..to beg for some help

[Bunnyfuller]

My youngest daughter is 15. She has always had a temper, but lately it is completely unmanageable. She’s very unhappy. She’s unmotivated at school, petrified about her GCSEs but refuses to do any revision, has no interest in anything, no interest or idea what she wants to do after school, or a job. She says everything is pointless, why hope for anything when the planet is being destroyed, hates capitalism and corruption.

I try listening to her when she’s in tears or down, but she almost always gets angry with me, and I get frustrated too. She will not let me speak to the school, says key services are useless, and refuses to speak to the gp. I feel like a failure as a parent, and I’m frantic that she won’t come out of this, and won’t engage to at least try to get some help.

Please no ‘you’re the parent’ harsh comments. I know that, but it is what it is and I feel utterly stuck.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds really difficult. Could you speak to the school anyway, just for some advice and support as a parent? If you explain they should not approach her yet, they should listen to you.

I've had some similar situations with my dc in past and school have been understanding and just been available for when we need them. I hope it gets better soon

Thank you. I’m sat waiting for a call from GP, she is 50/50 whether she will speak to him. I’m just going to tell him everything.

Can you afford private therapy?
I think I would beg her to attend a few appointments just to give it a real try and then discuss again if she could continue.

I'd speak to the school tbh
Also, Kooth.com is an online mental health community. Might be something she'd consider. Worth a try. If it helps give you perspective, I was like this at 15. I really wish my parents had insisted I see a GP. ( no School MH support back then). Sometimes you're too "in it" to realise & accept you are spiralling & need help. Is there any adult she listens to or confides in apart from you who would speak to her re what's wrong, a relative etc?

Has she been assessed for depression? My dd is 17 and we have been through the mill trying to get help! We had to go private because camhs are utterly useless ! Currently paying for private cbt because the nhs is so overwhelmed with the covid teens !

Do you have any friends or relatives that she admires and respects and who might be willing to step into a sort of 'mentor' role for her?

My mother and I had a very difficult relationship when I was that age and, to be honest, I had no time for her, but fortunately, I had a great relationship with one of her female friends (I should add that I'm now in my early 40s and everything is fine between my mum and I now!).

I will look into private possibly.

No family of friends really. All family live hundreds of miles away, or overseas and we don’t have friends that she would speak to. She’s fine with us, but extremely introverted with anyone but her couple of close friends. She won’t speak to her best friend because she lost her mum to cancer last year, my daughter feels it is insensitive if she talks about her problems. Plus she just generally finds it very difficult to open up.

Sorry you're going through this. You will get through it.
Get her all the help you can, GP, school, CBT / therapy etc. Be honest with the GP about all the issues. Don't be afraid to accept medication if GP recommends. Do you have any medical insurance through work (to help source therapy).
Get help for yourself by opening up to other friends with teenagers. You WILL find others who have had difficult times.
I have 3 DC (2 DD) so have been through some issues with them (teenage stuff not helped by lockdown). It's so so worrying but IME they are very resilient and respond well to positive intervention. And positive confirmation from you that at times we all struggle and need help.
Despite her temper she WILL know that you gave her back.
💐💐

• have her back.

I also suggest private therapy if your budget will stretch. It will give her an outlet to offload in a safe space outside of the family…and won’t be so rushed/time bound as that provided by the state (if you can even get it!)

I was like that at her age. I hated it but couldn't get out - it was down to my hormones. It sounds really obvious but see if she will take evening primrose oil pills. I am much older than her but they do help with pmt and me not killing family members - I take them all month round and they seem to dilute the surges. Obviously check that she is OK yo take them first!

This sounds really tough.

One way to help her might be to get directly involved in her revision. Procrastination can start because people feel overwhelmed and like they can't tackle everything, so why would they even start?

If you can look at her school books with her and maybe help her revise one little area, this might help her feel a bit less hopeless about her revision.

I know it won't solve everything, but it might help a little.

I felt like that when I suffered from depression age 13. A few sessions with a child psychologist worked wonders.

I am really sorry OP. I was a teen like this, and I turned out OK, if any comfort, but it was a fucking miserable journey (for me and my mum)

Can you get a therapist specialised in young people for her to talk to asap? It will be expensive, but a few sessions may help, and then you might be able to swap to a low-cost young people's counselling service, where she can let off steam to someone with more basic qualifications.

Sertraline or similar from the GP will likely help. Ideally only combined with talking therapy of some sort, but it could lift her enough to reduce the terror of studying.

Could you get her revision help from undergrads? So she doesn't feel so alone and terrified. And offer to help her with a timetable - but poss only in conjunction with the tutor help, so she really feels held.

Sorry all these suggestions cost money (other than the Sertraline)

And try and think of booking some things that she would regard as fund, so she has a treat coming every six weeks or so...

Why is she getting angry?
Sometimes there is nothing you can do that won't wind them up, but maybe you're giving advice -- and she can't take that well.

Is good that she wants to talk to you so prioritise keeping that channel open even if you have to say very little in return.