To feel unhappy at home

[RunningAtStuff]

I have three DS - 12, 10, 6. 12yo has Asperger’s, 6yo is pretty challenging but think learnt behaviour rather than ASD. Been with DH for 20 years, I work FT, he’s a SAHD. We have a lovely house, nice schools, neighbours, I love my job but our house is full of shouting and doesn’t feel like the happy home I’d like it to be.
12yo has challenging behaviour, sometimes he hits DH, he doesn’t sleep well which means we’re often up in the night.
DH is at home so bears the brunt of it which is tough for him, but he’s always cross. He snaps at all three of them, has no patience, rarely smiles, doesn’t want to do things at the weekend, just seems down all the time.
I do a pretty full on job that I love, but not excessively long hours. We all eat together every night, I do the school run once a week. But I’m starting to dread weekends because they are full of shouting, and me trying to get everyone doing stuff and DH looking reluctant or exhausted.
Not really sure why I’m posting, just feel sad that I can’t wave a magic wand and create a happy home!

It sounds like your DH is overwhelmed and possibly depressed. Can you split the roles differently - eg you work part time? Can you pay for help - eg for a cleaner, if that takes some of his time? Or for after school or weekend clubs to give you both a bit of a break? Ime men’s depression is more likely to appear as grumpiness.

Also why do you think you should get everyone ‘doing stuff’? Maybe you should back off a bit at the weekends and let everyone chill a bit

Your DH may bare the brunt of it, but given all three are in school giving him 5 free hours a day, and you are home by dinner, its not a huge additional burden to your own. That said, he's clearly unhappy. In his position I'd be exploring the possibility of taking a job to give me another focus, and extra cash to buy in help if needed.

It sounds as though you are fairly fulfilled and happy, but your home is not happy and your home is not happy because your DH is not happy.

I may be being too simplistic.

But maybe your DH needs more in his life that is fulfilling and fun? Could he get a part time job and you pay for a baby sitter for a few hours a week?

Could you suggest that your DH have a couple of evenings a week off, to do whatever he chooses?

Are they not all at school most of the day? Why is DH so exhausted?

I agree that your dh is fed up and needs to get a job (if possible). Been there myself, though I had a little one at home still when I started my job.

Your DH could get a FT job but he'd still be on the receiving end of physical violence from his own son. The 6yo would still be playing up too. He's probably depressed and no bloody wonder.