Is it me?

[DanJV]

My husband & I have been together since teens. He hasn’t been perfect over the yrs but we love each other & share 2 kids.
My problem in a nutshell is his mates & the pub are more important than us. He nips for one & often is gone hours or on occasion doesn’t come back at all (always with an excuse as to why/what happened) or (I knew you were in a mood so I thought what’s the point!) he sees no harm in it whatsoever, he’s got a stressful job and he’s a very sociable person but I don’t particularly relish getting pissed up night after night. I think there’s more to life
Over the yrs my friends have slowly disappeared as he makes me going out a problem and I’m pretty lonely and isolated.
He’s the life & sole of the party and literally everyone thinks he’s mr fantastic so I’m wondering, is it me? Am I unreasonable am I just miserable? I’ve told home how I feel time and time again but nothing ever changes, he just accused me of not loving him and says he can’t cope with my behaviour anymore. Don’t get me wrong him going out with friends is healthy but I can’t help feeling he is taking the piss. I’d be really grateful for any advice.

Well he’s not much use to you is he? Leaves you with all the donkey work and drudge and raising the kids AND has you believing you’re in the wrong? Wake up!

Get rid- see how much time he has drinking when he has to have the kids 50:50 and do his own house work.

So he's isolated you from your friends and turns everything on you when you question his behaviour.

He's an arsehole at best. It's definitely not you. He wants the comforts of having a live-in housekeeper, nanny, maid, etc whilst he swans about as he pleases. I guarantee if you leave him several people will voice their dislike of him.

I’m absolutely fucking sparkling company out with my mates having a gay old time unencumbered by the tedium of home life and chores!

You have a DH problem. You are not the problem here at all.

Tell him to choose or leave

It’s not you. He’s certainly overdoing it, it’s not healthy. And blaming you for it? You deserve to go out and spend time with your friends too

He's a controlling arsehole. I'd think about leaving him.

That doesn't sound like a relationship or family life at all. Add the alcohol into the mix and you get a whole lot of dropped inhibitions and unpredictable behaviour. I hope you get your life back and be happy.

YANBU but he won't change. If you try to get him to stop this, he will just sulk until he gets his own way again. By the way, I don't know what's 'healthy' about him going out drinking with friends, honestly. That's what you do when you're single, flush and on the lookout- it's not normal for a happy couple with a family - much better things to be doing. Maybe he feels he did too much too young and he's trying to make up for it. Seen it many times. You might be happier on your own with the children.

I’ve told home how I feel time and time again but nothing ever changes, he just accused me of not loving him and says he can’t cope with my behaviour anymore.

What "behaviour"?
Taking care of the house & kids while he gets pissed every night?

This is one of the most clear-cut DARVO's I've ever seen -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

When do your kids get any time with him?
How much does his hangover get in the way of happy times with daddy?

He won't change OP - you said it yourself, - his mates & boozing are more important than you & the DC.
You can only change how you respond to his behaviour. How long do you see yourself putting up with it for?

You can't see it but he is abusing you.
You deserve better.

Sometimes it’s really hard to hear the hard truth from strangers on the internet.

How are you doing this morning?

Who are these drinking mates who also stay out all hours???
I think he's an arse, and also probably a liar about where he's been and who with.
He is manipulating you into kicking him out ( and being the bad guy) .
Sorry to be so cynical - I know someone who did this.

2% of voters think that you are being unreasonable? Wow! Would love for one of them to post and explain why they think this!

You are NOT being unreasonable, he is. 100%. You haven't said how often he goes out but even so, nipping out for one and staying for hours or not even coming back is taking the piss.

So he doesn’t let you go out and as a result he’s alienated you from your friends? And he abandons you night after night to go to the pub and if you object you’re the problem?

He is controlling you and gaslighting you. Please realise this OP. Both are forms of abuse.

How convenient for him to have little wifey at home doing all the chores and the childcare while he lives like a single person. Men like this make me so angry. Wouldn’t your life be better without him OP? How old are the kids? Could you see your way to dumping him?

