Ten year old step daughter being relied on

[Lalastepmum]

I am a step mum of three and mum of three.
My youngest step child has always been very helpful with her grandmother and I have always felt too much so for a child. Grandmother is poorly and not very able. Does have my eldest step son live with her and my partners sister.
This can be helping her go to the toilet, cleaning and even picking up dog poo(which frustrates/annoys me). I generally keep away because I don’t have the patience. I have stated time and time again this is what my partner should do. Most of the time they end up complaining about whatever she does. Supposedly she has does it wrong or misplaced something. She loves helping her.

So today whilst my step daughter was there she dis grandmothers online shopping (she is ten). We collected her then received missed 3 phone calls to let us know that my SD had put the wrong email address in and that they know the shopping is coming but just to let us know.

I am fuming I have told my sd not to help grandmother any more and tell her to wait till dad returns for whatever. Grandmother never asks for anything when I am around she always waits till I go or not present. However, I am rarely present. If she visits and my partner drops her off she always asks when he drives her home.

I have moaned to my partner about him being lazy. I feel quite strongly as I was the child who was put upon because my own mother died.

Aibu with what I said to my SD10

Where are her parents in all of this? What do they think?

Mum is not on the scene and dad never wants to upset his mum. Today he did say well this does happen when you get a ten year old.

YANBU but your partner sounds like a terrible parent. Why would you want to spend time with someone like that?

To do it.

@Merryoldgoat

YANBU but your partner sounds like a terrible parent. Why would you want to spend time with someone like that?

I do not disagree. The problem Is when he split with the mother of the children his mum helped. Whenever she is challenged she cries and this is one of the reasons I have very little to do with her.

If it's your partners mum - he should be doing a lot more! Your SD is 10 and sounds like she is doing a lot for her age and they do nothing but complain about her effort. Whilst I imagine it's good in someways she is learning responsibility, it sounds like she is being completely taken for granted. I wouldn't be happy. It sounds like she already has a lot of support available (SS and her own daughter) I don't really see the need to get your SD to do anything.. I think YANBU.

You have to be realistic. Your partner isn’t going to do the care work. The 10yr old is too young. Time for partner to have family meeting to hire a professional carer.

Poor kid, YANBU

Thank you all. I am so pleased that how I feel is not unwarranted. I have made it clear we are not leaving there any longer unless we are there.

I always find it really upsetting on the likes of children in need when you see children being carers for adults. It’s just so wrong. Children should not be relied upon or out upon to care for their parents/grandparents, they should be allowed to be children.

@Allaboutthecake

I always find it really upsetting on the likes of children in need when you see children being carers for adults. It’s just so wrong. Children should not be relied upon or out upon to care for their parents/grandparents, they should be allowed to be children.

^this. Poor SD is being robbed of her last of her childhood. There will be years of responsibility ahead of her. Her DGM sounds ungrateful about her help anyway, your DP needs to step up.

She needs to be allowed to be a child. She needs to look back at memories with her grandma being positive and enjoying things, not her feeling obliged to do things for her and then being made to feel not good enough. I hope she isn’t told off for the mistakes etc

The grandmother and dad sound like complete arseholes, to be honest. You can tell they’re cut from the same cloth, anyway.

Good on you for standing up for your SD.

Are social services aware of this?
Your SD is a young carer.

I know she’s not your daughter but this is completely unacceptable and you need to get involved and tell him she’s not doing it anymore so either he does it or he gets her a carer.
She should be playing with her friends or concentrating on school not being a carer when her dad is more than capable.

How can your partner let his own daughter take care of his mother? Poor little thing.

That just boggles my mind. I'm not sure I'd have too much respect for him tbh.

This is disgusting.

Your partner is an absolute twat.

She needs professional help. It will retain her dignity and keep her feeling like she can manage without bothering her darling son.

It should not be for a small child to help a relative toilet.

PS she will say she doesn’t want strangers in the house and she has no money to pay. They all don’t want strangers in the house but sometimes it has to be done.

Her son should check and make sure she is receiving all the benefits she is e titled to.

The poor girl, no YANBU at all! There are other people there to help the GM for heavens sake, she has a son and a daughter. Why on earth are they allowing a girl, a ten year old girl, to do all this shit? The lazy bastards.

Thank you everyone. I have been so fed up with it. She doesn’t see her grandmother enough to be a young carer. This only because I have no time for her. She did the same with my eldest step son who now lives with her but he is very lazy.

I have been really firm with partner and he knows it is not on. I think I need to be a bit more present to prevent this from happening any more.