To think we still have a chance

[Yourethelightthatbrightensall]

Hi
I've name changed for this but long time poster. Not sure why I've name changed, but still.
I'm hoping to get some opinions and a bit if perspective on my relationship as I feel just so low.

Been with DP over 25 years. Have 4 dc. 2 older and 2 school age.
I always thought we had a happy relationship. Obviously together a long time. Similar outlook on life. Same back grounds. Generally shared interests.

Although he has a very different personality. I'm quite chatty, act a bit daft
I probably talk too much in all fairness. I like a laugh.
He is fairly quiet and can be quite serious. Don't get me wrong he can have a laugh and we do have fun ,but he can be a bit of a kill joy. If hes not in the mood he will show it.
Hes is a good man though.
Provides well for the family. Is trustworthy.
I do work myself, but he more than contributes.
Doesnt do a lot for himself really. Has one hobby but doesnt get a lot of time to do it.
However, neither do I to be fair.
I like doing stuff with him and DC like days out.and love holidays. He does too to be fair, though not as much as me.

Anyway, I will cut to the chase!!
Last year or so we have been rowing/bickering like crazy.
He seems to have become very bad tempered. He seems to have a very low tolerance level.
I feel as though I annoy him by chatting too much crap. And then I'm annoyed that hes annoyed.
It's almost like he finds me an irritation. I ask him and he denies it and says I'm.moaning about nothing. And hes fine.

I have wondered if hes depressed (I dont think so) and I've asked why hes always so miserable and argumentative. He says its me 'going on '. And hes perfectly happy.
He is not a talker. And this is an issue. As I am. If we argue then I like to discuss and solve. He just thinks let's move on. This makes me resentful. In the past he would always say sorry if he was in the wrong . Now he hardly ever does. Its almost like he just expects me to get over it.

For instance. Last night he sat playing a game on his phone. Barely spoke
We had dinner. He watched telly(hes a telly addict). Watched something with the DC and he went to bed at 930pm. Ive just been thinking we had no meaningful conversation. Nothing about our day!!! This isnt me. I like to talk. I would, in the past, chatted about work etc or our day . Now I kind of suppress my behaviour so I'm quiet. Its unnatural to me, but talking seems to annoy him. However, when I'm quiet, he says I'm not acting naturally!!

Now I am perimenopausal and I have been experiencing quite bad anxiety off and on.
I cant tell if the situation at home is making me anxious, or my anxiety is making things at home bad??

I do have a private appointment soon with a menopause specialist. So I'm hoping that will help.
Our sex life was always good, now it good when we do it, but in all honesty, we hardly speak properly. So now will quite often go weeks. I cannot be arsed to make an effort when I see his glum face. He most likely feels the same!!
Its like we fall out make up. Fall out again. Repeat.
I also think I've got the mumsnet ick.as some of his behaviour irritates me. Like how he eats
Then when we are getting along I'm happy as anything. We have just all been away and I felt normal. So am I just being shallow. Then he bites my head off when we get home and im mad at myself for even being nice to him!!!
Have we just reached the end of the road.

You probably have, and that's absolutely fine.

You sound like a very longstanding couple who have just come through two years of a pandemic together. Its normal time to be getting on each others nerves IMO.

1. How much time do you each get to be alone/to do things with friends separately?
2. How often/when was the last time you did something nice away from the house together, like a night or weekend away, or a night out?

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

@Valeriane
Thanks
Dont.do much outside of the family mainly through choice
I do go out with friends sometimes or my siblings. I often work a day at the weekend though so I like to do stuff with the dc. He goes out even less than me. Hes probably less busy than me but less likely to socialise

As a couple it has been years since we did anyone on our own
Initially as we never had babysitters. Now I dont really want to to be honest.

@Lavender24
Yes multiple times!!
Over the years I've told him I want issues and rows addressed
He likes to just forget it and 'move on'.
Except now it's gone from bad to worse. He doesnt even think his grumpiness or snapping is even worthy of apology.
After pretty much ignoring me all last night hes just texted to ask how my day is going!!!
Ive thought of being the bigger person and being nicer and making an effort. K tree this a couple of weeks ago. Apologised if I wasn't being nice etc
Went away in holiday and when we got back he snapped at me in front if DC and said I was talking crap!!

It sounds like you've raised children together and have been good partners for the family but lost your romantic connection somewhere along the way.

