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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Struggling to decide what’s best for my daughter

24 replies

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 11:30

Left my abusive ex over 5 months ago. He hit me when I was pregnant causing my nose to bleed, last time he hit me was 2 weeks after the birth and breastfeeding our daughter. I finally left him and slowly getting my life back on track. I lost so much weight through the stress I almost died and he left me with ptsd.

Moving forward, I have requested if he wants to see his daughter it’s supervised access. He refuses to go to court because he says he doesn’t want the stress but he wants to see her.

My other concerns:

After I got pregnant he started coming out with comments like he doesn’t like white people (his daughter is half white). He has made so many racial remarks and so have his family. His own mother said mixed race people are the most confused on earth and she wouldn’t even be in the same room as me as I am white.

He started doing class A’s and smokes weed all day. He has got a drug driving conviction and is a drug dealer.

He said he will beat his kids.

So personally, I don’t want my child to have anything to do with him and definitely not his family (who also condoned him hitting me and have made threats to come to my house) and all I want is the best for my daughter but I don’t want my daughter to grow up and resent me for not trying to co parent with him. But I also really don’t want her growing up having any trauma or hating either side of race. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

What would you do now and what would you plan to do in the future when she grows up?

OP posts:
Thehop · 09/11/2021 11:33

Jesus.

Do not try to co parent with this man AT ALL. Lee a diary of Amy contact, move somewhere he doesn’t know if you can and let him go to court for contact.

Do not put him on the birth certificate of it’s not too late to do that.

Have her use your last name.

Alfixn · 09/11/2021 11:36

The best thing you could possibly do for your daughter is ensure she has as little to do with this man as possible.

GabriellaMontez · 09/11/2021 11:40

The best thing for your daughter is to have as little to do with this man as possible.

A violent, racist, addict. Do you really want your daughter to have a relationship with any person that fits this description at any time in her life?

Binjob118 · 09/11/2021 11:42

Your priority is her safety. Get advice and do everything in your power to keep him away. I'm sure she will thank you when she is older when she knows the truth.

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 11:45

Thank you so much for all your comments. I really just needed some input to know that I’m doing the right thing by my daughter so thank you for the reassurance

OP posts:
Domino20 · 09/11/2021 11:47

Seriously. Cut contact and keep him out of your life. Of course he doesn't want to go to court he'll be lucky to even get supervised visits with his history. We don't see my son's father at all (over 9yrs) and I still have moments of relief when I think about the utter bullshit I have dodged by not having him in our lives. Please, isolate yourselves from his crap.

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 11:51

@Thehop my only concern if he does go to court for contact apparently they will still give contact even if there has been DV abuse, maybe supervised initially but over time it will lead to overnight stays. That would be my worst nightmare. This is why to prevent it ever going to court I feel like i would have to allow him access on my terms, supervised. Obviously that’s not what I want to do and I’m hoping he won’t go to court but I’m just so worried incase he decides to.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 09/11/2021 11:51

Let him go to court, which he wont. Don't let him or his family have contact without the courts say so. Make sure you have documentation of the abuse and racist/violent/beating comments to help you in court if he decides to bother to go.

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 11:55

@Domino20 thank you, I have changed my number and he cannot contact me. I’m so relieved he is out of my life. If you can see my comment above, my only concern is if he does end up going to court (his sister said she will do everything to help him go to court although I still don’t think he will right now but I’m worried this will change in the future). What happens if he ever gets overnight stays ...I would be terrified.

