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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First ever post (please be gentle!) AIBU re foreign exchange trip & new baby

24 replies

wickedwitchofthenorth · 12/12/2007 20:38

Need some perspective here, think pregnancy hormones are clouding my judgement. Am nearly 38 weeks pregnant.
Step Daughter (18) asked in July if it would be ok to go on an exchange trip. She would be going abroad in Jan and guest would be coming over in March (baby will be 10 - 14 wks old by then). Told her I wasnt happy with the idea coz of baby and the extra hassle that another person in the house would bring. The xchange student would need their own bedroom and they cant specify wether student is male or female till later, once final numbers are in.
She asked me again a month or so later and I said I still didnt want it to happen but it degenerated into a bit of a row.
Have now found out that she has signed up for the trip regardless. And I am so angry I could scream.
Part of me is fuming that I have to deal with the added stress of a visitor in my home when I will no doubt be struggling to cope with baby. Feel like booking a hotel for that week and just leaving DH to cope with it all. Incidently DH backed me up at first saying it'd be too much, but now seems to think it'll be ok. So feel he has double-crossed me too
BUT I also dont want her to miss out on an important trip. Really don't know if I'm being unreasonable in wanting to make a big family issue out of it.
Honest but tactful opinions please. I feel so weepy and hormonal as it is!!

OP posts:

MotherFunk · 12/12/2007 20:45

Message withdrawn

ninedragons · 13/12/2007 07:00

Yeah, as MF says, I'd contact the exchange people and tell them exactly what's going on. DSD's underdeveloped teenage brain obviously has no concept of what a newborn involves.

And have a word to your husband about backing you to the hilt, while you're at it. I'd nip any dissent in the bud right now, before the baby arrives and DSD even thinks about manipulating him in a "you love your new baby more than me" way (I have seen this with more than one friend's teenage stepdaughter - it must be in the handbook).

TenLordsaLapin · 13/12/2007 07:47

Welcome to MN!

YANBU (you are not being unreasonable), this can be a very tiring time. Fingers crossed you will be lucky and have an angelic baby who sleeps through, but you could end up with the dreaded colic and that's hard work (although it goes, honestly!) I think your DH has forgotten what having a small baby in the house is really like.

I'd be very annoyed that she has gone behind your back, but she IS a teenager - I'd be considerably more angry with your DH for not backing you up. Why does he say he suddenly thinks it's OK, or is he trying to placate his daughter?

Can you go and stay with your mum for a week? (or would that be worse!)

If this exchange is going ahead regardless, let's all cross our fingers that you get a lovely calm student from a big family who is fantastic with small babies!

Anna8888 · 13/12/2007 07:55

How can your stepdaughter have signed up for a trip that involves lodging another person in her parental home without her parents having signed the form?

Contact the organisation involved and explain the situation and you will be able to get out of it. You need to make your boundaries quite clear to your stepdaughter and I'm afraid that "missing out" on the exchange is all she deserves after going behind your back and trying to force the issue.

InnAFull · 13/12/2007 08:01

It was definitely a bit cheeky of SD to do this behind your back! But she is young, and the young are selfish (hopefully they grow out of it) and she probably has no idea of the stresses and strains a young baby brings to poor Mum. You are definitely NBU

Is there any hope your student might be put up at someone else's house, as MF suggests? Someone local who's doing the same thing? Sometimes people who go in for these things are only too happy to have two exchange students, if they're having one, they can comfort each other through the homesickness, etc. I expect you'd have to make some sort of financial arrangement to cover bed/board... but given the circs of tiny new baby the exchange organisers might be willing to ask around for you.

You poor thing. Just what you didn't need at this point. Am angry for you that you feel you're getting no support because it is a lot to take on.

TheBlonde · 13/12/2007 08:15

YANBU - do what Anna says

helenhismadwife · 14/12/2007 16:32

YANBU at all thats really inconsiderate and manipulative of your Stepdaughter to have gone behind your back. She is acting like a spoilt child

I would be livid and have to say I would be ringing up and saying sorry but I will have just had a baby and the timing is not good count me out!!!

