AIBU to pull my toddler out of nursery?

[ForkedIt]

My 2 year old (2yr 3m) is currently at nursery 2 days a week 9-3.

There’s no tears at drop off but she’s never eager to go in and at pick up she’s always very happy to see us. She waves goodbye to everyone after running up to us for a hug first and often doesn’t want to be put down.

She never really talks fondly of nursery and if we bring it up she says that she misses us and on nursery mornings she wants to ‘stay at home’ but equally gets in the car to go with minimal fuss.
At pick up they just say she’s had a good day but never really elaborate on what she’s done or who her ‘friends’ are. She doesn’t eat much when she’s there, she has a long nap which fucks up bedtime because at home she’s largely dropped a daytime nap now.

In terms of at home, I have noticed an improvement in her speech and language skills, plus her imaginative play but also references to people being ‘naughty’ or shouting ‘don’t touch me’, ‘leave me alone’, ‘go away’ and an increase in behaviours like snatching and hitting. I’m aware these are all normal things for a toddler but she get’s very upset if she thinks she’s been ‘naughty’ for example. We are careful with the language we use as she can be quite sensitive to it. I’m aware that point might be totally pfb and I want to clarify it’s NOT that I think the other kids are a bad influence on my perfect angel and that the nursery have multiple children to look after.

I’m a sahm and she has a 3 month old little brother. It’s costing us £400 a month to send her to nursery. Without the ‘need’ to send her in and as a family on a budget I’m just wondering if it’s worth it or if I should pocket the money and spend some of it on groups and days out.
She will be eligible for free hours in September 2022 in case that makes a difference?

I feel very meh about it all, especially when it’s eating into the budget every month.

YANBU maybe she is too young.

Your daughter doesn't need to be in nursery at her age. In your shoes, I would definitely keep her at home with you, and as you say, spend some of the savings on days out and groups that you attend with her.

Maybe just reduce it to twoornings a week - then she gets the social aspect but comes home in time to avoid the nap time.

Yes I would wait until September. Just meet up with mum friends and toddler groups for now.

All of the other things sound normal, I was joking with another payment that of we just listened to the DC we'd think they did very little at nursery. Ours has a daily journal so we can see all activities, food, they upload photos etc.

The only thing I'd be considering in your shoes is why pay £400 a month if it's not necessary and you're on a tight budget. Will she get to do as many activities etc with the baby at home too, especially over winter? If yes pull her out until the funding kicks in, or maybe ask her how she would feel if she didn't go to nursery anymore. I asked DS how he would feel about going to nursery another day after Christmas (currently does one, finding kicks in in January), he jumped clapped and said can I do alllll the days, which dented my ego a bit but it's clear he gets things there he doesn't get at home as an only

Thanks all.
I think there’s two issues here.

1)Whether she wants to be there and gets something out of it. Difficult to tell as toddlers aren’t exactly reliable narrators and the staff aren’t going to say ‘yeah, pull her out’.

And 2) whether it’s worth sending her. If she went because we both worked I’d be fine with it, but it’s increasingly feeling like a luxury that doesn’t feel all that luxurious to anyone. If she LOVED it, it’d be worth it because we would only have to tighten our belts until September, I would spend quality time with the baby and she would be having a blast.

Right now it feels like we’re spunking money for her to just be in a different location for the day.

Given the fact we’ve (relatively) recently welcomed a new baby into the house I’m also weighing up whether pulling her out of nursery would just be yet more change for her. She’s only been going 4.5 months.

I would switch to mornings only if she doesn't need to be there. I started my two at nursery at 2.5 years. They each did two mornings a week (9-12) and that's plenty at their age. They have fun, learn new skills, learn to play with other children etc., but don't have long enough to start missing you. Most kids are miserable in the afternoon anyway as they're tired and tetchy at this age so afternoons aren't as fun for them.
Bring her home for lunch and she'll probably still have a good nap too.
At 3, I added another morning. At 3.5 - 4 they started doing morning plus lunch and a couple of full days in the term before they were due to start school.

Could you change to morning only if naps are a problem or ask that they keep her with the older children that don't nap ?

I personally think nursery is good for toddlers and would worry about issues restarting again in a year or so if you've taken them out. Assuming you'll start to get free hours in less than a year too to help with finances.

Ultimately you don't need to send them, what were your reasons for her starting ?

@ForkedIt

My 2 year old (2yr 3m) is currently at nursery 2 days a week 9-3.

There’s no tears at drop off but she’s never eager to go in and at pick up she’s always very happy to see us. She waves goodbye to everyone after running up to us for a hug first and often doesn’t want to be put down.

She never really talks fondly of nursery and if we bring it up she says that she misses us and on nursery mornings she wants to ‘stay at home’ but equally gets in the car to go with minimal fuss.
At pick up they just say she’s had a good day but never really elaborate on what she’s done or who her ‘friends’ are. She doesn’t eat much when she’s there, she has a long nap which fucks up bedtime because at home she’s largely dropped a daytime nap now.

