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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sharing Christmas

19 replies

Pumpkinpatch98 · 07/11/2021 07:45

Dp has a ds with ex wife who is 9. Ds an ex wife only communicate via e-mail by my dps insistence because she is extremely verbally abusive. Ex is the resident parent and we currently have ds every other weekend and half the holidays. My dp has court application underway at the moment to get these days set in stone because often times she will change her mind and not let him come.

One massive sticking point is christmas day and boxing day. She won't budge, absolutely refuses for dp to ever have him on these dates. The reason she gives is he doesn't want to.

Ex is now willing to have a consent order for the current arrangements if dp agrees to not having him at Christmas ever.

I think dp should let the court case proceed as every child has a right to see their parents at Christmas so these days should be shared. AIBU?

OP posts:

logsonlogsoff · 07/11/2021 07:49

If it’s going to court she doesn’t need to consent - the court will look at what your asking for over special events, eg Xmas and try to be fairZ so decide if you’re going to do every other Xmas or a split like Xmas eve/Xmas morning for one and Xmas afternoon/
boxing day for other.

logsonlogsoff · 07/11/2021 07:50

Sounds like you should get this all locked down regardless.

Restlessinthenorth · 07/11/2021 07:50

The child is 9. Ask him! My DC's have very regular contact with their dad but do not ever go xmas day. Because they don't want to. They want to be in the house they consider to be home, which is mine. I would let them go every other year if they wanted, but they simply don't, even though the have a great relationship with their dad more generally. Maybe it's the same here?

Why are you pushing your husband on this? Kindly, it's not your child and it's up to the two of them to decide. Keep out of it

josssie · 07/11/2021 08:12

Mine never went to her fathers on Christmas or Boxing Day because she didn't want to go. I think they prefer to be with the parent they spend most time with and house they're used to.
Ask DS what he'd like to do, although as long as he feels loved and supported surely this is the most important part. Maybe when he's older he'll choose.

phoenixrosehere · 07/11/2021 08:16

Does the 9 yo actually want to come for Christmas and Boxing Day?

How is the 9 yo when he’s with his dad? Does he enjoy the time? Has he said he would want to spend the holidays with you?

phoenixrosehere · 07/11/2021 08:21

By the sounds of things, Christmas and Boxing Day is not what you should be focused on but on whether or not, he is choosing not to go or is his mother deciding for him?

Original poster

Pumpkinpatch98 · 07/11/2021 08:41

With regards asking him whether he wants to have Christmas here, this is something dp is unwilling to do as he feels it would put undue pressure on him.

His ds always seems to enjoy his time here, my dp and I have a 2 year old and despite the age gap they get on brilliantly. He's never suggested he doesn't like being here at home with his Dad, he's a complete chatter box, as soon as he walks in he's laughing and chatting away constantly.

We know that what his mum says about his wishes don't actually always come from him.

OP posts:

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 07/11/2021 08:45

So when someone else asks him where he would rather be because your dh wont wont like the answer, if the child says he would rather be at his home with his mum, then what?

Whats christmas eve and day like in your house? What are your routines? What’s his bedroom like?

RAFHercules · 07/11/2021 08:57

Pumpkinpatch98
Re asking DS who he wants to spend Xmas with

This is something DP is unwilling to do as he feels it would put too much pressure on him

You've lost me here? So your DP would rather just demand that DS comes to you at Xmas instead of asking him? even if the child doesn't want to?

rwalker · 07/11/2021 09:02

Your on a no win she doesn't sound reasonable and if she pisses about with contact day properly think nothing of guilting him over Christmas .

She interested in herself not the child .

Original poster

Pumpkinpatch98 · 07/11/2021 09:04

Dp doesnt ask him as it is essentially asking a 9 year to choose between his 2 parents. He will already be under a lot of pressure from his mum. In September when email exchanges began regarding contact at Christmas, ds said to dp when he was dropping him back at his mums after his weekend with us that "Mummy says I should tell you I want to spend Christmas at home with Mummy" dp felt like ds had been prompted to say it.

Just to add a bit of context, to understand the pressure I mean from his Mum. Dp has an adult daughter who lives away from home with her boyfriend. Dp has invited his dd and boyfriend to spend Christmas with us. The reply from his dd was her and her boyfriend would love to spend Christmas with us, but she is anxious how her mum would react if she did.

Christmas routine is probably like most people's, games and buffet Christmas eve, pressies and big lunch Christmas day and more games. I have a dd aswell as the one we share so it's very child orientated.

He has his own room, decorated how he wanted it, etc and his own bathroom.

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 07/11/2021 09:07

I’m sorry but if you DH isn’t going to ask his 9 yo son what he wants, why does he think demanding it would make things better?

phoenixrosehere · 07/11/2021 09:12

Just saw the update. If your DH does take it to court, couldn’t he suggest that their son be able to talk to a court-appointed third party of sorts? Perhaps, his son would feel more comfortable opening up to someone outside of his parents and said person could speak on his behalf to a judge?

Strictly1 · 07/11/2021 09:14

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

So when someone else asks him where he would rather be because your dh wont wont like the answer, if the child says he would rather be at his home with his mum, then what?

Whats christmas eve and day like in your house? What are your routines? What’s his bedroom like?

This is presumptuous. I think dad is right here - asking is unfair. I see so many children torn between two loving parents who can't agree. It's the children who suffer - trying to keep both parents happy.

FelicityPike · 07/11/2021 09:14

@phoenixrosehere

I’m sorry but if you DH isn’t going to ask his 9 yo son what he wants, why does he think demanding it would make things better?

I agree, especially if the poor child doesn’t want to spend Christmas at his dad’s.

Original poster

Pumpkinpatch98 · 07/11/2021 09:24

The court process is already underway and dp has asked for shared alternative christmas and Easter.

Dp has already had his conversation with caffcass and they have said they don't need to speak to his ds but will obviously be speaking to his ex.

I have no doubt that ds would have a wonderful christmas at his mums, he would also have a wonderful time here. Its not about making demands, it's about giving him the opportunity to enjoy christmas time with both his parents.

OP posts:

Strictly1 · 07/11/2021 09:29

There are some anti-dad posts here. Dad is right to leave it to the courts and not drag a child into to get what he wants. Professionals are used to the manipulation and will hopefully see through it IF it is there.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 07/11/2021 09:40

In that case, the less damaging course of action for all involved would certainly be to remember christmas is not just one day, it is a liturgical season. Spread the joy.

Start incorporating lots of new traditions across twelve days. Maybe make the feast of the holy family, which will fall on dad’s day every year as it now stands, (sunday between christmas day and new years day) as a big day to celebrate. As it is celebrating step-families. Do Christmas day in full again. Get more presents. Have a meal. Have a full day focused on family. Games, day trip, happiness.

Look to other Christian countries traditions and steal their traditions. Or monks. They know how to drag it out well into the new year. Start in dec with Coin in shoes on st nicholas’s day. Have presents on the epiphany.

Theres a wealth of christmastide exciting family focused activities out there that will enrich the children’s Christmas experience well beyond one day.

PhoenixReincarnated · 07/11/2021 10:02

Agree with Strictly1 that there are some anti dad posts here and I speak as a single mum from when my youngest dc was 6. My ex and I used to split the day (most years) and on one memorable occasion they stayed over until Boxing day. I missed them terribly but my dc deserved to spend Christmas with both of us, so I put my feelings to one side. They were happy and that was what mattered.

OP you do need to find out what your dss wants preferably via a third party. Then go from there as to whether your dp asks for Christmas and Boxing day or not.

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