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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can do a eulogy?

29 replies

TellerTuesday · 08/11/2021 21:33

DGran's funeral is on Friday.

DM (only child) didn't want a celebrant as she didn't like the one that did DGrandfather's a few year ago, she said it felt impersonal.

Mainly for her sake I said I would do it.

I'm now absolutely crippled with anxiety about the whole thing. I know that I can do it and I will but as it gets nearer I'm wishing I hadn't said it would.

I had everything wrote out but it sounded really wooden when I was reading it so have decided on bullet points instead.

Does anyone have any tips please?

OP posts:
Defiantly41 · 08/11/2021 21:39

Keep practicing, out loud. It's the ' out loud' that's important.

Read it to yourself, the cat, anyone who will listen. It will start to flow once you are completely comfortable with the content.

EvilRingahBitch · 08/11/2021 21:41

I agree. Stand up and practice out loud in a decent size room, again and again. Then practice in front of your DP or whoever. It's the key.

DramaAlpaca · 08/11/2021 21:43

You can do it, I did for my nan. Practice, practice, practice out loud. Don't make it too long. When you deliver it, focus over people's heads to the back of the room rather than looking at them. You'll be just fine.

Zarene · 08/11/2021 21:44

I'm sure you can, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Yes yes to practicing out loud.

I'd also keep it short. The important things are to convey how special and cared for she was, and to make sure that people who were important to her are acknowledged.

DramaAlpaca · 08/11/2021 21:45

Oh, and speak slowly, more slowly than you think you should. This helps, especially if you are very nervous. And if you get a bit teary it doesn't matter.

Newgirls · 08/11/2021 21:46

No one expects it to be perfect and they will be so pleased you got up to do it. It’s a lovely gift to your mother and grandmother. Well done you

Lentil63 · 08/11/2021 21:46

Just talk to your mum, make eye contact with her. Tell her your feelings for you Nan. You can talk to her. Don’t worry if you cry or stumble over your words, no one expects you to be a professional speaker and as your mum pointed out if you were, there would not be the personal element. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a wonderful thing you’re doing for your mum and your Nan. Well done.

paisley256 · 08/11/2021 21:48

You can do this and you will. I did it and didn't think i could but once your there and the service is all about dgran you'll actually want to get up there and do it for her.

I wrote mine once, i wrote what she meant to me and us all. I wrote from the heart.
Then i practised and edited bits that didn't flow.
Best of luck Flowers

movpov · 08/11/2021 22:40

As others have said, practice - and don't worry about sounding wooden, the important thing is it's coming from you and it's therefore personal and from the heart of someone who knew and loved her.

Big deep breath to start. You will do them both proud. Hope you're ok Flowers

NothingSafe · 09/11/2021 10:59

I had to do this, and I really wanted to, but I was so nervous - and you could probably tell, but it was heartfelt and I was glad to be the person who spoke, rather than the vicar person. Good luck, and I hope you're okay Flowers

orinocosfavoritecake · 09/11/2021 11:18

Ok - first of all no-one expects a brilliant, polished speech. They will all think you are lovely for just getting up there and doing it. They’ll be on your side.

Second - practice. It’s hard to believe but if you practice it ten times by the end you’ll be comfortable in it and sound more natural.

Ideally practice at least once in the space where you’re giving the talk. And/or with someone there to be a practice audience. (I find cats and dogs make great practice audiences.)

Third - it doesn’t matter much if you have notes or script. What does matter is that by the time you give the talk you don’t need either other than as a crutch.

guestusername · 09/11/2021 11:18

Practice, practice and practice. I did my brothers and found it really helpful to pick out a few people around the room to look at when I was talking so I wasn’t talking to my piece of paper. It’s much more personal when a relative does it compared to a stranger.

Take a drink of water up with you too. It will help if you get teary or dry throat. Good luck

Brainwave89 · 09/11/2021 12:34

Hi OP. Firstly I am sorry for your loss Flowers. I did this for my Dad. It worked well. Couple of thoughts to take into consideration. I wrote mine out in full, which I found quite helpful rather than bullet points. I also asked a number of relatives (notably Grandkids) to speak and do poems. This was nice and meant I was not speaking all the time. Do not worry if you make mistakes, that is natural and absolutely no one will mind. Good luck OP.

Owlink · 09/11/2021 14:03

Condolences Flowers Your eulogy will be so much better than a stranger to the family giving it. Good on you for doing it. I did my Mam's and I'm so glad I did. I've done a bit of public speaking / amateur dramatics but was still very nervous. My tips are, much as everyone else has said:

Practice a lot, including pauses.

Take one or two deep breaths before you start.

Don't rush the start.

Speak slowly, much slower than you even think is necessary. People need time to take in what you're saying.

Pause at the end of each paragraph / before you start the next section.

