AIBU to look at other schools in Year 10

[NoKnickerElastic]

Long time lurker, rarely post. I'm at the end of my tether. My 15 year old daughter is in Year 10. Until a year ago she had been very happy at her school however recently her small ish group of friends seem to have turned their back on her. She is utterly miserable and doesn't seem to have the confidence to seek friendships elsewhere. She seems to just hang around this group, being left out and listening to them making plans every weekend. She is now asking to change schools. She's mid GCSE and I know how disruptive this will be. But so is being incredibly unhappy. Is it crazy to consider moving school at this stage? There's no guarantee same thing wouldn't happen elsewhere right?

Is there a hobby group she could join externally to school? Her school days might be a bit flat but if she had somethinvgto look forward to she might get through it. Things like cadets meet fairly often or some sports clubs have a whole social side too.

I know thats not your question

Does she know why they have done this , was there a falling out ? . If she's really unhappy a change of school might be worth considering

Could she go and visit another school for a day and see how it goes? That could be really helpful in deciding whether it is the right decision or not. She's unlikely to do her best if she's miserable but moving and still being miserable could be even worse.

Schools are reluctant to accept Y10/11 students part way through the year.
If you were to appeal an application refusal, I couldn't see the reasons you have stated being significant enough to sway a panel.
I work in appeals.

Have you spoken to the school at all? While you can't make other students be friends with her if they don't want to, I'd want to get to the bottom of why this happened. A conversation with the school could instigate support for her to enable new friendships. Although it's a difficult age, I agree.

Alternatively if she is deeply unhappy there she won't do well anyway so I totally understand your thoughts about moving her.

If her current school can't help her out emotionally then I would look at other schools. Do you have another school in mind and if they have space etc?

A year is a long time to be unhappy. Feel for you.

Thats so sad bless her. Why are kids so horrible at times. I would definitely look into it if it'll make her happy.

I'd try for her. The damage it must be doing to her self esteem. And as pp says, she could maybe try a day or two? But equally you could also speak to the school. They might be able to help.

Thanks for all your replies. I have already spoken to the school several times, they are supportive but ultimately can't force the other girls to be friends with her. She does do some clubs outside of school and has casual friendships from there but nobody she would make any plans with. Thank you for the input about appeals, I guessed it might be difficult at this stage but I just can't decide what's more disruptive, changing schools or absolute misery!

Misery is worse. She's got time to catch up with any changes if you look now.

Is she self motivated enough to catch up in subjects where the gcse may have started in Year 9? Not all start on year 10.

Is she prepared to accept she may not make new friends which will add to pressures she may have about catching up?

I sit on a in year transfer board for schools. Schools would take her but worth checking your local authority about ones that have places in year 10. Then contact the schools to see what exam boards and subjects they offer. This should make your decision easier. Better move now than in Year 11.

Surely it depends what her grades are like?
If she's gong to get great grades won't school with her space be keen to take her?
Good luck op I also think a trail day somewhere might be the best idea so she understands the enormity of the move

Yes I'd have to agree that misery is worse. Especially after a year of it. Your poor DD. I've had a few bad patches with my teenage DD and it's so so hard.

If she moves to a new school it's a clean slate for her with the kids though. She may not make friends but she won't have the history of this failed friendship group following her every day.

I guess, if I were in your shoes, I'd have a long chat with her about how much harder she will have to work in a new school to make up any gaps. If she is prepared to do that, then make the change.

The question is what is worse? Having a few neutral acquaintances at a new school and having to work hard with your support; or be miserable on a daily basis at her current school (which will affect grades anyway, let alone her self esteem).

I think I'd move her if it were me. She may even make new friends and be much happier than have no friends in perpetuity at her current place.

I'm waffling but you know what I mean.

She can change at the end of GCSEs no?

Year 11 absolutely flies by. Deadlines, mocks, revision and exams will keep her busy and it'll be over before you know it.

Once the first term is over everything else is like a coda to her school years.

People in her year will likely start to feel sentimental and she may find herself talking to others more.

If she's reluctant to approach others to make friendships, what makes you think she'll have friends in a new school?

I think it's a bad idea. Loads of kids are unhappy at school but they get through it.

It's really tricky to change schools mid-way through their GCSEs as there's no guarantee that other schools will be doing the same exam board for all of her subjects, so she may have an awful lot to catch up on (depending on when you'd move her).

I have a DD in Yr 10 too, she had a close group of friends since Yr 7 - they were all boys and she seemed to get on really well with them, they included her in meet ups outside of school etc. Mid-way through Yr 9, she started to find them incredibly annoying - they were just being 13/14 year old boys, but the toilet humour and un-PC "jokes" got a bit too much for her and she decided to back away. She felt she had no friends at school and was very unhappy for a while.

In the meantime, she had come out to us as being gay, so we found an LGBTQ+ youth club, which she now goes to. She made tons of new friends there - even a couple who are at her school. It meant that with these new connections, she was able to find a new group of friends who seem like a brilliant bunch! DD has also started at a local drama group where she has made more friends, who she tends to make plans with to see at weekends etc.

I do think that your DD needs to push herself a little here - I know it can be uncomfortable to approach new people, but until you try, you just don't know - they could be her lifelong BFF! My DD is forever going up to people in town and saying "Hi, I really like your style/hair/make up, can I get your Instagram as I'd love to follow you?", which has resulted in several more new friends, but does take some confidence to pull off (I don't think I could have done it at 14/15!)

Shes asked to move, i think you should facilitate that.

Its more important to her to see you have hee back and support her decision.

If you were being treted that way at work youd look for a new job wouldn't you. Especially if college is likely to be the same people so another 2 years on top of that.

Thanks again for your replies, I see there is a real balance of opinions. I have contacted the school she is interested in to ask about a tour. I agree its important she knows I'm backing her but I have been absolutely clear it could be out of the frying pan and into the fire. She knows a few girls in the possible new school but there's no guarantee she will slot into their existing friendship groups. It's been really useful reading your views, it's easy to forget just how short lived school is and there's always the option of alternative colleges/6th forms.

DD1 was desperately unhappy at school but refused to consider moving until one day halfway through Yr10 she said ok I’m ready to go. I did everything I could and moved her asap. She dropped a subject completely and did business studies from scratch as her language choice wasn’t available. It was tough and she had to work her socks off but overall she had a far happier last year and a half than would have been possible had she not moved so I’d say listen to her and go with it. It’s about more than GCSE’s sometimes.

I would move her.

I moved one of mine at that age. She had to drop and switch around some of her GCSE's but did amazingly well in the end. Very different reasons though. I did it for fear her school was badly failing her, which it was, but my god, the loss of friendships from her old school was appalling so you are right to consider it in the round. If however, I was in your shoes, and it was to escape this kind of nastiness I would do it, every. single. time. Exams can be retaken. But that kind of sadness and loneliness is crippling. Bless her, and you. X

Have you ascertained whether the GCSEs she’s taking are the same board and the same topics?

I don’t see how you can move her if they’re not.

I would bill it more as a sixth form option so there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Encourage her to spend more time with out of school friends and get her head down on her studies.

Get her involved elsewhere mine does riding and Drama club. To her surprise several others from her school help out at the stables so she made need friends and the same when drama.

I wouldn’t move if you can help it. Move at sixth form. Concentrate on school work and talk to the school ask about band, choir any different group of friends she can get in with etc

And get her a counsellor so she can get some independent support.