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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick DD and DH, what do you expect of DH?

25 replies

IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 09:56

So my DD (15 months) is sick, off nursery with it but not awful with it. Snotty, chesty cough, needy but still full of energy and happy. DH is now sick too. Someone at his work came in with a fever and sickness and now he’s unwell too, complaining of aching, bad belly and being tired. I worked this morning and DH watched DD for about 4 hours but soon as I got home he asked to go lie down. Totally fine! He went off for a couple of hours, emerged for food and made us some too. Then disappeared to the bedroom again. I was up at 5am to get to work for 6 and I cosleep with DD in her room so DH can get enough sleep for his full time job (I’m part time) and I haven’t had a full nights sleep since she was born so even though I’m alright I’m still 24/7 go to go and I’m now thinking he’s being a bit unreasonable leaving me to do the hard work all day when he’s not like 10/10 bad and does deserve to rest but by how much? I never get any time to just lie down, I know I’m not unwell but does constantly sleep deprived count too? AIBU to expect a little more help today or is he BU to expect to stay in the bedroom lying down all day? I don’t know if I should say anything or not but I’m exhausted

OP posts:
Original poster
IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 09:58

Just FYI we’re currently in another country living and working so that’s why the times are out of sync with the U.K. 😅

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 10/11/2021 09:58

Is this is a reverse?

YABU he is ill. When he's better if you still feel hard done by maybe chat with him about picking up some slack - full time work doesn't mean you get to opt out of parenting or housework etc

Side note - do some sleep training, stop the co sleeping and get your nights and good sleep back!

Londonnight · 10/11/2021 10:02

I agree with everything totallysuper said, you are being very unreasonable.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2021 10:02

There's two issues.

  1. He's ill. He rests. It's not like he's refused to have the baby, but you're not at work now so surely you'd normally have her anyway. Similarly if you're ill you get extra rest.
  1. You're chronically under-rested so you need to fix that once he's better. What days do you both work? Is there a day yo u can get a lie jn regularly or an afternoon nap? How much is baby up overnight? Why can't he do a night cover one of the days he's off work?
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/11/2021 10:02

Who's looking after DD from 5am if you're leaving for work then? I'm assuming he is?

GoldenOmber · 10/11/2021 10:03

I cosleep with DD in her room so DH can get enough sleep for his full time job (I’m part time) and I haven’t had a full nights sleep since she was born

Is his full-time job in air traffic control or bomb disposal? Tell him that once his tummy’s feeling better he can start stepping up the rest of the time.

AgentJohnson · 10/11/2021 10:06

The imbalance isn’t because he’s ill, it’s because you and he haven’t worked out a better balance when he’s not. Do you want to cosleep? I never did with DD because I’d never get any proper sleep.

Now isn’t the time to be resentful but when he’s better you do need to talk.

PA martyrdom isn’t a good look, if there are issues, talk about them.

Original poster
IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 10:07

Thanks guys I needed to hear this. I haven’t said anything and he’s still relaxing so don’t worry! I wasn’t sure if it was me just being over tired talking or if I was being a bit of a push over. Yes he had her from 5.30-10 this morning including an early morning nap for her as she’s unwell too.

We tried sleep training a while back and it was awful! So co sleeping became the norm as it gave us both better nights. She wakes on average 2 times but recently with teething and Illness it’s been a lot more. He does do housework and plays with her etc but I just don’t seem to get any time to myself to catch up on sleep or reset ever even if I ask for it it’s like I have to nag or just up and announce I’m going to get any

OP posts:
Original poster
IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 10:10

@AgentJohnson I’m not meaning to come across like a martyr, we do talk about it and have tried other things but not much works. I essentially need to demand time for myself or it doesn’t happen

OP posts:
HollieZ · 10/11/2021 10:11

Does he pull his weight in general? If so have a gentle YABU. Yes you’re working hard, but it’s also fair enough for DH to rest if poorly. Especially as he has watched DD today and made food. Rest is important for recovery?

I say this as someone with a young baby and a usually very responsible partner who had to spend the entire weekend in bed with fever and an upset stomach. Yes I’d like to spend a weekend in bed too - but my partner only ‘got to’ do it because he was feeling rotten. It wasn’t a treat?

HollieZ · 10/11/2021 10:12

Oh just seen update 🙂

Original poster
IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 10:14

@HollieZ fair point well made! He does his bit around the house and thank you for being gentle 😅 I feel like I’m going to get pulled apart here now from some people! I think my only thing here is that he watches the football every weekend and asked to do it in peace in another room so I make sure that’s done every weekend for him, but when I ask for an hour or to go do something I get a sigh or a hesitation and then a tone in his response like I shouldn’t be asking. Sometimes I don’t bother and that’s on me but it does leave me a bit resentful at times like now

OP posts:
HollieZ · 10/11/2021 10:22

Yeah ok that does sound annoying - free time should be split equally. Do you talk through weekend/free time plans in advance?

