Aibu to not buy them Christmas presents

[Allaboutthecake]

A couple of years ago my brother left his wife and three teenage children and went off with another woman who has three very young boys. His own children will now have nothing to do with him. He now lives with the other woman and her children. We’ve never met the children and we only see my brother and his girlfriend every two or three months.

When they got together we made a huge effort to be friendly and as such we bought her children Christmas presents. I put a huge amount of effort into thinking what to buy them and also did a little gift bag of Christmas goodies, ie chocolate and sweets for them each. We didn’t even get a thank you for the presents. We did the same the following year and still no thank you. To be honest I’m pretty pissed off about it. These are children that we don’t have any interest in, as they are not our nephews but we felt we should make an effort.

Given the lack of previous thank yous, would I be unreasonable to just not buy the boys any Christmas presents this year. We don’t really exchange personal presents with my brother, usually just wine and chocolate and we’ll continue to do that.

I’m a being a bitch or is it ok to leave the boys out of it.

It’s not the same situation but a friend of a family member has always bought our children Christmas and birthday presents. We do actually text them and thank them, and whilst our children are grateful it is very odd for them as they have never met this person (I’ve only met them twice myself) and as they’re not a relation have no idea who they are really. They don’t even live locally so that we could arrange for them to meet. I’m always torn between finding it slightly odd as this person has their own grandchildren that they regularly see who they could be spending their money on (and having to text someone I also barely know to thank them is strange) but also finding it endearing that this person seems to gain pleasure from treating young children.

In your position, I never would have started buying presents for children I didn’t know and would have spent the money on my nephews instead, especially if their Dad left their family unit to join someone else’s. I would definitely stop now as the lack of thanks or acknowledgement make a slightly odd situation even more awkward.

I personally wouldn’t buy for a child once they leave school. That would be my cut off point.
I remember a family friend still buying me a present when I’d left home and was living with my DH-to be. I was actually embarrassed and wanted her to stop, but couldn’t say it to her.

Your DB said thank you.
You would like a second thank you.
I don't understand why you started buying them gifts.

@Cheeeeislifenow

Your DB said thank you. You would like a second thank you. I don't understand why you started buying them gifts.

When someone gives you a gift that isn’t going to be opened straight away do you say thank you or not.

Do you then never mention it again when you’ve opened the present and seen what it was. If so I think that’s rude.

I’ve explained that I bought them presents because I thought it was a nice thing to do. I was trying to be friendly and inclusive to her children.

"Your DB said thank you."
I don't think a "Cheers, Sis," at handover really counts as a thank you.

But then, MN always surprises me with the number of people who seem to think it is a huge affront to be expected to thank others for a gift.

I say thank you straight away as your DB did as it was handed over straight away. By your own admission you never see the kids. I think he has said thank you on behalf of his family at the time of receiving.

I think you're standards of gift giving are higher than others and you are getting cross if others are not up to your standards.
This year make life easier on yourself with generic selection boxes

Honestly, if I were their mother I wouldn’t want you getting them presents. I have to manage how much stuff my children get and often tell uncles and aunts not to worry about getting anything at all. So maybe their mother doesn’t want any more stuff for them?

But you don't know what the gift is when it is handed over?
And would it really hurt to say it again, properly, when you know what it is?
We had an anniversary party recently, and most people brought presents. If they were handed directly to me, then of course I said thank you, as you would for anyone handing you something, even a cup of tea.
The real thanks were sent after we'd opened them, seen the thought and care that had gone into selecting them and then writing a card referencing the specific item in some way.
Whilst I'm not suggesting these children/this family should write their thanks - a phone call/text/email would suffice. I always made my kids acknowledge presents they received, but it seems it's a dying art.

@Frankzappa22

Honestly, if I were their mother I wouldn’t want you getting them presents. I have to manage how much stuff my children get and often tell uncles and aunts not to worry about getting anything at all. So maybe their mother doesn’t want any more stuff for them?

That's pure projection. And only on MN can an OP making a nice and thoughtful gesture get it turned around as if she's somehow being a nuisance. And are you suggesting that the lack of thanks is some kind of coded message to get her to stop giving them gifts? Because that would be all kinds of fucked up.

You've never even met the kids so why bother? They are obviously not involved in your family. So no, dont buy anything for them. No doubt they get presents from their parents families, who they probably have a relationship with, so I doubt they'll be missing out if you don't buy for them.