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AIBU?

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Original poster

horrid play pre-schooler

31 replies

huihiii · 07/11/2021 10:10

My pre-schooler is currently going through a phase of everything being 'destroyed', 'killed' and 'damaged' when he plays with his say dinosaurs or police figures. My friends with girls just look on in horror and am honestly not sure where he gets it from. Am assuming it's a phase rather than him displaying sadistic tendencies. Right? Did your three and four-year-olds also go through it?

OP posts:
ThankYouKindly · 07/11/2021 10:31

Yep 3 year old ds is all about smashing and crashing. Doesn't help that he's obsessed with Hulk so everything is 'Hulk Smash'. His big sister who's 7 was never like that - although she now loves joining him in building cushion forts then jumping on them to destroy them.

Hungry675tf · 07/11/2021 10:33

Mine is the same, your "friends" are being ridiculous, precious and judgemental to be horrified at a normal phase of developmental play

Original poster
huihiii · 07/11/2021 10:36

So it is normal, right? right? I've tried to do redirected play, insist on kind play, but honestly, he just loves 'smashing' things, killing things, attacking things......when does it end? My nieces were never like that, most of my friends have girls and I dont remember them ever going through that phase.

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 07/11/2021 10:51

@huihiii

So it is normal, right? right? I've tried to do redirected play, insist on kind play, but honestly, he just loves 'smashing' things, killing things, attacking things......when does it end? My nieces were never like that, most of my friends have girls and I dont remember them ever going through that phase.
Totally normal. My eldest son is nearly 9 and plays war all the time. My husband is 44 and joins in. It doesn't end!
Calicoqueen · 07/11/2021 10:52

It's been normal with all 3 of my DC. X

alittlebitdemented · 07/11/2021 10:55

I have twin boy and girl. Raised the exact same way. The boy has always been far more boisterous. It is in their nature. Nurture can change that but is completely normal.

My friends with girls always looked on in disbelief. Try not to worry. It's not you.

NuffSaidSam · 07/11/2021 10:56

It's normal.

I wouldn't try to change that play when he's involved in it, but you can try and start some other gentler play at other times. Suggest a tea party, get him a doctor's/vet kit so he can look after something, ask him to cook something in a toy kitchen, get him a doll to take care of etc.

Ime they play all these caring roles alongside the play that's all about death and destruction!

Wilkolampshade · 07/11/2021 10:58

Well my daughter used to play 'killing machines' with her best friend at that age. She seems OK....

RudestLittleMadam · 07/11/2021 11:00

Totally normal and some girls play like that too. And so do some boys.

nimbuscloud · 07/11/2021 11:04

Do you know anyone else with boys?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 07/11/2021 11:05

Surely the only point of building towers is the anticipation of knocking them down?! Children at school play really nicely with the Lego , then gleefully destroy it at at tidy up time... Everything is fine, there are no sadistic tendencies Hmm

LoveThemNormally · 07/11/2021 11:11

I remember looking after my boy cousin aged 3, my own DD was 4 at the time.

He grabbed a toy I'd bought off him and asked if he could "Kill it right now" and threw it to the floor.

It's a funny story looking back but I remember being horrified at the time.

I think it's a phase.

LoveThemNormally · 07/11/2021 11:12

*off me that should be

Original poster
huihiii · 07/11/2021 11:12

Ok, good to hear it's not just him. We do have a couple of friends with boys his age, but they dont seem to have reached that phase yet. In fact, even for us it's only been a thing for a month or so. Otherwise, it's mostly just girls around us. Most of my friends had kids a while back and I didnt really pay much attention then.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 07/11/2021 11:16

My preschooler boy doesn't play killing (though he loves building a Lego thing and then pulling it back apart, so he does destroy - ripping up paper is also a favourite, but then that is very satisfying I think!) but he is obsessed with death and talks about it in ways that are quite disturbing sometimes. He tells everyone about his grandma who died, which is a bit awkward as people are very sympathetic but it was actually his great-grandmother who he had never met so we're not actually processing a trauma as people assume! These are big, weird and quite exciting concepts to little children, I don't think it's surprising that they get fascinated about them and that comes out in play or speech.