I would tell him that you want to take it in turns planning a date once a week and see whether some kind of spark comes back. It sounds like you dont have fun together and you're both frustrated with the other over it, but dont know how to fix it.

Yes very true
I used to say this years ago and he didnt see an issue. I told him we needed to do stuff together. We had childcare issues, but mo effort was made anyway.

He likes to just forget it and 'move on. Yeah my DH is a bit like this whereas I like to air things out and have my say before we move on. If you've told him how you feel multiple times and nothing has changed that is definitely not good. I wonder if it might give him a kick up the bum if you told him you're not willing to go on like this? You shouldn't have to feel like you can't chat or be yourself to your own husband.

I've told him not living like this. He said I just need to stop moaning/going on.

Then it sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum of some kind

Apart from work and family (and watching TV...), what do you guys actually do? What are your interests, hobbies, stuff that gives life meaning? I get the impression you and him are just cruising through life, with very little concrete purpose.

I picture him on the sofa, flicking through the remote, trying to find something 'worth watching'. While you chat away about inconsequential stuff. This is not living! We all need something to sustain us.

@Yourethelightthatbrightensall

I've told him not living like this. He said I just need to stop moaning/going on.

In that case I'd say yes unfortunately it sounds like your relationship has reached the end of the road

If he is totally unwilling to talk about this stuff, shutting you out, ultimately leaving you bereft, what long term future is there for the two of you?

I think you might need to ask yourself a different question to the title of your op. Why do you want there to be a future? (It doesn't sound like much fun)

Over the years I've told him I want issues and rows addressed. He likes to just forget it and 'move on'.

Do you revisit the row/issue frequently and replay it the next day, week month? How do you rows/issues normally end, with you reaching a stalemate, compromise or decision?

I've told him not living like this. He said I just need to stop moaning/going on.

Be honest, do you go on?

Does he think you've had the row, the air has been cleared time to leave it and move on?

Never address anything! If I'm upset about something and we have a row. He will just get bad tempered and go to bed or out or whatever. The next day or whenever I see him i will broach the subject and he will be like "oh not this again!"
If I say we need to talk he gets all frustrated and quickly it escalates again.
I absolutely do go ! I admit that. But probably wouldnt if we sorted thing M in the first place.
After holiday when we came back and fell out yet again, I said can we just talk. He immediately was getting cross as I was clearly disturbing him.
Kids were around so I had to drop it. I suggested we find time to go for a walk and talk outside the house. He looked like I'd said the most ridiculous thing
Dont get me wrong hes not a horrible man and we can have lovely times.
It's like as hes got older hes just g ou t bad tempered
He would be happy I think with a bit if chit chat nothing too taxing.
Dinner bed.
And maybe odd family meal/ day out.
It's like he cant cope with me talking about anything too challenging.
If I talk about work pissing me off he again, will seem frustrated at me
Its bizarre.

@FlowerArranger

Apart from work and family (and watching TV...), what do you guys actually do? What are your interests, hobbies, stuff that gives life meaning? I get the impression you and him are just cruising through life, with very little concrete purpose.

I picture him on the sofa, flicking through the remote, trying to find something 'worth watching'. While you chat away about inconsequential stuff. This is not living! We all need something to sustain us.

Well I dont have a hobby I work but not quite full time. Stressful job Take dc to activities Walk with dogs to park. I like days out on days off. National trust sort if thing. Love dressing up and going out too. Like reading and some TV too. He has one sporting hobby Does a lot with DC He gets up early for work Comes home Shower Dinner Messing on phone /TV He will always be watching something. If I come in and sit by him and chat He will happily talk for say ten min and then he will kind if cut things short as he has the TV on pause!!! He will happily go anywhere if I suggest. Like shall we go the zoo on Saturday for example. Yeah fine. It's hard to describe. If he asks me how work was he real li g does NOT want a low down. Just a quick -yes fine

Sounds like hell
Do you another 20+ years of living like this?

@storminateacupagain

Sounds like hell Do you another 20+ years of living like this?

Its not hell on a daily basis. I just feel lately I'm dampening my personality

I think. Its almost like his head cant cope with me going on, saying too much, giving too much info. He wants a quiet life.
I admit I may be annoying and have faults too but i can compromise if he tells me what's wrong.

Maybe since the verbal communication has broken down you could try as one last shot writing it all down in a letter to him, basically saying you guys have lost your mojo and you want it back, you want him to be willing to work to get it back. You say you like dressing up and going out. Tell him you want more of that, you want more fun and novelty in your relationship and to feel like you are connecting and in love rather than just going through the motions. Then maybe say you hope he feels the same and is open to finding a way through this but if not you cant do this anymore.

