To be irritated by comments from DM

[Madmaxxy]

She's constantly making backhanded comments about the cleanliness and organisation of my home. Here are some examples, from her most recent 3 day visit...

• oh good you can wash the floors while DH moves furniture to paint
• on commenting that a glass coffee table would drive me nuts trying to keep clean 'oh, like the rest of your house' and rolled her eyes
• on commenting that we didn't have room to bulk buy a sack of rice 'well if your cupboards were better organized you would'
• she insists on buying me cleaning products from her country and bringing them in her suitcase. (All things we already have and can get perfectly easily in the UK)
• Tells me I need a 'proper' vacuum after seeing my cordless Shark (which is very good!!)
• Tells me it's not 'normal' to have tea towels hanging out in the kitchen and they should be on hooks inside cupboards.

Now the context is I had my first baby 4 months ago. We live in an old cottage with a dog. DH works long shifts. I simply don't have time to keep on top of hoovering and dusting as much as I used to (we don't live in a squalid filthy house by any means before you go there, I won't go to bed until the kitchen is cleared and clean, living room tidied etc)

Anyway before this gets too long, what annoys me is that my mum had a nanny from when I was two weeks old (yes really, a night nanny) and I don't remember a time in my childhood not having a nanny or au pair, and on top of that, my mum not having a housekeeper or a cleaner several times a week.

So it's not that she's forgotten how time consuming it is having a baby and trying to keep on top of things but she never even had to!!

She's the type that takes things personally and gets very defensive so I just grit my teeth, smile and say thank you but it's really starting to annoy me. Shall I say something or just keep letting it slide, or is this normal mother behaviour?

I think it's pretty normal, my Mum does similar. She's apparently some kind of cleaning guru in her 70s, our houses were no pristine palace growing up.

Tell her every time. Reject her cleaning products and say we have those in the UK and I have plenty thanks. Ask her if she'd like to pay for you to have a cleaner. Keep flipping it back to her and arguing the toss til she shuts up .

If she comments, say 'oh, how do you know, didn't you have a housekeeper?'

I’d have a stock of responses

You should do…. “Oh that’s a good idea. When I can afford staff I’ll tell them that one”

“I know, but I just want to spend every second with baby. We’re happy with the house as it is.”

“I’m too tired after doing the nights. I’m sure my night nanny never did the cleaning did she? She went home to bed! It’s a full time job”

Or I’d be very tempted

“Feel free to do it if you want mum”

“Give over guilt tripping me when I’m doing everything so well by myself and you had staff! Haha! Get the kettle on”

Oh FFS.

Let her take it personally. So what? If she can dish it out she can take it.

While you're doing that, remind her of the help she had with you.

While you're doing that, put the cleaning supplies she brings you in her hands so she can 'fix' all the problems she can see instead of just moaning about them at you.

And while she's busy doing that, put your feet up with a nice

She's your mum so I'd tell her off!!! (Blimey my teenagers tell me off enough for even asking them to tidy their pit bedrooms and they're not even adults yet! )

You're an adult with your own child. It's time your mum realised that you're not a little girl anymore . So when she says something negative and critical about your house/ housework...

"Oh do stop it Mum. You never even cleaned your own house- you had a nanny and a housekeeper. You're hardly an expert"

"Oh do stop it mum, it's unnecessary. I'm a mum myself. Respectfully If I want advice I'll ask"

"Oh pack in the catty comments mum, our house is fine. If you don't like our house you don't have to visit"

Follow it with a grin and head shake/ eye roll and you'll be on your Merry way to rebalancing that power dynamic

If mum takes it personally, good. She's criticising you nipping away at you. It's perfectly reasonable to call her out on it

"Mum I'm just pointing out what you're doing as it's not nice/ not needed"

I wouldn't feel any guilt at all

My mum used to pick pick pick at me. I started calling her out in it in a jokey exaggerated way . She stopped as she hadn't realised she was doing it. It wasn't unkindly meant but was so undermining and just wrong .

I loudly turned things into a joke "another piece of unwanted advice? No dooooooo tell me!! I'm all ears.... " "what are we up to ? 7 pieces of advice in 36 hours on how I should do things as an adult in my own home? Or did I miss any other gems mum?"

"How on earth have I lived my life thus far without your constant instructions Mum? When you're not visiting I clearly sit on the floor watching the world go by thinking if only my 60 year old mum was here to tell me what to do..."

"It's modern technology mum, I know you don't like it but we do"

"That's not dirt mum, put your specs on"

"Oh my gawd those blatant hussy tea towels don't know their place do they mum? So brazen showing themselves rather than being hidden in a cupboard where they can't be aired out when damp... "

What a dreadful mother. No it's not normal although from what I see on here it can be common. She should want to support you after you just had a baby not admonish you, the horrible wretch. As if you haven't got better things to do than wash the bloody floor every 5 minutes.

As she's one of those "can give it but not take it" people, you probably won't get far in trying to get her to see your pov, but I still think you should use some of the responses above to attempt to shut it down as no one should disrespect you like that in your own home.

YANBU but frankly I'd just pity her. An entire lifetime by her age believing that as a woman you're responsible for cooking and cleaning to a high standard to demonstrate how well you can prop up the patriarchy, as your primary means of self esteem, is pretty tragic. Presumably your DH doesn't get panned because he is playing his role adequately by being breadwinner.

Her behaviour is sexist and unpleasant OP and no it isn't normal behaviour for anyone to go out of their way to belittle someone's home and efforts or be derisory about their cleanliness all of the time. As a new mum, and in general frankly anyone deserves more from those around them.

You don't need to defend your cleanliness on here or to her. I would try to find the confidence to assert yourself, and process what a dent to your confidence she is generally and the impact of that.

Your home ultimately isn't her business and isn't a productive or caring set of comments. I would make clear we've heard her opinions on the matter enough and won't be discussing it further, but would appreciate her support instead.

Just because she is your DM doesn't make her infallible or it permissible to treat you hurtfully or not be accountable for the impact of her sexist opinions.

If she wants to help physically or financially I’d let her. Babies are exhausting.

If also say what pp have said above when she starts going on.

My stepmother took great delight in telling me when she had young kids you could eat your dinner off her kitchen floor. She seemingly never went out. She had no life. Work then home. But that was ok as her house was pristine! She was depressed but that was ok as the floor was clean!

I told her that I’d rather have dusting and washings needing done etc if it meant I could get out occasionally to the cinema or the pub or whatever!

You could print this and frame it, then put it on the wall in a prominent position and every time your DM starts with ‘advice’ just point at it.