Would you allow him to see the kids again?

[namechangedaily]

BIL is an arsehole who has never really liked me and always looked for reasons to fall out with me.
DP and I were due to get married last year (it was cancelled due to COVID) and we had said seen as he had only been with his partner a short time at that time his invite was only for him. He kicked off and said it had come from me (even though it was DP who told him) and blamed me.
It's his birthday next weekend and I've got a 6 week baby. DP was going to take DS who is 5 and I was going to stay at home but decided I'd quite like to come along. We paid £300 for an air B&B then he told BIL that me and baby were coming too.
He kicked off saying if I was going to be there he wouldn't be, that I wasn't welcome he can't stand me, he'll tell me exactly what he thinks of me etc.
DP said in that case none of us will be there and hung up on him. He said as far as he's concerned he's done with him.
Would IBU to not allow him to see the kids again? He never makes and effort with them unless DP takes them there (he lives 5 hours away)
Why should I allow someone to see my children who can't stand to be in the room with me?

Not even why you'd question this? Fuck him

I’m confused, you said he doesn’t make an effort to see your kids unless your husband takes them to see him. So if your husband is done with him they are not going to see him as a direct result of that? He sounds horrible but he also sounds like he is already not interested in being an uncle to your children?

@Annorah343 I suppose I'm asking if hypothetically he makes up with DP. I tend to worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet!
He has only recently started FaceTiming to see out 5 year old but has never made the effort to come up here to see him, and didn't even send a card when our daughter was born 6 weeks ago x

In that case I would say if he feels comfortable bad mouthing you to your husband there is a risk that if you allow a relationship between him and your children to develop in the future he could then start to bad mouth you to them. I would be very careful and keep them from getting too close. In my family there was an uncle who took great delight in creating wedges between his siblings and their children. I would not let him near them!

@Annorah343 no I'm not going to! Why should I xx

Fuck that for a game of soldiers - he sounds unhinged.

Is there a particular reason you don't get on with him to begin with? His behaviour seems completely unreasonable on the surface but it's not clear if there's a backstory or not.

He doesn't sound that interested tbh so not sure whether it makes any difference 🤷🏻‍♀️ is he likely to try to see them?

Wtf? Why are you even asking this? He’s cut ties now. Your kids will NOT miss out on a relationship with him. Fuck that noise - move on.

Why should I allow someone to see my children who can't stand to be in the room with me?

Um... why are you even worrying about this?

So he doesn't like you. Do you know why?

Do you like him?

Would you like him to have a relationship with his nephew/niece?

If not then just cut him out. Your DH has stood up for you. So I'm not even sure why you are posting.

didn't even send a card when our daughter was born 6 weeks ago

Christ, I haven't sent siblings or close friends 'cards' when their children were born. Who even does that?

What exactly are you expecting him to do? Name a star after them?

You sound quite unreasonable to be honest.

Let it be for now. DH has your back, he doesn’t live near. Anything else and you’re just stoking the fire.

@Etinoxaurus

Let it be for now. DH has your back, he doesn’t live near. Anything else and you’re just stoking the fire.

Exactly this, OP. Back off from BIL or even thinking about him in any way, but especially in anything to do with your children. It's refreshing that your DP has your back so follow his lead. 🌹