I think I'm ruining my life

[sabrina1234]

I cannot control my anger any more and I feel like it is starting to ruin my life. I feel as though it is because of what I have been through in my life.
A bit of a back story- growing up I had been bullied by my parents and extended family regarding my weight which made me a very insecure person growing up.
I then got into an abusive relationship, he used to hit me and say the mean things my parents would say to me as well as other horrible things. This included things like telling me to get surgery on my body because it's unattractive and that my vagina is ugly ( to name a few).
Overtime he changed and matured and became the person I wanted him to be in the beginning- but I don't see me spending my life with him anymore. This has been on my shoulders for the past 2 years and everytime I try to break things off I can't but I know I am going to do it. It's just been hard for me to do.
I found out my dad was cheating on my mum. He is also manipulative and controlling and emotionally abusive with her. I saw saved Google searches on his phone on "how to emotionally manipulate a woman".
With all this combined, I tried therapy, yet I feel as though my therapist didn't understand me. I've been through 2 on the NHS. I was told that I'm not strong and need to be strong to deal with things. I felt as though they didn't want to help me deal with the deep issues I had and it was just very on the surface conversation, I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about certain things.

So right now I feel trapped. I keep getting angry at little things and I feel so so horrible when I get angry at the ones I love. Just before I told my mum to SHUTUP because she was going on and on about something which I made a mistake on (accidentally using her credit card to purchase something as I normally buy things for her on my Amazon account because she's unsure how to do it, I juts forgot to change it back) and I feel really shitty about this and ashamed of myself that I raised my voice at her because I have never done this in my life. I just feel like I can't relax with all these issues. Don't get me wrong I know people have it worse and I am greatful for everything I have. I am a nurse by profession and my career means everything to me. I feel like a total hypocrite with my anger issues and I am desperate for help or any advice. I know that this isn't me, and I feel so ashamed, if anyone has any advice or tips I would greatly appreciate them. Thank you

Separate fully and finally from your abusive partner and I would expect you’ll feel less pressured and angry. He may have changed, but his behaviour is unforgivable and he will likely still be undermining you in some ways, but you’re past seeing it.

Bumping this for you, OP.

You haven’t shown any examples of anger issues here. Do you feel angry inside?

You sound like you have been through quite alot so its not surprising you have some unresolved resentment.
What birth control do you use. I spent my 20s being like a ticking time bomb and was so pissed off and frustrated with everything and then realised it was the depo and implant causing it. Drs wont admit it but i read loads about how many people it effected like that and i was one of them. Just a thought anyway

You're allowed to have boundaries OP.

It's not unreasonable to tell someone to shut up who's going on about a mistake and won't leave it alone!

It's not unreasonable to go low contact or no contact with people who treat you like shit, no matter if they're related to you or not.

No one gets a free pass to treat you disrespectfully

You have a lot of trauma. What you think of as anger may be the symptom of a panic attack. Therapy is expensive but think of it as an investment in yourself. Find someone who specialised in what you need. And be prepared to try more than one to get a good fit. Also you are allowed to feel anger at your family they sound like a shower of cunts. Good luck

@Brighteyedtriangle

You sound like you have been through quite alot so its not surprising you have some unresolved resentment. What birth control do you use. I spent my 20s being like a ticking time bomb and was so pissed off and frustrated with everything and then realised it was the depo and implant causing it. Drs wont admit it but i read loads about how many people it effected like that and i was one of them. Just a thought anyway

Another suggestion to look at birth control. I have underlying anxiety and depression issues but when I was on depo I was like a totally different person. So much burning rage for no real reason, then tears and feeling utterly bereft. Disappeared almost overnight when a new GP suggested it might not be suitable for me and recommended I come off hormonal contraceptives altogether. It was seriously life changing for me, no exaggeration. Wishing you all the best ❤️

Have you been to the dr? It could be birth control, peri menopause . Find a decent therapist. Ditch your other half , there are 7 billion people on the planet / you really don’t need to put up with that shit. Also it’s ok to be angry. It’s a valid emotion. If someone has overstepped the mark you can absolutely tell them to shut up. Maybe you are finally seeing your worth? Maybe there is nothing wrong with you and your anger is totally justified?