This sounds like a lot of people's typical relationships. It sounds like he enjoys the silence and needs time to switch off before he then has to go to bed and get up to do it all over again. And, I hate to say this, but people's work issues are kind of boring...I bore myself moaning about stuff at work so I've got a policy to keep it zipped now...it's better for me too and it's mostly petty stuff that doesn't need verbalising.

Saying all this, it does sound like your DH's grumpiness level has increased. What is his workplace like? Is it a busy, noisy place? Is he on his feet all day?

I think it's absolutely fine to raise this. Ask him to make a bit more quality time for you in the week. Sit face-to-face and eat, without the TV on or decide on a programme that you will watch together. He's being a bit lazy and you clearly need more from him. My DH has been a bit quiet and grumpy lately and I know how it feels...it does increase you anxiety and makes you act differently so you need to speak to him about it. I think it's a tricky time of year isn't it with the dark mornings and evenings now too. Maybe a touch of SAD or is he the same in the summer?

@SunnySideDownBriefly

This sounds like a lot of people's typical relationships. It sounds like he enjoys the silence and needs time to switch off before he then has to go to bed and get up to do it all over again. And, I hate to say this, but people's work issues are kind of boring...I bore myself moaning about stuff at work so I've got a policy to keep it zipped now...it's better for me too and it's mostly petty stuff that doesn't need verbalising.

Saying all this, it does sound like your DH's grumpiness level has increased. What is his workplace like? Is it a busy, noisy place? Is he on his feet all day?

I think it's absolutely fine to raise this. Ask him to make a bit more quality time for you in the week. Sit face-to-face and eat, without the TV on or decide on a programme that you will watch together. He's being a bit lazy and you clearly need more from him. My DH has been a bit quiet and grumpy lately and I know how it feels...it does increase you anxiety and makes you act differently so you need to speak to him about it. I think it's a tricky time of year isn't it with the dark mornings and evenings now too. Maybe a touch of SAD or is he the same in the summer?

Yes I know work is boring to others. Sometimes its funny stories and he still looks bored! His job is ok really. Busy but not terrible We all sit down for dinner every night. We usually choose a family film night too. And when he doesn't have work we do choose a programme or film together .

@Yourethelightthatbrightensall

Never address anything! If I'm upset about something and we have a row. He will just get bad tempered and go to bed or out or whatever. The next day or whenever I see him i will broach the subject and he will be like "oh not this again!" If I say we need to talk he gets all frustrated and quickly it escalates again. I absolutely do go ! I admit that. But probably wouldnt if we sorted thing M in the first place. After holiday when we came back and fell out yet again, I said can we just talk. He immediately was getting cross as I was clearly disturbing him. Kids were around so I had to drop it. I suggested we find time to go for a walk and talk outside the house. He looked like I'd said the most ridiculous thing Dont get me wrong hes not a horrible man and we can have lovely times. It's like as hes got older hes just g ou t bad tempered He would be happy I think with a bit if chit chat nothing too taxing. Dinner bed. And maybe odd family meal/ day out. It's like he cant cope with me talking about anything too challenging. If I talk about work pissing me off he again, will seem frustrated at me Its bizarre.

Thanks for answering OP, that doesn't sound good at all.

If he isn't even prepared to see there might be an issue worth talking calmly about then I do think you've come to the end of the road with your relationship. You can't be expected to live the rest of your life censoring yourself and just making a bare minimum of idle chit chat and not going anywhere or doing anything interesting. Think about the long term, when the children leave home and there's just the two of you and when you retire and are at home all day, do you really want that kind of existence, because that's what it will be an existence not a life.

Sorry, but if he can't and won't see the issue, address it and work with you to find a compromise that suits both of you then nothing will change, or it will change for the worse.

Introvert vs Extrovert. I'm in a relationship like this and we're already showing incompatibility after less than one year. He's extroverted and a chatterbox. I am very much like your husband. I'm amazed you've lasted 25 years to be honest.

I'm not an extrovert by any means.
I hate people who are full on and OTT
I'm not like that. I'm chatty with people I know and love and laugh but I'm n ou t a massively confident person.
I d just like to come home from work sit down and have a rant, or chat about our day or what's on the news.
Not:hello
Hello
How was work?
Fine
Good.
Back to TV!!!