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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws and Christmas

15 replies

monotonousmum · 09/11/2021 11:55

Last year we had my parents over for Christmas (young baby, support bubble). It was our first Christmas we've spent at home and was lovely. Obviously a little sad that we couldn't see everyone, but we were in a better position than most so I'm grateful.

This year we've invited my husbands family over for Christmas. They're all quite local and there will be 10 of us in total.

I kind of am being unreasonable, I know that. But my husband is already a bit upset as he feels his parents treat him (us and kids) differently to his sister (husband and kids). I don't doubt this is true, but my husband is not blameless in this - his sister and Mum are very close and my husband just doesn't make as much effort. And then less effort when he feels left out.

So I asked his Mum if they were staying Christmas eve, to wake up with the kids Christmas day (best bit of Christmas, right?). And she said no, they'd be staying at his sisters and then come over after her kids have opened their presents. SIL and family will be coming too. SIL and family could have also stayed here BTW, but I now haven't asked since they've clearly made plans already.

I'm not hugely upset at spending Christmas morning just the four of us, sounds quite nice. But I am upset that they're choosing to spend Christmas morning with the other grandchildren and not ours, and I know my husband will be upset at this too.

They are absolutely lovely people. The kids adore them. But it hasn't escaped my attention that our kids are treated a little differently.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 09/11/2021 12:09

well, you put your finger on it, didn't you? your DH doesn't make an effort, and this is what he gets in return. So maybe you should point that out to him and let him get on with it?

(frankly? I much prefer Christmas morning without visitors so I'd be happy with this)

Original poster
monotonousmum · 09/11/2021 12:24

@Brefugee he does make an effort, just not as much effort. I also do.

It's little things, like asking if they'd like to come over but they check with his sister first to make sure she had no plans including them.
If we ask them if they could have the kids the sister gets consulted first, and her kids are generally there too (I try not ask often, so we're not taking advantage - and MIL always says they've been a dream).

OP posts:
Watchingyou2sleezes · 09/11/2021 12:24

They're doing you a favour, less adults and children to cater for in the morning, more time to enjoy your own morning and prepare for the rest of the day

Brefugee · 09/11/2021 12:29

he does make an effort, just not as much effort. I also do.

it probably stings, but often it is the case once a son is married their mum backs off a bit. But if he is really upset by this, the only way to go is to talk to her, no matter how painful.

IsDaveThere · 09/11/2021 12:29

Re Christmas, perhaps his sister just asked first? Also you admit yourself that she is closer to her parents than your DH is.

And to be fair, if I was SiL, I wouldn't want to stop at yours Christmas Eve when I live locally anyway, I would rather wake up in my own house on Christmas morning.

frazzledasarock · 09/11/2021 12:34

Mum and sister are clearer closer than your DH is to his mum.

Nothing you can do, it's up to your DH to foster a closer relationship with his mum.

I'd personally be happy with the slight space in the relationship, you get your own family time without the constant need to include IL's which SIL has. This does mean that SIL's DC are currently closer to PIL but it's not necessarily a bad thing.

LittleGwyneth · 09/11/2021 13:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable. And even though your husband is very much an adult, there's always a power imbalance with a parent, so it really is more on your MIL to make him feel wanted and included than it is with him to make the effort.

All of that said, you'll have a lovely Christmas morning just the four of you. So it's not the end of the world. And really I think if it bothers him then your DH needs to talk to his mum about it.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 09/11/2021 13:16

I think it’s often the case that mums feel more comfortable with their daughters’ families than their sons.

Just give thanks that they love your children and enjoy your Christmas morning in your jim jams.

TerribleZebra · 09/11/2021 13:18

Having done both I would much rather not have guests for breakfast Xmas morning. We don't open presents until at least noon when everyone is dressed and dinner is prepped (apart from kids stockings which are fair game when they wake up) so when we have relatives arrive mid morning this works really well as we all open pressies together. Could you not try with a later present unwrapping?

phoenixrosehere · 09/11/2021 13:28

It really is up to your husband to talk to his mother about how he feels. I know my DH went through something similar with his own mum and thought moving closer would solve it. However, he realised that it would have been a big mistake considering when his parents do cone down and visit us they moan about how much babysitting they do and their daughter’s spouse. Theb there are issues because they’ve been doing it for so long that they feel they have as much say to make parenting decisions. Bad enough that my DH said we weren’t visiting until they sort their stuff out because he wasn’t going to play mediator on his days off for them. You both may feel one way now but you both could be dodging a bullet when it comes to further down the road.

Original poster
monotonousmum · 09/11/2021 13:31

You're all right. And I am actually looking forward to Christmas morning just the four of us. I'm just not looking forward to telling my husband that his parents will be at his sisters instead!

It's just one in a line of small things like this. And I think it's expected that she's closer to her daughter, but I feel bad for the kids. The cousins are all close, but they get more one to one time with them and take priority.
I deliberately try not to ask them to have the kids too often as I don't want to take the piss, but perhaps I should be asking more!! Grin
MIL already has youngest 2 days a week anyway, but has SILs kids every day so they are bound to be closer.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/11/2021 13:35

How old are your children and sil children?

Pumpkinsonparade · 09/11/2021 13:40

Isn't it a given that mil's spend more time with their dd's than ds's families?
Ime enjoy your dc instead of making so much effort that gets thrown back. Setting your dc up for similarly feeling sub like dh does...

Original poster
monotonousmum · 09/11/2021 13:40

@Hankunamatata
All primary/nursery age

OP posts:
Original poster
monotonousmum · 09/11/2021 13:52

@IsDaveThere

Re Christmas, perhaps his sister just asked first? Also you admit yourself that she is closer to her parents than your DH is.

And to be fair, if I was SiL, I wouldn't want to stop at yours Christmas Eve when I live locally anyway, I would rather wake up in my own house on Christmas morning.

I'm sure it is the case that she asked first. But I don't think that would have made a difference. Even if we ask something first she checks with the sister before we get an answer. She'd clearly rather spend the time there - and is more comfortable there. I guess I just thought that as we are hosting Christmas, and in all previous years whoever was hosting everyone also stayed the night before, that they would be there to see the kids open presents.
OP posts:
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