's friends with at work, doesn't bother me. I don't know what's wrong with me! Tell me I'm being stupid.

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 10/11/2021 22:38

Well, he talks about her a lot, so that sounds like he has a case of the mentionitis. He's also taking better care of himself, making an effort when going to school where he will see her.. He has a crush, clearly. Now some women would be fine with it, maybe even find it funny. I wouldn't.

I would sit down with him and ask how he would like it if the shoe was on the other foot. If you wore a nice outfit and did your make-up before the school run and texting a school dad about things that are presumably not about the children. My guess is he wouldn't be very pleased.

Themilkyway88 · 10/11/2021 22:41

You're not being stupid at all! She's giving him attention and it's boosting his ego. Can you perhaps go with him one day on the school run and just see how she is with him then? Honestly you are not being stupid, I'd feel exactly the same!

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 10/11/2021 22:43

I would feel the same. Do you trust him though?

Original poster
WhoKnowsIdontknow · 10/11/2021 22:45

Themilkyway88 yes good idea! I'll go Friday morning, we need to go shopping after and the friend is coming home with us after school so gives me an excuse (I'm quite shy and usually stay out of the way at drop off and pick up so have never spoke to the mum).

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoKnowsIdontknow · 10/11/2021 22:47

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno I thought I did, never felt this paranoid before, I don't know why I'm feeling it now. I'm so confused with myself!

OP posts:
LSLLM · 10/11/2021 23:02

Ah fuck, unfortunately I’ve been in these shoes and it did not end well.

Why does he have her number in the first place?

LSLLM · 10/11/2021 23:04

Sorry I’ve just read - you’ve never actually spoken to the mum either, but he’s forever texting this woman and make an effort on the school run? I totally understand why you have issues!!

Thatsplentyjack · 10/11/2021 23:05

@WhoKnowsIdontknow

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno I thought I did, never felt this paranoid before, I don't know why I'm feeling it now. I'm so confused with myself!
Probably because he's giving you the feeling that something is off. All the little things you describe. You're not being unreasonable.
Triffid1 · 10/11/2021 23:28

Well, you're feeling uncomfortable because it is inappropriate. While I am firmly in the camp of "it's perfectly fine for men and women to be friends" I'd say it's completely inappropriate to strike up very intense, time consuming friendships with people of the opposite sex out of the blue. A colleague you know for a long time and develop a friendship is one thing, this is something else entirely.

This isn't okay.

Original poster
WhoKnowsIdontknow · 10/11/2021 23:33

Oh god I wish I'd waited until the morning, my mind is racing now.
I thought I was going to get a kick up the arse and told to stop being silly. I appreciate the honest replies though. We need to talk.
I'm so self conscious at the moment with the baby weight I though it was all me!

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 10/11/2021 23:38

More red flags than a socialist parade! You need to nip this in the bud NOW @WhoKnowsIdontknow and tell him this friendship with this woman stops NOW.

This has so many signs of an ensuing affair. This 'friendship' is massively inappropriate. Married men should NOT be that close and tight with other women. It's HORRIBLY disrespectful to his wife. I don't know why men do this, you don't see women doing it. Men have their head turned so easily. It's fucking pathetic.

LittleDandelionClock · 10/11/2021 23:39

And as another poster said, why does he have her number?

HP87 · 10/11/2021 23:39

What's his reason for getting her number in the first place? There's lots here that show he's got a crush on her, I'm just wondering what febble excuse he/she made for swapping numbers in the first place.

My dh does the school run most mornings and he doesn't have any of the other mums numbers, or talk about them at all.

Namechanger20183110 · 10/11/2021 23:39

What do the messages say, has he shown you?
Yanbu, I'd feel the same

Original poster
WhoKnowsIdontknow · 10/11/2021 23:54

My daughter went last weekend to play. Unsure whether numbers were swapped before or because of this. Don't know what the messages say, never had a reason to check his phone and not asked because I thought it was me being stupid.
I have asked him why he's not been very nice recently 'dunno, suppose I'm tired' was the reply.
Since they became friendly I've done pick ups, I mean I'm not the type to huddle with the other mums/strike up conversations with people I don't really know and she could be the same, but she keeps her distance from me. Maybe thats just me overthinking, she could be just as socially awkward as me. But then why the friendship with my husband? Ahhh I'm rambling now.

OP posts:
Almostmenopausal · 11/11/2021 01:55

To start with, I would do whatever is needed to make sure that it is ME doing the school run for the next week or so. See how he reacts when you tell him - but tell him that it's a permanent arrangement.

If it continued, I'd eventually have to read his texts but wouldn't immediately jump to doing so as once you've done it, even if you don't find anything incriminating, it's a slippery slope to becoming a habit which will destroy your trust.

Almostmenopausal · 11/11/2021 01:58

If I did find something then I'd go apoplectic and would be making sure she knew to stay the hell away! Then I'd end it. Easy for me to say though and I didn't immediately end it when it happened to me. I should've done though!!

immersivereader · 11/11/2021 02:11

Odd how she talks to him but not you

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2021 02:14

His head has been turned. He's playing with fire, I'm afraid.

Debsdonein · 11/11/2021 02:27

Yanbu. Ask him what they text about.

Weatherwax13 · 11/11/2021 02:38

Well she's not socially awkward around him, is she? So I think you can rule that out. Trouble is, that even if you take over the school run you can't keep him on a leash. And he has her phone no. Which she's never offered to you, despite the children being friends.
I don't know him obviously, so only you can predict how he'd react to "I'm not fucking stupid. Pack it in right now"
It's apparently a common phenomenon where blokes behave like gits when their partner is pregnant or with a new baby.
Don't let him treat you like second best because he thinks your defences are down. You should be his no1 priority. Really hope he comes to his senses. And bloody quickly.

MyOtherProfile · 11/11/2021 05:23

Do the run with him tomorrow.

Mistyplanet · 11/11/2021 05:59

It doesnt sound good but don't jump to conclusions straight away. I agree with doing the school run with him- you'll be able to see how they act together. Or you could always ask what the text messages are about? Hope all works out for you x

Shoxfordian · 11/11/2021 06:02

Go with him if you really feel the need to mark your territory

If you don’t trust him then why are you even married?

Original poster
WhoKnowsIdontknow · 11/11/2021 06:07

Shoxfordian this is the first time I've ever felt like this. We got married just over 5 years ago, I can't see into the future.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread