To not want relationship with nephews to be a competition

[JPWG2450]

Not really an AIBU more Looking for any advice on how to handle this difficult family situation.

So, DHs family have just been blessed with two new babies.

Baby A is 10 weeks old and belongs to BIL and his DP

Baby B is 2 weeks old and belongs to other BIL and SIL.

Both families have other children, some together, some from previous relationships, but we have always made a point of treating all of the DC the same.

When baby A was born DH dropped a present round, but I was unwell. The baby was still in hospital so it was only the parents DH saw.

We did the usual congratulations post on social media and made a point to ‘like’ the terms of posts.

When baby was home we both visited at MILs as it’s much closer, and have since visited him at home once.

We are both very busy people so 2 visits in 8 weeks isn’t unusual.

8 weeks later Baby B is born
I’m not unwell so we call up and see him with a present.

We do the normal congrats posts but SIL hasn’t posted much so we don’t put up the pics that are taken that day.

A few days later DH visits MIL and calls in with baby B. DH gets another pic and posts it online.

I’m not in the picture. I wasn’t there.
Que BILS DP sending nasty texts about how it’s funny that I can go and see baby B but not baby A.

We point out I wasn’t there, we aren’t believed so they ask SIL and MIL if I was there. No apology when they realise they were wrong.

Last week we are visiting MIL and again SIL calls in (they live very close)
Baby B will only stop crying when I hold him so SIL puts up a pic about how I must have ‘the touch’

Que 4am nasty messages again saying that I always forget their child and if he isn’t good enough then we can stay away from him.

Honestly, that’s fine. I’d happily have nothing to do with her.
But I don’t want to cause issues within the family.

We point out that we’ve seen both kids only twice. That they got the same present etc

And that in actual fact only a few days before we had offered to do something with ALL the kids

She’s having none of it, blocks me etc.

Later thar day she sobers up, apologises and I have to act like it’s fine because if I don’t, then it’s us who are accused of not trying.

The whole thing exhausts me. I want us to have a great relationship with both BILS and all of the children

BUT, I don’t want to feel like if we happen to see one child we have to make a point of seeing the other.

When we arrange something fun with the kids it should be just that, fun
Not stressful cause we are waiting on saying the wrong thing and receiving another barrage of messages.

Any advise on how to handle it? BILS DP is extremely jealous of SIL and Baby B
I don’t want to be dragged in to her games

It makes me feel like just not bothering with any of them because it’s more trouble than it’s worth, but it’s not fair that my relationship with SIL and her children should suffer because of someone else’s bitterness.

Argh YANBU.
So is it your DH has two brothers and one of their wives is jealous of the other one/her baby?
Anyway YANBU and sound like you have handled it well so far. Maybe suggest not putting pics on social media in the future.

She sobers up? Does she have form for drinking and being a bit of a dick. Odd to be getting pissed with such a young baby but each to their own.

This is very complex.. I wouldn’t have the patience! How do they have the energy to deep think all this with new babies / jobs / lives etc. I would just be civil and polite & never respond when it gets petty. Good luck! X

Could she have PND?

'Sobers up'?

Is this type of behaviour normal for her, or has it started since the pregnancy?

Thanks for the replies.

She has form for the same behaviour when she hasn’t been either pregnant or post natal. The jealous comments/nasty messages always start when someone else in the family is getting attention, so births, weddings, etc

I say sobers up as it’s always the early hours of the morning when she’s been out the night before (we know because she posts every second of her life on SM)

She’s also taken to putting nasty comments under posts from SIL in the early am and then deleting them later in the day but of course SIL is up with night feeds so she sees them.

It’s honestly exhausting. But it’s a catch 22. If we bother with anyone in the family she kicks off because she thinks we are bothering more with others (even if we’ve literally seen everyone the same amount of time)

If we don’t bother with them, then we are accused of not bothering.

Then we get it in the neck from MIL because they tell her we make no effort.

Just can’t win

I have a similar situation OP and I don’t post things with either family member on SM for this reason - too much hassle. I’ve also gone as LC as possible with the nasty SIL (but am still friendly and polite when we do have to meet)

Seems like a situation that could be much improved by you, your DH and your in laws deleting social media, or at least not posting anything about visiting any babies, not liking baby posts etc. Don’t fuel the crazy.

Drop the rope.

You're right - you can't win.

She's a perpetual victim and those supporting her being unreasonable and spiteful are enablers.

You will never, ever be able to change role now as she's triangulated you a and cast you in the role that reinforces her victim status. Using her kids as weapons in this weird one sided battle which is especially nasty.

Leave contact to your DH if he feels he has to maintain it. Otherwise, be civil in person if it's necessary to be at the same event, but low / no contact other than that.

There is literally no point. As I said, drop the rope.

It's horrible and ridiculous, I'm so sorry she's being this way. It's poisonous.

If you get on with your SiL I'd talk to her about it and ask her to stop posting anything on social media or telling your MiL about your visits. See her when you want but don't broadcast it. Direct the nasty one's correspondence towards your husband, it's his family, and get him to tell his MiL to stop interfering, 1. She has been wrong about you not making and effort etc and 2. It's none of her business.

I'd grey rock her as well, she doesn't sound very stable and honestly you're never going to win an argument with her when she is so illogical and over reacts to things that she has invented in her head. I'd just say 'sorry you feel like that, that's not how I see it's and don't be drawn on a tit for tat about justifying how much you see each nephew or spend on them etc

You’re never going to win with someone like that so don’t bother trying.

Have your time with family and if she wants to kick off then let her.

It can only be a competition you’re part of if you join in.

I'd make it so she can't see your FB posts and strongly suggest SIL does the same

I'd stop pandering to the jealous attention seeking diva. Carry on seeing the sane SIL as often as you want. Don't alter your behaviour just to pander to the Diva, there is no point as you will always be in the wrong. She will always invent some new drama with herself as the victim time after time and never admit when she is wrong, as she has proven, so just ignore her, grey rock her and if MIL says anything tell her to butt out. I'm very much of the opinion that tantruming, bullying and attention seeking behaviour should not be rewarded, cut off her oxygen.