OP posts:
SnappedAndFarted18 · 09/11/2021 12:05

@liveinhope100

Thank you so much for all your comments. I really just needed some input to know that I’m doing the right thing by my daughter so thank you for the reassurance
Judging by your op you would definitely 100% be doing the right thing in keeping your daughter away from this poor excuse for a human being & his family, they will fill your daughter with hate & she will learn to hate herself in the process (remember he said he hates white people & you said your daughter is also half white) in all honesty I would even go as far as saying you should try to move if that is at all possible (i understand it’s not easy especially so close to Christmas though) your daughter & you don’t need him/his family in your lives as she gets older you could gently/in an age appropriate way explain to her he wasn’t a very nice man so you cut all contact & decided to raise her on her own but if she decides to find him & have contact when she’s much older you’ll help her to do that 😌 I say this as a single parent raising 3 mixed race children, they speak with their dad now but it’s on their terms as they’re all teenagers 😌 also I wanted to say I’m sorry you had to go through that especially while preganant as well as after the birth of your daughter some men truly are pigs & well done for getting away from him it’s not an easy task. You can do this & you’re doing the right thing 😌 x
Thehop · 09/11/2021 12:05

That would be a huge fear, I can see that, but you speed that up if you give contact now. You have very valid reasons to avoid. Stick to that, keep
You both safe.

Domino20 · 09/11/2021 12:06

[quote liveinhope100]@Domino20 thank you, I have changed my number and he cannot contact me. I’m so relieved he is out of my life. If you can see my comment above, my only concern is if he does end up going to court (his sister said she will do everything to help him go to court although I still don’t think he will right now but I’m worried this will change in the future). What happens if he ever gets overnight stays ...I would be terrified.[/quote]
I always had it in mind that I would ask the court for drug testing as I know there's no way he could have put down a spliff for long enough to pass a test. I think if there's been a prolonged period of absence from your childs life then overnight stays are a very very distant possibility.

LIZS · 09/11/2021 12:11

Wait for him to be bothered to go to court, bet he won't. Is he on the birth certificate?

Elieza · 09/11/2021 12:30

Hopefully he will be so stoned he can’t get his act together sufficiently to go to court.

I’m the meantime, keep a diary of every incident that happens. Of what’s been said previously etc. When he tries to write to you or contacts you in the street or you hear something about him. Basically a list of evidence as to why you should protect your child from this arsehole and his racist family. That way if it takes a couple of years you won’t have to rely on your memory. You will have noted down the full position.

And as a pp said, if drug testing could be part of the scheme then that will solve the problem as he will by then likely love drugs more than anything else, including his child. Sadly.

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 12:38

@SnappedAndFarted18 Thank you so much, really appreciate it. I’m planning on selling my flat and moving away and having a fresh start xx

OP posts:
liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 12:40

@LIZS he is on the birth certificate unfortunately. My daughter also has his last name. I was completely under his control when I was with him and he said if I don’t put his last name for her then he will disown her. I regret it massively and plan to change her name by deed poll

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 09/11/2021 12:40

Yes that sounds sensible. What on earth attracted you to this character let alone having a child with him. Baffling

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 12:42

@Elieza very true. I know for a fact he will never give up weed for his daughter so I guess that wouldn’t look good infront of the judge although I’ve heard they can refuse drug tests

OP posts:
liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 12:45

@MsTSwift he showed no signs of abuse or racism until I got pregnant. He was a completely different character in the first few years but yes I can say my choice in a partner was terrible although I don’t regret it as I have my beautiful daughter

OP posts:
GalaxyPostcard · 09/11/2021 12:51

Did he say the thing about beating kids on a text or an email? If so I'd save that, and any other worrying/aggressive comments, in case he does take it to court.

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 12:56

@GalaxyPostcard No just comments to me in person. He said it numerous times and I said if he ever did I’d call police on him. I wish I had video recorded him but easier said than done

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 09/11/2021 13:00

He sounds horrendous. Keeping her away from him for as long as possible is absolutely the best thing you could do for your daughter. Tbh, if I were you, I would cut all contact, change my daughters name and move away. She doesn't need these scunners in her life, she has you and thats all she needs to be safe and loved.

liveinhope100 · 09/11/2021 13:18

@Funnylittlefloozie he is horrendous. That’s exactly my thoughts so thank you so the reassurance. I just want to best for her and I really think she is better off without him

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/11/2021 15:28

Have you had the DV officially logged - reported to police, used a woman's aid group? Might be worth getting a solicitor and getting legal advice

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