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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner didn’t say anything about new hair

42 replies

Pigeonette · 08/11/2021 15:10

Got some hair extensions so quite a different look. I’ve had them before, they’re not the best I’ve had but they’ll do for now.
Went home and my partner just smirked and didn’t say anything. He knew I was having it done, I know I did it for me, I don’t need his validation but I think it’s nice for partners to be supportive and show some acknowledgment.

Didn’t seem that interested in talking, just carried on watching his videos and so I did my own thing. Turned to me eventually and I asked him what he thought of it.
He didn’t say anything, just gave me a big smile and then it turned into a bit of a game I guess. He wouldn’t say a single word about it and I said ‘Just wait until you get your hair done eh’ in a hokey way.
Then he replied, “Well I don’t really need your opinion on it usually’ and I said he didn’t have to.
Then in the end he said ‘Nah it looks alright’.

Dunno if I’m being a bit sensitive but just reminded me of an ex, I’d gotten an asymmetrical cut and he told me it made me look like an old woman, then I heard him sniggering with his sister saying “wtf is that hair”.

I coloured my hair red and my current partner said he preferred brown but I know that’s just his opinion, I still kept the red.

OP posts:

AnonyMum21 · 08/11/2021 15:57

Sorry but I think you are wrong to go ‘compliment fishing’.
If your hair is enough of a change that he definitely noticed (obviously yes in this case) and he still didn’t comment then I think he doesn’t like it. And so surely it’s better that he just says nothing?
You pushed him into “it’s alright” but it’s not a genuine and meaningful reaction so next time don’t ask. You’ve done it for yourself anyway

ErickBroch · 08/11/2021 16:03

Smirking silently is so, so strange. I am not sure how some posters think this is normal behaviour. This entire conversation between you both seems like you hate each other.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 08/11/2021 16:08

Sounds like maybe this isn't actually about the hair but instead it's one event out of many where he makes you feel ignored, patronised, dismissed, insecure etc. Is he normally a warm, attentive, loving partner? Do you feel secure and happy in your relationship? If yes then put it down to an off day and don't give it a second thought. If smirking and ignoring you in favour of "his videos" and weird game playing around answering straight forward questions are the norm however then maybe start thinking about whether the relationship is working for you. Look at the patterns, not the one offs is what I'm saying.

Dappled · 08/11/2021 16:08

@User527294627

He just doesn't sound very nice? It's not like he just didn't notice, which I think is forgiveable. It's the fact that it seems like he was trying to make you feel awkward and insecure about it. I totally see why you're a bit upset about it, it just doesn't sound like a nice exchange.

This ^ Is he usually considerate of your feelings? Does he make you feel appreciated and loved? Does being with him make you feel good about yourself? Do you generally feel he is interested in what you say or do? If this exchange is a reflection of how he generally is with you then I don't think this sounds like a nice person to be with. I agree with @User527294627. It sounds like he's being deliberately mean to make you feel shit. On the other hand, sometimes we all have off days or can't think of the right thing to say in the moment (if we really don't like something, don't want to be rude but aren't any good at lying either, for instance). If he's generally all the things in my first paragraph, I'd be more inclined to let it slide (but still feel a bit miffed tbh).

blissfulllife · 08/11/2021 16:09

Dyed my hair bright red once. About 3 weeks later my dh turns to me and asks if I've dyed my hair. Honestly lol. The silent smirking isn't nice op. If you like it don't worry about it x

NothingSafe · 08/11/2021 16:12

He doesn't sound very nice.

Even if he didn't like it, the smirking and not saying anything, then snarkily saying he didn't care if you liked his hair is all a bit...like negging, because you've had your hair done and he doesn't want you getting too full of yourself. Then throwing in an 'it's alright'.

Hard to tell without context - I might jokily refuse to tell DH what's in the shopping bag I've got until he goes, well I don't care anyway, and we're just being silly, so maybe it's like that but with something where obviously you want your partner to say it's nice, because it's your physical appearance and you've just made a positive change (nobody gets their hair cut to look worse, do they). So it's a bit shitty of him to hold out like it was a game, because the assumption is 'haha, she might think I think it looks shit', which isn't really funny.

TotallySuper · 08/11/2021 16:15

He sounds horrible OP I'd get rid of him

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 16:23

Initially I thought you might be being a bit daft & precious OP - but the smirking is a massive 'tell'.
wasitme.blog/2019/04/11/the-narcissist-smirk/
Not looking to label your partner, because who knows - but I do want you to Name The Behaviour to yourself. Hoiw much of this article hits home to you?

Sounds like this is fuck-all to do with your hair, & everything to do with your partner knowing exactly which of your buttons to press to make you unhappy.

Why do you want to be with a man who likes making you unhappy?
Even in this small way?

MilduraS · 08/11/2021 16:48

The closest thing I got to a compliment from DH was "I thought you said you were going blonde" and then after the next appointment a few months later.. "oh that's very blonde". He's not good with compliments but would never sit there and smirk at me. That just seems rude and like he's deliberately trying to antagonise you.

mewkins · 08/11/2021 16:49

I'm with you. I mean how much effort does it take to tell someone you love that they look nice? It's not difficult is it? Is he normally tight on compliments?

WhatAShilohPitt · 08/11/2021 23:03

I don’t like the fact that he was smirking and deliberately being silent. Sounds like he enjoyed making you feel self conscious. So, YANBU,

Original poster

Pigeonette · 08/11/2021 23:22

Yeah I honestly cannot imagine someone’s partner walking in with say, a shaved head, totally different colour, a tattoo etc and the person says absolutely nothing to them, doesn’t acknowledge it at all, it’s such a weird behaviour

OP posts:

Pascal80 · 08/11/2021 23:48

Perhaps he doesn't like hair extensions because he knows it isn't your own hair.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2021 00:03

He sounds daft.

EnigmaCat · 09/11/2021 00:10

I've struggled with the question "do you like my hair/nails/shoes/dress/etc?" in the past, as I often don't have an strong opinion and it was her choice as to how she looked. I didn't smirk or make more of a game of it though.
Guess I just don't feel qualified to judge.

PrincessNutella · 09/11/2021 13:10

If he's giving you room to do your own thing, he's a winner.

Yayaga · 09/11/2021 13:12

He's a dick

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