What actually happens when you try and arrange to go out?

How frequently are we talking here?

Just to add to others’ comments. Will he not let you see your friends on your own not as a couple? If not then there’s def some form of control going on.

Thankyou so much for your messages!
I knew I was right but sometimes you need to hear it from others.
Our kids are 16 and 13 so not babies.
Recently it’s at least 4 times a week. He’s says just because I don’t want to go the pub doesn’t mean his life should stop.
I’m all up for having fun but on the whole I’m content to just be a mum, be with my family etc.
He’s a very manipulative person, one of those blokes that everybody likes but they don’t see the real him.
We’ve spent a lot of yrs together and when things are good they are great. He is a great dad, he’s generous, he’s thoughtful but then there’s this other side that I’m really struggling to cope with.
My friends eventually stopped asking me out as it was just easier to make an excuse rather then go and face the grief/snarky remarks/sulking when I get home.
I do recognise this is my own doing as I’ve let this happen for too long.
I have threatened to leave but then he either plays on my emotions (I can’t live without you, there’s no point, look what we’ve built together) or he’s nasty (I’m not leaving the house, if you want to go go but the cars in my name so good luck with that &he’d make things as difficult as poss)
I also work with/for him just to throw that into the mix so literally all my eggs are in one basket. When I try to discuss perhaps getting a new job he’s so unsupportive.
I’m sorry to ramble on but I do appreciate your comments and it’s nice to be honest.

Yanbu. At all. Apart from being invested in being together a long time and having kids and money coming in, he really isn't bringing much.

I had an ex like that, he used to also tell people lies about me and isolated me too. Leavong was the best thing i ever did, within weeks my lofe was better, i reconnected woth fmily, made new friends. I still wonder if it was luck or just that i was giving off a dofferent vibe. Maybe i seemed more open and put myself out there rather than hiding to avoid his moods or avoiding people so they wouldnt know o was embarrassed and ashamed of my life for being so small. Trust yourself that there is a better life out there. When youre out youll see it for what it is and you'll feel angry, sad, all sorts. But always better. Good luck and have faith in yourself.

At those ages
Surely you can go out without him being at home with the children?

One of the reasons I left exh was that he’d managed to manoeuvre me into being the boring drudge, while he still had his life and mates.

His behaviour is very bad OP. His, not yours. He’s isolated you from your friends, won’t listen to what you say, and has left you with all of the hard work whilst he acts as though he doesn’t have a family.

I get it that you can go out now that the children are big enough to be left, but if he’s isolated you from your friends that’s not much use to you!

Yanbu ,Your husband is abusive and controlling. Time to start getting your ducks in a row and make shapes to leave.

Over the yrs my friends have slowly disappeared as he makes me going out a problem and I’m pretty lonely and isolated.

Thats pretty much the definition of using coercive control to isolate your victim.
What happens if you defy him?

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse.
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/coercive-control

This doesn’t sound fair at all op, my DH goes out drinking and goes away fairly regularly, sometimes with short notice, he also goes to the gym 5 days a week. Difference being I’m ok with it. My kids are older and therefor easier and I enjoy time to myself .
I also go out twice a week without fail and we operate a first on the calendar approach.
He is taking the piss, you deserve more.
If looking after the kids is easy? He can do it then. If looking after the kids is hard work? Then why does he thing you don’t deserve time off form that?
He’s selfish, reclaim some time back, pin him down to a regular day and time and go out, even if you don’t want to! Leave the house, make him get on with it for a few hours one day a week. Once that’s a habit build from there, and fo out for longer or add another day. He sees you as default parent and you need to shake him out of that. If you leave him he will have to look after them by himself , point that out . My ex was like this, I couldn’t change him. Good luck op

He’s an abuser.

Emotional abuse. Financial abuse. Coercive control. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t make him any less of an abuser.

Start looking for a new job on the quiet.