In terms of at home, I have noticed an improvement in her speech and language skills, plus her imaginative play but also references to people being ‘naughty’ or shouting ‘don’t touch me’, ‘leave me alone’, ‘go away’ and an increase in behaviours like snatching and hitting. I’m aware these are all normal things for a toddler but she get’s very upset if she thinks she’s been ‘naughty’ for example. We are careful with the language we use as she can be quite sensitive to it. I’m aware that point might be totally pfb and I want to clarify it’s NOT that I think the other kids are a bad influence on my perfect angel and that the nursery have multiple children to look after.

I’m a sahm and she has a 3 month old little brother. It’s costing us £400 a month to send her to nursery. Without the ‘need’ to send her in and as a family on a budget I’m just wondering if it’s worth it or if I should pocket the money and spend some of it on groups and days out.
She will be eligible for free hours in September 2022 in case that makes a difference?

I feel very meh about it all, especially when it’s eating into the budget every month.

I also have a 2 year old and a baby (on maternity leave).

Mine doesn't go to nursery and won't until 3.

I felt it made sense to have her home with me, and attend groups. Didn't make sense to have her in nursery for hours on end when I'm available to look after her.

Definitely not unreasonable in my view.

I’m an early years teacher op. Keep her home with you. At this age the most important thing you can do for her is talk to her about everything that you do. “Let’s change baby’s nappy” “Where are the wipes? Can you find them? There they are!”
She will be getting more from this kind of interaction than she will be from being with other little children. At this age parallel play is the best she will be getting.
Keep a rough routine to get her used to anticipating familiar events, and where appropriate give her age appropriate boundaries to follow to help get her used to following them. Eg “time to wag hands” before dinner, “kind hands!” etc.

Ooh and share books. If her attention span is not up to following a story, just talk about what you see using reduced language.

I wouldnt bother until she is nearer 3 or even 3.5.

At 2.3 they don't really have "friends". They mostly play independently. If anything more likely to make a "friend" in a much smaller one to one setting - a regular playdate, a childminder with only one other child.

Mum of three, no way would I spend £400 a month for non essential day care. That's nearly £5000 a year, think of all the lovey trips to zoo, sealife centres, theme parks and holidays that would pay for. At that age a child gets much more out of time with you and conversations/reading together. Enjoy them, they all too soon grow up😍

I think your instincts on this are answering your own question.

Pull her out or reduce her hours, depending if you’d like to ringfence any time with your youngest.

Well I don't think there's anything to worry about from your description of how she acts. But if you primarily want to pull her out to save the money then YANBU.

I don't think nursery is necessary at that age unless it suits the needs of the child/family. If she's happy at home and getting plenty of opportunities to socialise, then I would take her out and save the money for things she would enjoy better. You can start again when she's three and gets the three hours, she should be more ready for it by then.

I like @IHateCoronavirus' reply.
I'd keep her off till Sept 22 as well.

Totally depends on affordability and by the sounds of it, the budget is tight.
I work PT and could have DS at home with me, but o need a break and need to do household chores when he’s at nursery so I send him in. But finances aren’t an issue here

As long as you do socialising activities like playgroups etc then there's probably no real need for a nursery at age 2.

I've found that as children approach age 3 though they often start to want more group activities and the structure of nursery. This also coincides with becoming eligible for 15 hours of early years education.

I'd give notice to the nursery and then look for somewhere good you can get her name down for the 15 hours when she's old enough. A preschool would be my preference for early years education rather than a nursery, if you have the choice.

I'd keep her home with you OP, unless you want some time alone with the new baby, in which case I'd do mornings only.

9 - 3 are long hours for a two year old. If there's no real need for it from a work point of view, I definitely wouldn't send her in for so long.

Everyone here is validating what I’m feeling.
She doesn’t NEED to be there.
She doesn’t LOVE it.
£400 is a LOT of money!

Me and DH were discussing this morning but we were both children who hated being away from home / our parents so we didn’t want to project our feelings on to her.

When I say friends I mean that we have ‘friends’ that we see now (basically the children of my mum friends) who she talks about and is always very excited to see. In that sense she is very social but she only mentions one name from nursery.

We don’t really want to do only morning sessions as nursery are strict on timings for sessions and we’d have to get her there for 8am which would be a bit of a ball ache - especially (once again!) for something non-essential.

Believe it or not, day to day I’m quite laid back but when it comes to her overall development or the over arching way we parent her I really don’t want to fuck it up!

She doesn't need to go. I'd go with your intuition.

If you're a sahm why is your dd in nursery before the free hours? Why on earth would you waste £400 a month to send her somewhere she's not fussed about while you are at home ?

2 is wayyy to young to have ‘friends’ or talk fondly of your day.

My daughter has attended nursery since 15m, never once has she told me what she has done etc she doesn’t have the language for one thing! Now and then if I ask she might say ‘painting’ etc but she doesn’t elaborate.

However I get updates every day in her little book as well as photos, and she comes out with a big girls swagger each day 😂 like she suddenly feels older and super cool 😎

They also put on a selection of activities that I couldn’t do at home - crafts every day, they have nursery pets, a soft play gym area, a huge field, it’s amazing.

But then my little girl is very confident & sociable and becomes very bored quite easily at home. She adores people & being in groups, and a toddler group a couple of times a week wouldn’t be enough for her.

It’s a judgement call really.