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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Social media and relationships

20 replies

flabbergastedagain · 09/11/2021 09:49

Following in from a thread on relationships which I didn't want to hijacvk, I'd appreciate your opinions please.
My partner and I are together 14 months. We live apart but spend every weekend together. Both of us very happy about this. Relationship is excellent. We both feel cherished.
I am separated and don't want my ex to find out about us even though I have him blocked.
So here is my AIBU.
We both have fb and ig and are friends, my partner and I.
His relationship status is set to single. Mine is hidden.
He has thousands of 'friends' due to online gaming and knowing lots of people.
He keeps his ex dates as'friends' and likes their posts but never comments or 'hearts' any posts.none are sleazy.
He likes everyone's posts as far as I can see.
He does not post pics of himself or of us but does tag me and refer to me in posts of interest and also makes comments to me.
I tag him on sm in posts, alluding to us being together in a specific place. He doesn't but has no problem with me doing it.
So I am public to his friends through tags and over and back comments but when he posts scenery etc and I am with him , he does not tag me.
Hope I'm not confusing you at this stage.
We both are private about posting photos on f ourselves. We simply don't do it.
I am
Navigating the relationship and world of social media after a long marriage so need your opinions on his behaviours please.
Is he doing anything wrong here. Is he hiding me? Keeping options open with exes?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 09/11/2021 09:58

I’m not really seeing any issue here
If he treats you well in real life then that’s what matters but if you want to change your status to in a relationship on Facebook then ask him to do it too

Cakequeen1988 · 09/11/2021 10:00

There is nothing going on here in my eyes.

I presume after 14 months you have met in real life his family and friends and he’s met yours.

Social media means nothing. So many people posting fake joyful lives. Who tags who in what is really irrelevant to whether you are both happy together. I think you are looking for a problem that isn’t there

Marvellousmadness · 09/11/2021 10:01

How about.. ASKING HIM

BrimfulOfBaba · 09/11/2021 10:02

I'd think it was weird his status was set to single.

BananaBlue · 09/11/2021 10:05

Ive been married over a decade and I think my status is set to single.

Defo not married.

I wouldn’t worry about it, not everyone wants to broadcast their personal life even if every meal is posted up!

Thelnebriati · 09/11/2021 10:06

I am separated and don't want my ex to find out about us

Is your ex a risk to you? In that case, your current partner is taking your online safety seriously.

Wiltshire90 · 09/11/2021 10:06

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we've never "announced" it on social media in fact we've both come off Facebook a few years ago. I can see why you might feel upset I suppose but SM is not reflective of real life. My partner had loads of happy looking photos with his ex but said privately they had a miserable relationship and it was all a front. Have you spoken to him about it? Have you met all his friends and family and do they know?

If I were you I'd just come off it all together if it's making you upset but I know that's not the advice you were looking for.

DrManhattan · 09/11/2021 10:09

Have you met his family and friends?

sbhydrogen · 09/11/2021 10:11

@Marvellousmadness

How about.. ASKING HIM

This is the best plan of action.

Plus, I think you're reading into it far too much. It's just social media, there's no real navigation required. Post pic > receive likes > feel temporary validation.

Bluedabbadeedabbydye · 09/11/2021 10:24

I think if he's so private he should probably remove his relationship status entirely. He's not single bit also, no1 really needs to know.

neededafart · 09/11/2021 10:25

There are many post about this recently.

I find it really bizzare- probably because I am not an oversharer on SM.

My partner and I live together and have a baby on the way. As far as I know we are both 'single' on FB. I don actually think there is one picture of us together on SM either.

It really means nothing

Original poster

flabbergastedagain · 09/11/2021 10:26

I've met all his family and kids and been to several family events and met a couple of his friends.He has met mine but due to the last 14 months with restrictions, we haven't met all of each other's friends as his main friends are at his hometown and we live far away from there.
He has shown them photos of us and I've been there when he chats to them in the phone and I'm very much part of the conversation in that, what we are doing or where we are going etc.
I feel like an idiot asking him why his stays is single but should I ?

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/11/2021 10:29

I feel like an idiot asking him why his stays is single but should I ?

No you shouldn't. Just leave it alone. His sm status means nothing. You can be married and your status say single and vice versa. Totally meaningless.

Original poster

flabbergastedagain · 09/11/2021 10:31

What are your thoughts about him keeping ex dates on his sm and liking posts but not commenting ?
We had war a few months ago, that I posted about ; because an old tinder match that he'd never met was on holiday in his local area and asked to meet him for coffee. He considered it but declined and I was really mad that he'd even considered It and had bloody rang me to see what I thought !!!
Perhaps I am too untrusting but I've very good reason to be from the past.

OP posts:

Original poster

flabbergastedagain · 09/11/2021 10:34

I've seen many posts too but didn't want to hijack, plus the most recent poster dumped her partner because he had exes on his list and her friends whose posts he liked I think

OP posts:

Wiltshire90 · 09/11/2021 10:47

OP my partner follows all his exes on Instagram and regularly shows me their posts and updates. I've met several of them! I still talk to several of my exes. In fact, we both went to my ex's wedding! It would be a bit weird and childlike if you had to immediately cease all contact with somebody forever because you'd once been romantically involved. I feel like you're being a bit neurotic and insecure about this. Surely if there was something to worry about he wouldn't be doing it for all to see!

scarpa · 09/11/2021 10:47

I'm married and my Facebook relationship status is still 'single' I think - I never bothered updating it!

DH doesn't often post photos about us on there or insta, maybe like...10 photos in 7 years? I've probably posted slightly more, but I use insta a lot more.

We're both friends with exes on there, and even people we've just dated. Lots of them are actual real-life friends too, so it'd be weird if we stopped being friend with them because we were in a new relationship.

It's not a sign of anything suspicious in itself.

scarpa · 09/11/2021 11:32

@flabbergastedagain

What are your thoughts about him keeping ex dates on his sm and liking posts but not commenting ? We had war a few months ago, that I posted about ; because an old tinder match that he'd never met was on holiday in his local area and asked to meet him for coffee. He considered it but declined and I was really mad that he'd even considered It and had bloody rang me to see what I thought !!! Perhaps I am too untrusting but I've very good reason to be from the past.

I always think about this - usually, you want to date someone because they seem like an interesting person you'd want to spend time with. That is potentially still true, and those people could be friends. DH is friends with someone he dated for a couple of months shortly before we met - he really liked her as a person, but didn't see it going anywhere romantically. I'm still very good friends with an ex, see him regularly for a catch up. We liked those people as people, being in love with DH/he with me now doesn't change that.

His old tinder match I'd see the same- were they talking for a while and got to know each other? If not then, yes, maybe a little weird - but given the fact he told you about it and asked what you thought, I'd assume he's just a nice bloke!

Original poster

flabbergastedagain · 09/11/2021 11:39

They got talking during lockdown as many tinder matches did, myself included.
They lived far too far away from each other and acknowledged it was pointless to pursue anything but did check in from time to time about everything, his new relationship with me included.

OP posts:

NothingSafe · 09/11/2021 15:03

@flabbergastedagain

They got talking during lockdown as many tinder matches did, myself included. They lived far too far away from each other and acknowledged it was pointless to pursue anything but did check in from time to time about everything, his new relationship with me included.

Ah in that case, it sounds like they're just friendly and I think YAB(a bit)U.

They never developed feelings for one another, didn't even go on a date - and they now chat as friends and he talks about his new relationship (which isn't something you'd do to someone you were trying to chirpse).

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