Problematic mother in law

[Lilnic153]

Am I being unreasonable.

Me and my partner never argued up until we had our baby. He is almost 5 weeks.

The problem is his mother.

I worried about how she is with our son. She doesn't hold him properly doesn't support his head, when she holds him upto her chest she doesn't check his head is turned so he struggles to breath. Just everything about the way she holds him puts me on edge. Not only that she force fed our baby milk to the point where he spat the bottle out multiple times and I told her that he had enough twice she ignored me and this resulted in our baby projectile vomiting her excuse she doesn't like waste.

When ever we point something out or tell her she disregards it she knows best . She has even laughed and joked about how we watch her because she is in her words a 'suffocator'.

When ever I say anything about my partner he gets defensive of his mother and doesn't support me in the slightest.

I hate going to see them it makes me so anxious ...yet my partner is inviting we go three times a week.

Am I being u reasonable.

What can I do I'm at my witts end

I can’t believe you let her overfeed him. He’s your baby, if you won’t look after him no-one will.

Get a sling and keep the baby in it.

Sorry I didn't clarify enough after she ignored me the second time I took my baby off her.

My partner forces the fact that she should be able to hold him because she's his grandmother and down plays everything she does.

Like that incident he says it's an accident she knows not to do it again. Well she won't because i don't let her feed him anymore. And it's not an accident when you are told not to do something and carry on.

@Lilnic153

Am I being unreasonable.

Me and my partner never argued up until we had our baby. He is almost 5 weeks.

The problem is his mother.

I worried about how she is with our son. She doesn't hold him properly doesn't support his head, when she holds him upto her chest she doesn't check his head is turned so he struggles to breath. Just everything about the way she holds him puts me on edge. Not only that she force fed our baby milk to the point where he spat the bottle out multiple times and I told her that he had enough twice she ignored me and this resulted in our baby projectile vomiting her excuse she doesn't like waste.

When ever we point something out or tell her she disregards it she knows best . She has even laughed and joked about how we watch her because she is in her words a 'suffocator'.

When ever I say anything about my partner he gets defensive of his mother and doesn't support me in the slightest.

I hate going to see them it makes me so anxious ...yet my partner is inviting we go three times a week.

Am I being u reasonable.

What can I do I'm at my witts end

YNABU

First of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby! I hope you're doing well x

If this was the other way around your partner would expect you to do the talking to your mother to correct her ways, he needs to understand this isn't personal, it's just your turn to be parents. Things were different when our parents were parents and times have changed, they had their turn, it's your turn now.

If you're a first time mum, bless your heart. Maybe sit him down and sweetly explain it's not personal, you love his mother but it's been time since she handled a newborn and it takes time to learn to do it, it will take careful clever talking by your partner to ensure his mother doesn't get offended. You should not have to do any talking.

In our case, my MIL used to get upset but eventually realised her son is talking sense, usually I get him to say it, but for the most part he thinks for himself and says what I need him to without me saying a thing to him. This has taken time to build, MIL is an awesome baby sitter now!

3x a week seems kind of suffocating, I can understand why it's giving you anxiety but a little communication can go a long way 

oh boy, I'd tell him you're not going to visit his parents because he didn't back you up the last time you were there.

3 times a week is ridiculous.

We have both told his mother, but she thinks she knows best and doesn't see a problem with what she is doing. And like I said she's even turned it into a joke.

I have said three times is excessive but he said he should be able to take our son 7 days a week if he wants to.

I feel like he just disregards my feelings.

You have a DP problem.

Tell him he has to back you up - it's non negotiable.

Agree with above too, you need to stand your ground on this one.
Wouldn't want this to continue with every other aspect of your child's life too. Your partner is with you so should value and respect your boundaries for the child that is equally BOTH of yours not his mothers. "Can take him every day of the week if he likes" sounds controlling and kind of mean.. I'm sure he must be a lovely person but think you need to really stand your ground on this carefully.

YANBU, you have a DH problem. What would happen if you put your foot down and said once a week only?

How often di you see your own family?