SmallGreenStripes · 07/11/2021 11:38

I have three boys. None went through this phase. What’s he watching on TV? Does he play computer games?

RacketeerRalph · 07/11/2021 11:50

Oh yes, DS went through this phase. He was completely screen free at the time so definitely not linked to what he was watching as a previous poster suggested.

Mummyratbag · 07/11/2021 11:51

I remember a reception party (whole class) where all the girls were lined up in pretty dresses doing as they were told, whilst the boys (inc mine) were having a mass bundle on the floor. It was over quite quickly and no malice.

Also remember my two rolling on the floor squealing and giggling whilst a friend with one boy and one with one of each looked on and gently asked "are they OK?" "Erm yes, no blood, tears or screaming, just letting off steam". The one with one boy now has two and totally gets it. My boys are actually sweet, gentle and sensitive, but like the occasional rough housing.

Marvellousmadness · 07/11/2021 11:53

Jezus. All the" boys will be boys "comments..
Just because some boys behave like this does not make it normal. Because a 3/4yo yelling out he wants to kill things. Isnt. Normal....

KlaraSun · 07/11/2021 12:06

Boys get a surge of testosterone at 3 years of age. This is why boys tend to like tough play more than girls

Original poster
huihiii · 07/11/2021 12:18

Yes, I am not sure that I wouldnit down to gender. Maybe his age. No idea.

How did everyone manage it?

OP posts:
fanjosaysi · 07/11/2021 12:20

@Marvellousmadness

Jezus. All the" boys will be boys "comments.. Just because some boys behave like this does not make it normal. Because a 3/4yo yelling out he wants to kill things. Isnt. Normal....
You're right... girls do it too

Nothing to be worried about. Young kids don't know what killing really is, it's just danger or whatever to them. Not sadistic.

Bearfrills · 07/11/2021 12:30

It's very normal and both my boys have gone through this stage of bash-crash everything and saying this is dead or that's been blown up. Kids play usually reflects them trying to make sense of the world and its all part of cause and effect learning.

I remember a reception party (whole class) where all the girls were lined up in pretty dresses doing as they were told, whilst the boys (inc mine) were having a mass bundle on the floor. It was over quite quickly and no malice.

To reassured you OP that it's not just boys, something a lot like this happened to me with my youngest DD. Older DD is a total girlie-girl, nice dresses, plays quietly, etc. It's nothing I've done, her whole personality is just very laid back and gentle. My other DD though... we went to a party and older DD was dancing with her friends, playing party games. I looked around for younger DD and she's in a corner with a gang of boys, wrestling around, doing that thing where they run and then skid on their knees, all in a fancy party dress Grin

Nietzschethehiker · 07/11/2021 12:34

@Marvellousmadness

Jezus. All the" boys will be boys "comments.. Just because some boys behave like this does not make it normal. Because a 3/4yo yelling out he wants to kill things. Isnt. Normal....
Seriously ? Don't be so ridiculous. Clearly you aren't around many. It's a completely normal way of them understanding and testing what seem big words and big things. My Ds did it but so did my friends DD and several of DS female friends , they just did it in a quieter way. Less war games and more dolls being mildly disturbed.

I'm incredibly hot on not allowing the "boys will be boys" mantra because it's dangerous and absolute rubbish but don't get get silly with your rhetoric of "it's not noorrmmmmalll " implying that he's a danger in training.

3 year olds are not normal by adult standards. They are not supposed to be. I've experienced both boys and girls test out these ideas just I'm different ways. They hear about violence and death in the wider world. You can't avoid it completely as much as I tried. But those concepts don't mean anything to a safe and loved child so they try to figure them out. They do it by expressing what seem to be extreme responses to gauge others reactions to them. Not deliberately but how do they know what is extreme without testing it.

If you witter on and clutch your pearls that they aren't normal...congratulations they will listen to that.

There is a giant difference between a child testing these ideas and a child in a dark place. Don't make something into something else it's damaging.

AnCailleachOiche · 07/11/2021 13:04

This is very normal with boys. Also nose picking etc boys are gross Grin