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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not had sex with DH in months

14 replies

Havingadaytbh · 09/11/2021 07:05

In fact, I don’t actually know how long it’s been and I know I’m BU but I can’t snap out of it or get in the mood.

I’m so worried he’s going to start looking elsewhere although there’s no indications that he ever would. He has been kind and patient, as I have suspected endo and we have had a few miscarriages and an ectopic so he knows I’m fearful of having sex but I feel awful that I’m not giving him 100%

I’m mid 30s, no children, I feel like this should be the height of our sex life but it’s been once a month for the last few years and now just nothing at all for months. He’s even stopped asking or hinting and now I don’t know what to do to get back on the horse - excuse the pun.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 09/11/2021 07:08

Have you tried having an open and honest conversation with him? You need to tell him this, not us!

Would couples counseling be an option if you find it difficult to communicate?

Original poster
Havingadaytbh · 09/11/2021 07:09

Just to add I do fancy him like crazy still and the relationship is pretty much perfect in every other way.

I’ve had some tests done at the doctors for thyroid etc and they were all fine, so medically there’s not an issue (other than the suspected endo but that’s not 24/7) it’s just mental hurdle I can’t seem to get over.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 09/11/2021 07:09

I'd also recommend seeing a counsellor on your own to work through the trauma you've had from your losses Flowers

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 07:10

You need to talk to him.

Original poster
Havingadaytbh · 09/11/2021 07:10

@Lockheart

Have you tried having an open and honest conversation with him? You need to tell him this, not us!

Would couples counseling be an option if you find it difficult to communicate?

We have spoken about it and I’ve been as open and honest as I can about my fears. He said he understands and he’s been amazing about it, but I just feel so sad for him.

Sex was a big part of our lives before all of this and to have it taken away makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
OutdoorHousePlant · 09/11/2021 07:11

There is no rule that says how often you must have sex. If you feel like it then great, if you don't that is OK too.

If you want to return to having more frequent sex but are fearful then perhaps a conversation is needed with your other half, the GP or a qualified therapist. If you have no desire and no interest then that's OK, but still qualifies for a conversation with you other half. A chat, although scary, will help put your mind at ease about his wants, desires and needs. Perhaps he feels the same way? You won't know without that conversation.

Ponoka7 · 09/11/2021 07:11

I agree that it is something that you will have to broach. He's backed off to give you the space that you needed. You don't have to have full on sex you could just tell him that you want to try to build intimacy and see how you feel. Are you still affectionate to each other?

HugeAckmansWife · 09/11/2021 07:18

There's no rule about how often no, but it is a reasonable expectation in a marriage. Its great that you want to want to though and hopefully as others have said you will find a counsellor that can help. It sounds like he's being great and that he'd be on board. I do think asking a 30 yo to basically give up on sex forever would be unreasonable.

gamerchick · 09/11/2021 07:18

There are other ways to create intimacy without penetration but if you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood.

But if you have fears over it then you need to have a heart to heart and talk about it. It can eat away at a relationship a bit at a time if it goes undiscussed.

stalkersaga · 09/11/2021 07:27

I think you need to work up to it again via some nonsexual physical intimacy. Have a night where you strip down and give each other massages, and a night where you focus just on kissing, etc. Make a rule that you WON'T be having sex on any of these occasions. (You can overrule that, should you feel stirred, but he can't.)

Ultimately the only way to do it is to... do it. It will feel awkward the more you avoid it, and it'll feel awkward again the first time. That's OK.

EatYourVegetables · 09/11/2021 07:45

Can you get to the bottom of what’s causing the fear and try to address that?

If it’s fear of pregnancy, there are ways to be intimate (with or without achieving orgasm) which do not include penetration and there is no risk of pregnancy. Perhaps that would be something to consider until you are more comfortable?

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 09/11/2021 08:00

You need to work on this, it's a massive part of any relationship and I've sworn I will never enter into or stay in a sexless relationship again.
Hormonal contraception destroyed my libido years ago, are you on that?

RosieLemonade · 09/11/2021 08:17

What about having a coil fitted? Then you won't get pregnant or have to worry about condoms. That will remove the fear factor.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 08:43

Are you scared of getting pregnant because you're scared of miscarriage again or do you no longer want to get pregnant?

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