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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know whether to send DC to school or not? Family death.

23 replies

TimeToSay · 07/11/2021 10:47

Looks as if we're going to lose my dad today.

I have an 8 year old and they were very close.

It's been a horrific disease he's battled with and they had a lovely day Thursday with him awake and able to hold her hand and her telling him he was the best grandad ever.

So I've kept her away since as he's been pretty unresponsive and I thought that was a nice goodbye. (Now doubting myself as he's been very calm but it's that balance for her.)

But anyway. I'd just like to know what you've done in regards to school for children in a similar situation?

I know it'll completely depend on when he does pass, when we tell her and how she reacts.

But I'm trying to organise my thoughts best I can as this not knowing is driving me a little insane. I'm the sort of person that needs a plan.

OP posts:

SweetMaryHell · 07/11/2021 10:49

My mum made me go to school the day after my dad died. I ended up punching someone in the face (I was 11). I was a mess and should never have been there

lollipoprainbow · 07/11/2021 10:50

When my dd grandpa died I sent her in the next day but told the teacher in case she was sad.

ScreamIfYouWantToEatPasta · 07/11/2021 10:50

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I was in almost exactly the same situation earlier this year, with my Dad. We sent our children to school, and sat them down that evening to talk through what had happened.

I'm glad we did; it gave me a little breathing space to get myself together and prepare myself for the conversation.

Love to you - be kind to yourself.

LividLaVidaLoca · 07/11/2021 10:51

Sometimes a bit of normality and routine is better for them than being around upset parents.

As PP said, gets you some breathing space to process too.

PinkiOcelot · 07/11/2021 10:52

I would just play it by ear. Don’t worry about it now and see how things pan out and see what her reaction is when he actually passes. You may find she wants to go to school to be with her friends or she may be clingy to you.

So sorry about your dad

EmeraldShamrock · 07/11/2021 10:53

If you can send too school, I would.
I'm very sorry.

MrsDThomas · 07/11/2021 10:53

If she wants to go, let her. If she isn’t happy being there, perhaps ask a friend to collect her as im sure you will have things to do.

GrandmasCat · 07/11/2021 10:54

It depends how close they are and how upset they could get.

Personally, I would prefer to send my 8 year old to school to avoid them seeing me in distress or for them to escape a bit of the drama, unless they are very upset themselves.

WTF475878237NC · 07/11/2021 10:54

I'm so sorry and hope your dad has a peaceful end.
I was absolutely distraught being sent to school when my great nan who I was very close to died the night before. I felt I needed to be at home where I could be sad as everyone else was. At school everyone else's life was just carrying on as normal so I felt I had to pretend I was fine when I wasn't. I was also 8. I really wish I had been kept at home to be upset altogether.

Rosebel · 07/11/2021 10:54

I'm sorry about your dad.
As you said it totally depends on how she reacts and I think I would ask her if she'd rather go to school or stay home. It depends if she'd prefer a distraction or would rather be with you.
Make sure the school are aware regardless of if she goes to school or not. I went to school when my grandad died and was fine but two days later it hit me and I ended up being sent home.
So even if she does go to school just be aware the reality may hit a few days later.

LolaSmiles · 07/11/2021 10:55

Sorry about your dad.
As a teacher I've seen some students come into school and others have a week off. Neither were right or wrong. The families did what was right for their children. I've also known one sibling be in school and another stayed home, or a student come to school but be allowed to take time in a safe, quiet space if they need to step away for quiet time. I've had students from my form sit and work in the back of my class for the day rather than go lesson to lesson as well.

You also might want to think about what will be going on at home too, and what you need. If you're grieving, would it be better or worse to have DC around?

There's no right or wrong answer.

HelloDulling · 07/11/2021 10:55

I think you’ll have to play it by ear. See how well she sleeps, or not. If she’s upset and also tired, it’s not going to be a good day for her.

Cattitudes · 07/11/2021 10:57

We left it up to them. One went in first thing, another went in half way through the day and another had the day off. If she is really tearful I probably wouldn't send her straight in. We asked the school to explain to classmates so you might consider doing that.

cowburp · 07/11/2021 10:57

It's going to depend on their reaction and also yours tbh. You could always send her in if she feels up to it but let the teacher know and then is it possible to check how she's doing about lunch time?

NoSquirrels · 07/11/2021 10:57

My mum died very early on a Monday morning and my youngest of a similar age. We sent the DC to school because, honestly, I couldn’t deal with them being at home that day because I needed some time and space for my own grief before I could support them with theirs. To be the parent I needed to be for them I needed to be the child who’d lost her mum for a bit. And I’d been up all night after some really emotionally taxing days/weeks.