As for your dh its really bad that he hasnt continued to back you up, it may be that he honestly cant remember what it is like with a newborn, or is trying to make sure that sd is not feeling pushed out by the new baby but for gods sake she is an adult. I would have a talk with him and make sure he understands how you feel and how unacceptable his dd behaviour is, get him to talk to sd and even get him to ring up exchange people.

yurt1 · 14/12/2007 16:40

erm I think it would be a shame for her to miss out - is it for A level or something- can be really helpful if it is- and 10-14 weeks is enough time for life to have begun again iyswim.If baby was going to be 2 weeks I'd say no way, but 10-14 weeks is different. Is there anywhere else she could stay (her mother's??) I'd look into whether its possible to be a non-exchange trip.

crokky · 14/12/2007 16:44

If I were you, I would go and stay with your mum for the week and tell DH he will have to sort it out as you'll have your hands full already.

Ubergeekian · 14/12/2007 18:30

Why not ask her to make a backup arrangement in case the baby is a bit of a wailer? Perhaps one of her friends' families could be kept in reserve if you can't manage it?

In addition, why not contact the exchange people, explain the situation, and ask for someone who is happy with a fairly small baby around the place. You might get a free au pair for a bit out of this!

QueenBhannae · 14/12/2007 18:57

Put your foot down.Tell your dh to grow a dick.
You have already made your decision and she has ignored it.That shows lack of respect and immaturity.Why then reward her for being sneaky and manipulative?
18 is not too young to understand that what she has done is selfish.I had my own mortgage and was at uni at 18 fgs!
I have step children aged 22 and nearly 21 and have had them throughout their teenage years and it is hard work,made much worse by unsupportive and pathetic behaviour from their father.
It is him that you should confront and him that needs to tell her the final outcome so there can be no more manipulating.

Nightynight · 14/12/2007 19:50

I think she went behind your back because you were a bit unreasonable, actually. A baby and a guest quite possible - chill out and live a bit!!

UniversallyChallenged · 14/12/2007 20:05

How long will they be staying at yours for?

If only week or two then YABU, if any longer than that then YANBU

MrsMuddle · 14/12/2007 20:15

Is the exchange visit part of her language course? If so, I think YABU (a bit). I think exchange students have a pretty full programme planned by the school / uni, so the chances are he or she will just be at yours for B&B. You won't have to entertain them or take them places.

And you never know, they might look after the baby and let you have a long bath or a snooze.

SpeccieSeccie · 14/12/2007 20:37

YANBU - If this is your first then I think having this visit hanging over you will make the early weeks of new baby more stressful. (Plus, I'm not sure if it's that fair on the visitor).

I like Crokky's suggestion of going to stay with your mum. If you are there the visitor is going to look to you for help/hospitality and I don't think you should be expected to do much apart from get used to being a new mum.

mumzyof2 · 14/12/2007 23:47

God no, if you dont want a stranger in your house, dont have one, regardless of who says what about it. My ds is 3 and I still wouldnt like it!
It isnt a small thing to have a complete stranger, that you know NOTHING about, living with you. Its your house, you say who stays there, simple.

EricScrooge · 15/12/2007 00:02

We had a lodger in our house and everything was working fine until we found out we were pregnant again.

She was told in no uncertain terms that she was to vacate the room well before the birth date.

You do not want a stranger (or anyone else for that matter) in your house during this difficult time.

I can totally understand your concerns.

You need the comfort of your own space to deal with this - not worrying about someone elses space.

Arrange something else or you will regret it.

yurt1 · 15/12/2007 07:34

the thing is step relationships are difficult enough already. If this is part of her course and everyone else is going then I can see why she would be desperate to go. Exchange trips do really help when learning a language. Socially at 18 the whole group going except you feel disastrous.

