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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty about not taking DD to fireworks

24 replies

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 21:51

Not really a AIBU but I do feel guilty
Quick backstory so not to drop feed DH served 3 tours of duty Afghan/Iraq his last tour was by far the worst lost his boss and colleagues and he can not cope with fireworks he functions day to day fine with his ptsd but bonfire/new year is hard for him,
We have 3 DC DS1 at uni, DS2 17 out with friends at a display.
That leaves me and DD 12 I also suffer with Mental health CPTSD for very different reasons I’m unable to work for the last 4 years I also suffer with extreme anxiety I don’t leave the house unless for therapy or for DD activities when DH can’t do it.
So DD asked if I could take her to the local cricket club as her friends were going but said she would be off with them on the fair etc so that would leave me stood alone and anxiety I just couldn’t do it but also couldn’t let DD go alone her friends were with older siblings but essentially on there own there
So have had a upset DD and now I feel like the worst mum I should of taken her and just put up with it.
We did have a takeaway and sparklers plus the dog is only a pup so she was with him on the sofa a lot of the night
Should I of just done it regardless ?

OP posts:

Xmassprout · 06/11/2021 21:54

No you shouldn't have done it regardless.

Sometimes kids don't get to do what they want. Missing fireworks isn't going to harm her in away. She can go when she's older or next year if another parent will be a chaperone

shouldistop · 06/11/2021 21:54

At 12 I think I'd have let her go with her friends. Dropped her off and picked her up maybe 2-3 hours later.
I'm pretty sure I went off for the day with my friends at that age and I didn't have a mobile phone until I was a bit older.

shouldistop · 06/11/2021 21:57

Or if you weren't comfortable leaving her completely alone then I'd have sat in the car and read a book or listened to music.

Anyway it's done now and she won't be scarred by missing one thing.

Original poster

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 22:03

I should add that she’s only just turned 12 and y7 and will only go to the local village shop alone her choice, my eldest was getting the bus across oxford to school at that age I know we have to build up her independence but tonight was definitely not the night dark hundreds of people drunk teenagers etc

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 06/11/2021 22:03

I don't think you are necessarily unreasonable as it sounds like you are very unwell. There isn't much point in feeling guilty about it. However, I would be quite concerned about the impact of your mental health issues on your dc if you are virtually housebound because of your anxiety. That's quite extreme, and although it isn't your fault, it will affect her, I'm afraid. Are you getting help with your condition?

SueSaid · 06/11/2021 22:11

She won't be scarred by missing fireworks but I do think you could've gone for an hour. Sorry you are anxious but if you leave the house for kids activities you could've done so here. Don't let your dc lose out because you won't push yourself.

Original poster

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 22:11

@AlexaShutUp

This is one of my biggest fears of my illness impacting on my children so far it doesn’t seem to be but I’m not stupid I know it will affect them all on some way She does activities 4 times a week some I have to take her to as DH isn’t back from work but the rest he does do. I’m on a lot of medication under community mental health, see a psychologist weekly and have a support worker that comes to me twice a week to gradually expose me to the wider world so yes I’m doing it all I want to get better and be back to the great person I was but I took the perpetrator of my longstanding child hood CSA (7+ years) to court 4 years ago but I’m a lot better than I was That’s gone a bit off tangent I know it won’t harm her to miss one event but the fact she had to makes me sad she’s a good kid and it makes it harder just makes me want to get better faster if that’s possible

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 22:19

@JaniieJones

I appreciate what your saying I could of but I would of been stood alone with over 800 people I need a support worker to leave my village My DDs activities that I do is private dance lesson just me her and her teacher and a horse riding lesson the same I sit in the cafe alone I know I sound like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but a big difference one to one to over 800 people some drunk in the dark alone

OP posts:

Notagoodmonth · 06/11/2021 22:43

Op I don't blame you and my dc also did sparklers.

We do make an effort at other times though when it's quieter for things.
Bonfire night is tricky, so crowded and busy etc.