Do you see what a massive partner problem you have.

He's minimised his mother's treatment of your baby.

Equally he is disrespectful of your concerns and needs. You're a new mother. He should be prioritising you and your newborn.

Instead his Mum is more important and also his 'right' to visit every day if he wants. This is incredibly concerning.

It's time for a long chat about your needs and expectations. What is your situation? Are you married? Renting? Other children? He is normally a selfish mummy's boy?

You need to have a PROPER conversation with your DP over this. If this is your hill, so be it.
You tell her ONCE and if she doesn’t listen, there will be consequences. You decide what’s best for your baby and under no circumstances will you be letting your baby suffer or take stupid risks because someone thinks they know best.

If you don’t put your foot down now and lay down rules, it’ll only get worse.

3 times a week is excessive. Does he ignore your feelings in other ways? He sounds extremely unsupportive. How is your relationship otherwise?

I think you need to chat reasonably and calmly with your DP. Explain to him why you are worried and be able to back it up. Try to resolve this with him so he supports you because ultimately it sounds like his mum will be spending 50% of the time being able to do what she likes without you aware if you split over it.

Your partner needs to realise his main role now is being a parent. Being a son comes a long way down his list of responsibilities now.

Three times a week is far too much.
You need to tread carefully though as you don’t want him taking the baby there without you knowing.

What would happen if you invited your family down 3-4 times a week. Would he like that?
As for her holding him say to him if she can't learn to hold him properly then she won't be holding him again. It doesn't matter who she is you care about your baby.

Otherwise the relationship is great and he is normally so supportive and respectful. It's just when it comes to his family.

Have you had problems with his family before?

You need to keep talking to him because it spunds like he doesnt get it.
Can your health visitor talk to him?

3 times a week is excessive even for the perfect grandparents

Don't let this be about you vs your MIL; reframe it as being about your MIL not looking after the baby properly, and how your DH needs to step up as a father to protect his child.

To he honest he does tell him mum when we are there but then I get moaned at saying he feels uncomfortable, but she doesn't listen. Like I said she knows best.

He knows how I feel. I couldn't have told him anymore clearer.

After our argument today he said he will sit down and talk to her. And he said its going to upset her.

Hopefully things will change but I cant see it happened she has the attitude she raised 2 children and looked after 2 grand children.

Not to sound nasty but I'm shocked they survived. She keeps giving me out dated advice and suggest things that aren't suitable for a 5 week old I understand things change and she has the cheek to criticise my parenting.

This is my first baby and I went through a traumatic birth where I nearly lost our baby aswell as my own life due to all the Complications had a long hospital stay. Considering all that I think I have done pretty well and my midwife and health visitors are more than happy with my parenting.

It's just horrible because before this I had a great relationship with my MIL. And my partner but its just taking its toll on everything. He could be more supportive but he feels trapped between me and his mum. He's admitted he doesn't like the way she is with our baby but down plays it saying he is there to watch.

It only takes a minute for something to happen and if she is ignoring what we are parents are telling her. I think it is seriously wrong.

Me and my partner have come close to splitting up because of how I feel and how he has made me feel so unsupported on this matter.

OP,

You poor woman.

Your partner is not a good man.

He will put himself, his discomfort, and his mother ahead of you, all you have been through and his baby.

This is not good.

You need protecting from him and his mother.

Reach out to familt and friends.

Go and staybwith your mother.
Your relationship is in trouble as you are not his priority.

His mother is.

Leave them both.

To be honest my MIL was having memory difficulties as she was constantly saying that my daughter is delayed (she was actually advanced according to guide) as my husband apparently was walking by 6 months and eating independently by 7 😜🤪. I was glad that she is overseas and I see her on video only. Make sure you pick your battles. We have tried to reason with her but no way to do that. My husband usually nods and does his own things.

He has his own new family now and it's time to prioritise them. He should be worried about you and your baby. Not upsetting his Mum. I agree with PP. You should stay elsewhere.

You say He is usually supportive. Is it possible that you're both young and this is the first big challenge you've faced together and the first time he's had to step up?