Finding it all so hard and just want to give up

[Imfindingithard0]

I didn't know where to post this.
I'm just finding it all so hard today.
Been through family court proceedings with my ex for 18 months now..
He's an abuser, the type that has the capacity to murder. He's an extremely dangerous man.
Through a catastrophe of errors and exceptionally bad legal advice, he ended up with supervision in a contact centre..
I had to forcibly put DD in the car, endure screaming all the way there and forcibly remove her from the car and hand her to contact centre staff. This was never noted in reports, it's almost like they were in his corner.
This has had a really profound and lasting effect on me, I can still hear my daughters screams at night.
The abuse was so awful when I was with him, i wanted to kill myself.. But I didn't, because I didn't want to leave my daughter motherless as well as fatherless, my daughter deserved better.
I can't sleep at night as all I think about is his barrister ripping me to shreds and depicting me as a vindictive and bitter woman scorned. The judge has made multiple findings against him and made his own findings of his own volition and has allowed contact to continue.
What I'm struggling with is accepting the future, I just want to give up. I know he's going to torment me if he's permitted unsupervised contact, we have no suitable person to do handovers between us, the thought of ever seeing his face again terrifies me.
I've had some really dark thoughts in respect of just handing our daughter over to him and disappearing out of her life, but I'm effectively giving her death sentence if I do that, and I cannot and will not give up on her.
My daughter and I have the most unbreakable bond, she's so happy, confident, caring, kind, loving and just an amazing little girl.. I can't be prouder. However, she's still dealing with the trauma of it all, lashes out at me and her friends at nursery, is visibly distressed at the mention of him and tells me daily that it's just "you and me, nobody else"
I've tried to seek play therapy for her, but they won't touch us as she's still seeing him.
I, myself am not ready to have counselling yet, I'm not ready to tackle those feelings.
When I hold my daughter in my arms, I just want to cry.. I just want to scoop her up and run away.
My legal representation is appalling and just believe i have to accept everything as it, there is no fire, no advocacy, no belief for a victim of domestic abuse.
All I want to do is cry and just want to give up, but when my daughter kisses my face and randomly stops what she's doing to cuddle me and receive reassurance, I know I'm raising such a beautiful little girl, inside and out.
The future just looks bleak and I genuinely don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with him.

I really feel for you and you are going through an incredibly difficult time. It's totally natural and reasonable to feel you can't cope and It's all too much.

But u know, this is how i see it. I've a daughter too, and I love her so much. I will never let her down or abandon her. Even though times will be so so hard. I'm sure as you say living your daughter and caring for her will win out.

To love is very powerful and it will get you through . I've not had the experience of DV myself but ice know heartache and life threatening illnesses. Where there is love I've been able, just to let that get me through. I really hope this helps.

I love my daughter and my other kids and ill always better for them. I'll make mistakes I'll be weak but I'll never give up on them. I really hope you can see your way through through this ..reach out and try and get some more support that u need. Take 1 day or 1 hour at a time.

Have you thought about changing solicitors? Someone who is specifically trained in DV cases? You can contact women's aid who will support you through the process and advocate for you and your daughter.

I tried to call women's aid but it was such a long wait to actually speak to someone, it's not ideal at work and at home with my daughter. I am speaking to a new solicitor next week though, hopefully it's easy to just transfer legal aid certificate over.

Don't give up.
You & your daughter will get through this but it will take time.
Do you have support from family or friends?

Not really, no family close-by, have a few friends but don't want to drag them down by continuing to speak about it. X

It sounds like you're an amazing mother and you will continue to be, but we all need some support and with what you have been through & still going through would it not help to try your doctor's and tell them everything that you have wrote here.

have a few friends but don't want to drag them down by continuing to speak about it

If a friend of mine was going through this, I would WANT her to talk to me about it so I could support her. Please reach out to your friends.

And it does sound like you've had bad legal advice. Very glad you are speaking to a new solicitor.

You CAN do this and you will. So sorry you've had such a bad time.

Thank you. It's just the expectation of him one day getting unsupervised contact, he's so violent and deranged, I already know he's going to destroy our daughters life and turn her against me, she's either going to accept that abuse is acceptable or she's going to end up being an abuser, he's bred from a long line of abusers.
I did reach out to my gp a while ago but nothing came of it. Just don't know how I'm going to cope with him terrorising me further.. I've got protective injunction in place but the expiry date is fast approaching.

I’ve no real advice, all I can say is keep on.
Get a new legal team, go back to your GP, ring women’s aid, document absolutely everything. Did you ever go to the police about him? Do you have any evidence of his abuse? Keep fighting

I would suggest getting a new solicitor, appealing the decision for supervised contact.

Any texts, police reports, evidence against him get together. Ask for cafcass to speak to your daughter.
During her meltdowns when you tell her she has to see him, film her. It’s evidence that she doesn’t want to go and is causing her massive distress.
Ask for police reports, medical records, drugs and alcohol testing.

If you don’t like the outcome, appeal.

she's either going to accept that abuse is acceptable

No she won't. Not if your actions now and your advice to her show that is absolutely NOT acceptable. Stick to your guns. Get strength and support from you friends. And from us. We are always here.

I say this gently, as I’ve read your posts on it at different times, but you are catastrophising now - it’s absolutely not a given that he’ll get unsupervised contact in the future.

It’s totally understandable that you’re seeing the worst case scenario but you have to believe that all the signs point to him not being granted this. You have lots of evidence and advocates on your side.

That judge made the wrong decision and it’s been absolutely awful for your DD, but the next hearing should be better. They have to act in the interests of the child and you have a lot of evidence now that contact - even supervised contact - is not in her best interests.

Keep going. Keep talking. Please keep trying with Women’s Aid, even if you need a day off work to do it.

You really need a website called 'The Nurturing Coach'
There are paid slots on there but a lot of the advice is for free.
Please, please check it out,
and no I don't get paid for pointing towards it.

It is the kind of website I wish I had discovered when I was going through the family court.