Look up from your notes as much as you can. People can hear you better & feel more engaged.

If you start to cry, just pause & take a deep breath. Don't panic. Carry on.

Lastly, your legs might seize up a bit! When I stopped speaking, I found my legs were so stiff from nerves that I almost stumbled.

Good luck. You can do this. Your Gran would be so proud of you.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 09/11/2021 14:11

I'm a funeral arranger. I agree with the idea of bullet points, that way you can talk around them and won't seem wooden.

As others have said, keep practicing, practicing, practicing out loud so that it feels natural.

I don't want to heighten your anxiety but have you acquainted yourself with the rest of the running order? The celebrant doesn't just read the eulogy, they will usually do a welcome and introduction, maybe do a reading or have a prayer or poem (All Is Well by Henry Scott Holland is a good one). They'll also say some words at the point of committal, and then have a few final words to close with. They also keep everything running to time to ensure the service doesn't overrun.

My tip is to speak to the funeral director beforehand. If you have a good one they will be there to support you on the day. Tell them how anxious you are and hopefully they'll step in and help if it all becomes too much.

Good luck OP.

Bloodypunkrockers · 09/11/2021 14:14

As others have said practice, practice, practice

I wrote mine in full bit on the day as libbed around the paragraphs

I also changed some trigger words that made me cry when I was practicing

Sexnotgender · 09/11/2021 14:17

Agree with all the others. Practice is key.

My husband conducted his mum’s funeral. No idea how🙁

girlsyearapart · 09/11/2021 14:20

I did one for bil. It was absolutely packed. I was really nervous my dd1 who was about 10 at the time had been sitting on my lap in tears beforehand which made it even harder,

Lots of people have said practice which I absolutely agree with. Practice lots.

I don’t agree with eye contact - that made me worse. I fixed my eyes on the back of the room a few centimetres above people’s heads.
The only eye contact I made was at the very end when I looked straight at my sister.
Good luck op you can do it

Cherrycee · 09/11/2021 14:57

I'm awful with public speaking and I get so nervous, but even I managed to do a eulogy for my mum. It went well and I'm so glad I managed it.

Keep it reasonably short and practice out loud a few times. Remember to pause along the way (my problem is that I usually race through these things). Also nothing wrong with having someone stand beside you for support. Good luck.

Funkyslippers · 09/11/2021 15:13

Sorry for your loss. I did one for my dad and right up to a few minutes before I didn't know if I'd be able to do it. The celebrant told me to give him a signal if I couldn't do it and he would read it for me but as I didn't give the signal, I had to do it! I'm so glad I did. He told me that if I was finding it too emotional to squeeze my thumb really hard and that would take the focus away from my emotions. My voice was still a bit shaky but I got through it.

I read from my script word for word pretty much and I don't think I sounded wooden. I made sure I looked up frequently but didn't really make eye contact with specific people. I practiced alot. I found the first minute the hardest but soon got into my stride and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if needed. I would also add I was seriously dreading doing it beforehand. I was really proud of myself after and got lots of compliments

GoGoGretaDoll · 09/11/2021 15:18

Practice, practice, practice - as everyone has said.

Print it out in quite a large font - it really helps if you get a bit teary.

At the end of every paragraph leave a double space and write a note to yourself to pause, breathe, slow down, whatever. In red pen, not in the font you've printed on. The notes to myself on my mum's eulogy said things like 'god sake pause here you fool' and 'are you breathing you dick?' because I wanted to make myself pay attention to what I was doing rather than what I was saying. But you can just write 'pause' and 'breathe', you don't need to insult yourself!

I'm sorry for your loss. I know you'll do her proud.

GoGoGretaDoll · 09/11/2021 15:19

Oh if you are graveside and walking to a lecturn, wear sensible shoes. I had to get DH to hold my hand on the way around, not because I had heels on but because the ground was really uneven.

KurtWilde · 09/11/2021 16:25

I did my dad's eulogy. I wrote it out a couple of days before and practiced it til I knew it off by heart. When it came to reading it at his funeral, something entirely more organic and heartfelt came out. I just said what felt right on the day, some was what I'd written, some was memories that seems to come flooding back when I was stood next to his coffin. It was an unforgettable experience, and I'm so glad I was able to do that one final thing for him.

Original poster
TellerTuesday · 09/11/2021 19:24

Thank you all so much for the lovely comments 🥰

Some great tips. I do feel slightly more confident about it now, although still sick to my stomach at the same time.

OP posts:
OnFormbySands · 09/11/2021 20:34

@DramaAlpaca

You can do it, I did for my nan. Practice, practice, practice out loud. Don't make it too long. When you deliver it, focus over people's heads to the back of the room rather than looking at them. You'll be just fine.

@DramaAlpaca has written exactly what I was going to write.

I couldn't look at anyones face so I looked at a vague spot at the back.

Good luck.