At 10-14 weeks you are past the tiny newborn bit - it isn't like having visitors to stay at 2 or 3 weeks - and life has got back to normal and for that reason if this was something that would help your SD I would really look into seeing if you could accomodate her in some way. If you really, really can't and the trip is part of her studies/all her friends are gong blah blah then I'd talk to the course organisers to see if there;s some sort of compromise she goes one way- exchange student stays with someone else over here etc).

Is this your first child with her father? If so I think excluding her 'because of the baby' is just going to be a bad start to what will hopefully be an exciting expansion of your family. Stepfamilies have so many potential hotspots. Keep her onside and she'll be an excellent babysitter I kind of suspect if she was your dd (rather than sd) you would be saying OK or trying to sort out something for her if your new baby was going to be 3 ish months old. Especially if this is related to her studies. If it's just a jolly then slightly differernt.

mimi03 · 15/12/2007 17:42

hi and welcome to the addictive world of mn!

YANBU- you will still be tired and getting used to a change in your routine. I know i was pissed off with just family popping in!

I would try and explain to your step daughter that (not to scare you) that your body will have undergone a huge strain, and you will be getting used to a new routine and concentrating on getting your energy back. its your house and she needs your permission. if it was me i would say no and not feel unreasonable at all!

Bouncingturtle · 15/12/2007 18:11

Yurt - I think it is very unfair and presumptuous to assume that the OP's unhappy about the situation because it is her dsd rather than her actual dd. I know you don't mean it in a unkind way and that you are just trying to be helpful, but it does annoy me when people assume that stepparents treat stepchildren differently from your own children. Or worse better than your own children!
The issue is that it appears it would be disruptive to the house with a new baby, WWOTN mentioned that she would have to sort out a bedroom for the exchange student which it not straight forward. And it certainly wouldn't be fair on said student for her to be expected to babysit such a young baby in exchange for her B&B. She may be uncomfortable being around a young baby especially one that wakes up the house in the middle of the night on a regular basis! Plus the OP doewsn't even know if the student will be male or female!
WWOTN - can your dsd still do the exchange trip without having someone come over to stay with you? It would be a shame for your dsd to miss out on a trip abroad, but at the same time it was wrong of her to go behind yours and your DH's back. Or if the exchange student could be accommodated at another house, that would be helpful. I don't think you should be turfed out of your own home for a stranger! Oh and your DH needs to grow a spine, I'm afraid.

yurt1 · 15/12/2007 21:55

well on mnet stepparents often do seem to treat their children differently than their stepchildren. The OP herself has said the trip is important, the baby will not be newborn it will be a few months old; there should be some sort of compromise possible. I really can't imagine a mother refusing her teenage child an important exchange trip because she has a 3 month old baby- seriously I can't. 3 weeks? yes, 3 months no - not for the reason of the baby anyway (money/space etc other issues).

I do have every sympathy with this sort of difficulty. At some stage we will have to accomodate ds2 and ds3's wishes for these sorts of trips when they have a severely autistic brother (no bathroom locks, older autistic boy who joins guests in their beds at night- hmm problems aplenty - the last thing we'll want is to accomodate another person but I know that if it comes up we'll have to sort something out). Really it seems unfair on the sd to miss it because of a 3 month old (assuming as I said before it's part of her studies/all her friend are going and not just some sort of random jolly).

I also think that stepfamilies have so many potential problems that if this is a first sibling for the dd it would pay for family harmony in the long run to be as accomodating as possible.

Nightynight · 16/12/2007 07:17

what yurt said.

widgypog · 16/12/2007 09:18

I don't think you actually have to have a student anyway. When I was at school neither me or my sister wanted to go but we always had a student over. I think there are always uneven numbers of swops so I would ask about that...oh and I may get shot down in flames for this but has anyone considered the student? if the baby is cryong all night(possible) thats far from enjoyable for anyone!!

widgypog · 16/12/2007 09:18

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