Yes you might get people posting yabu without reading your updates.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/11/2021 10:25

I think you need to schedule in some time for yourself, regularly. He had a couple of hours to himself for football, why don't you have a couple of hours on a saturday morning for exercise or whatever? Find a club that they could do together so they don't disturb you.

I hope he is doing his share of early mornings so you can have a lie in to get over some of the broken nights

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2021 10:31

[quote IslandGirl5]@HollieZ fair point well made! He does his bit around the house and thank you for being gentle 😅 I feel like I’m going to get pulled apart here now from some people! I think my only thing here is that he watches the football every weekend and asked to do it in peace in another room so I make sure that’s done every weekend for him, but when I ask for an hour or to go do something I get a sigh or a hesitation and then a tone in his response like I shouldn’t be asking. Sometimes I don’t bother and that’s on me but it does leave me a bit resentful at times like now[/quote]
I'd make it clearer the bargain going on.

Can you take the baby in the other room, the football is on. Don't disturb me for 2 hours.

Sure thing, oh and I'm popping in to town and leaving the baby with you tomorrow, I'll only be a couple of hours.

TotallySuper · 10/11/2021 10:32

@IslandGirl5

Thanks guys I needed to hear this. I haven’t said anything and he’s still relaxing so don’t worry! I wasn’t sure if it was me just being over tired talking or if I was being a bit of a push over. Yes he had her from 5.30-10 this morning including an early morning nap for her as she’s unwell too.

We tried sleep training a while back and it was awful! So co sleeping became the norm as it gave us both better nights. She wakes on average 2 times but recently with teething and Illness it’s been a lot more. He does do housework and plays with her etc but I just don’t seem to get any time to myself to catch up on sleep or reset ever even if I ask for it it’s like I have to nag or just up and announce I’m going to get any

Try it again or try a sleep training coach. You don't have to live like this!

Another side note - you let him in the kitchen to make food for himself and you both whilst he's ill and with D&V Envy don't do that again that is so gross spreading his germs about all over what you're eating. Absolutely not.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/11/2021 10:38

He should be doing the nights on the weekends so you can get some sleep and you should get equal leisure time. If you work part time he should also be doing some of those nights
Once he gets better time for a new routine! He also needs to take sick leave to take care of DD on days where you work.

Triffid1 · 10/11/2021 10:40

[quote IslandGirl5]@HollieZ fair point well made! He does his bit around the house and thank you for being gentle 😅 I feel like I’m going to get pulled apart here now from some people! I think my only thing here is that he watches the football every weekend and asked to do it in peace in another room so I make sure that’s done every weekend for him, but when I ask for an hour or to go do something I get a sigh or a hesitation and then a tone in his response like I shouldn’t be asking. Sometimes I don’t bother and that’s on me but it does leave me a bit resentful at times like now[/quote]
I think this, and your earlier post that you have to demand time are the key points. I feel your pain but all I can say is simply to keep doing it. If you ask for time and you get the sigh, respond with, "really? You watch football in peace every weekend but me asking for the equivalent is a problem? Really?" or similar. Every time. Until it stops.

Original poster
IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 10:42

Yeah your right guys thank you! Time for another conversation about it all I think. It just very quickly slips back into old habits, he does non of the nights and doesn’t take her in mornings or anything so I don’t get any sleep in the day unless I nap when she does on weekends (she’s usually at nursery for her nap in the week). This has made it clear to me these feelings that started this post are coming from some resentment because of this!

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 10/11/2021 10:44

He’s ill. When you are all well have a calm chat and come up with a plan for toddler. She’s not a newborn doesn’t need to be waking in night.
Co sleeping clearly isn’t working if you are exhausted.

Pascal80 · 10/11/2021 10:45

He works full time and he is ill. He needs to rest and get better without resentment on your part. He didn't choose to be ill. Also, he shouldn't be cooking and spreading germs in the kitchen- that's why when people are sick and infectious they stay out of the way of everyone else and have food taken to them.

SexyNeckbeard · 10/11/2021 10:53

If you get a sigh or a huff when you want him to take her for a few hours pull him up on it. "is that a problem?" not OK for him to react like that when he gets to watch football uninterrupted

Original poster
IslandGirl5 · 10/11/2021 11:08

Your all correct! Will have another chat when he’s better

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/11/2021 22:29

He is behaving really unfairly, you can't do all the nights and early mornings and I actually think jts really selfish of him to not offer mornings. In a healthy partnership if one person is struggling or is doing more the other will adjust to balance it out. You shouldn't have to ask, he should be saying 'thanks for doing the night, I'll take her in the morning and you catch up on some sleep' without being asked. Why does he think the current set up is fair?

Hankunamatata · 10/11/2021 23:15

When he is better tell him sunday morning is your time. Dd can sleep with him Saturday night and you get to lie in sunday

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