We told both schools, and the children’s best friends parents so they could ask their children to support without them having to say it out loud if they didn’t want to.

I have no regrets. They needed a bit of normality. I also know it’s absolutely what my mum would have advised me to do if I could have asked her. She would 100% have told me ‘send them to school’ and she was very wise and had tons of experience of children that age dealing with emotional stuff.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish your dad a gentle passing. Be kind to yourself.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 07/11/2021 11:01

Do what feels right.

My dc went to school on the Monday following my Dad's death on the the Friday, my Dh told school what had happened. They came home absolutely exhausted from holding in their grief all day so I called school the next morning & said I was keeping them home for 2 days minimum as they just needed some time. As it was we had awful snow so school was closed on the Thursday & Friday. They were much more ready to be their emotionally the following week. The school were great & completely supported our decision to keep them home.

Take the next few days one day at a time

Original poster

TimeToSay · 07/11/2021 11:07

Thanks all.

You've basically echoed what I'm thinking.

I'd already said to DH and my mum if dad was to die overnight I wouldn't tell her until after school so we had the day to sort ourselves somewhat.

(We had 2 nights last week we were certain he was going to pass and didn't. But it's a lot more certain to be soon now form what the nurses say.)

School are well aware as has been a couple of years of deterioration. And when we were told he was in his last week or two I emailed her teachers and SENCO. We're so lucky she's at an amazing little school who care a lot and have a HLTA with grief counselling training who is lovely and DD loves.

So I know whatever happens she'll be well cared for an ok. Just such an unknown and I want to do the best for her.

I've barely seen her the last few days as with my parents a lot. Thankfully though my aunt stayed last night so we got to take her to the fireworks and I slept at home and had a nice morning today so she's had some normality.

OP posts:

SmellyNelliey · 07/11/2021 11:19

We lost our grandparents 13 days apart Jan 2020 so our nanny and grandpa my children Dd7 and DD5 still went to school they didn't go to the double funeral either, had hard as its been we have kept our "happy memories" alive and often speak of the things they did that we loved the most, sorry your going through this OP💐

Embroidery · 07/11/2021 11:25

Deep sympathies about your dad.

I wouldnt send them to school, it's hard coping with a very distraught child in the school system, who needs sofa, cuddles and time to grieve. School teachers cant cuddle them and best school can often is a TA sitting with them 1to1 with them all day, watching ed videos / going on ipad or colouring in. If school has a 'hub' or 'sunshine room' (aka other names) this might be a solution.

Children really dip in mainstream class until they recover. You can't keep a distraught (or crying / very pale / very withdrawn) child in mainstream class while youre teaching eg fraction multiplication. The brains neurons dont like it and they overload. Sorry to not use tech terms but thats the jist of it.

Sorry for your loss x

yellowflowersintherain · 07/11/2021 11:29

I'm so sorry about your dad

Sadly we are in a similar situation although it's my husband's father rather than mine and my eldest is 6. I'm planning to send her to school this week as I think the routine and distraction will be better for her. I've told the teacher what's going on so she can support her if she is upset.

It's a horrible situation and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

FlamingoDust · 07/11/2021 11:30

I am so sorry for what you are going through. As a teacher we often get messages letting us know that a child has lost a close relative the previous day. We keep a really close eye on the child and I notice it usually helps the child as they are with their friends who can comfort them/take their mind of it-whatever is best in that moment. If the child was distraught and not coping we would ring home but I have only had to do this once (and it was a parent death rather than grandparent) in many, many years. Sometimes a bit of normality is needed plus some time for you to grieve and sort what need sorted.

yellowflowersintherain · 07/11/2021 11:34

I'm also going to tell the school that I can come and pick her up at anytime if needed. I suspect she will be ok once she's there but it's hard to know for sure.

LittleOwl153 · 07/11/2021 11:43

I think it depends on your child and how you are once it happens (you won't know till then).

I would send her to school up until the point he dies if he is no longer responsive and she is OK with not going again - or take her again once more evening / today to say goodbye.
You have so much to deal with and it won't hit her until it has happened so she'll be better off in her routine with her friends.

Once he dies see where you are at.

My MIL died early in the morning mid week. (The kids had seen her at the weekend but she was largely gone by then). That day - with them with us (6&10 at the time) we sorted the funeral then we went out for a nice lunch. We spent time at home that afternoon but my eldest went to guides that evening - where I knew she'd be looked after. I think they then went back to school the following day whilst her dad and I carried on sorting things out and just had the day of the funeral. But thatvwas largely their choice. Maybe the younger one followed the older one and they were both at the same school at that time.

Take care...

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