Notagoodmonth · 06/11/2021 22:44

The last fireworks we went too were ruined by one incredibly drunk man, I felt sorry for him he must have dreadful problems, but I couidnt relax and we moved away from him but he was right by the exit and entrance all the time.

It's not a big deal, try and book something more gentle less xmassy things for later on in December.

Hamsteronrollerblades · 06/11/2021 22:48

She has a loving mum and a cute pup and had take out. She is winning quite frankly! I wouldn’t let her go alone at 12, crazy night in many places. You need to put your health first - that is the right thing to do. I hope it gets easier for you soon. You shouldn’t have done it anyway. Look after yourself.

00100001 · 06/11/2021 22:52

If you didn't have anxiety would you have let her go around with her friends?

Why couldn't you just wait in the car for her? Why would that be different to standing around waiting from a safety perspective?

TeeTotaller1 · 06/11/2021 23:00

Don't feel guilty, sometimes we cant always do the things we want to
She's learnt a life lesson this evening
Worst case scenario is that you could have got incredibly anxious and then she would have been in a situation where she might have panicked seeing her Mum not very well. You made the right call.
She's old enough to understand, and next year will be better for everyone because you would have conquered your demons and you'll be going with her

Eltonsglasses · 06/11/2021 23:04

I don't think this thread is going to be helpful for you OP

Be kind to yourself, hide the thread and go and do something relaxing - your DD will be ok

Original poster

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 23:07

@00100001

If you didn't have anxiety would you have let her go around with her friends?

Why couldn't you just wait in the car for her? Why would that be different to standing around waiting from a safety perspective?

I can’t drive despite passing my test many years ago due to my illness and medication I wouldn’t of let her go alone if I wasn’t well no but I would of gone and socialised with all the other school/dance mums I know quite a lot but my illness doesn’t allow me to do that So that’s the AIBU two parents with mental health my DH was in the forces for 17 years now high up on public services in a qualified early years teacher and did that for many years and other jobs we have lived all over the world But going back to tonight is the guilt I feel justified probably not is she scared for life probably not but doesn’t stop me comparing myself to other mums

OP posts:

PlanktonsComputerWife · 06/11/2021 23:12

A 12 year old without an adult to an event like that? No way... . You did the right thing.

00100001 · 06/11/2021 23:16

So, if you had no health issues, you would have let her go and then stuck with the other parents and waited, yes?

I just can't understand why you couldn't have essentially dropped her off and collected her later and waited where ever you felt comfortable?

If you can't drive, are you getting buses/taxis etc when you take her places?

cheeseismydownfall · 06/11/2021 23:20

OP, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and you made the call that was right for you based on what you can manage right now. Don't feel bad - parenting is a never ending succession of second-guessing our judgements, and I'm sure like all loving parents you get more calls right than wrong. It's great that you are getting support with your anxiety, you should be proud of yourself for working hard to overcome what you've been through.

My only suggestion is to take this an an opportunity to think how you might be able to forward plan for any events your DD might want to take part in in the run up to Christmas (late night shopping etc) and get a plan in place for how you can facilitate it in a way that you can manage, whether that is arranging a lift for her or whatever. Best wishes to you.

PickAChew · 06/11/2021 23:22

It's not a life changing level of missing out. Both of our local displays were cancelled again, this year. I doubt if we will have a whole neighbourhood of traumatised children, a a result.

Given yuur circumstances, probably wise t arrange for her to go with friends, if possible, in future years.

neamchimpsky · 06/11/2021 23:25

I have no MH issues, and there's absolutely no way is have let a just 12 yr old DD go off with friends at a large event like that. Try framing this not as something you couldn't do but rather as a parenting choice you made. Lots of parents don't take their children to large fireworks events for all sorts of reasons. You are giving her wonderful opportunities in other ways, the dance lessons and house riding are fantastic opportunities. You care for her, you spend time with her. You and your dh are doing the best you can and that's an awful lot more than others. Focus on what you do to enrich her life, not the limitations. It sounds like you do plenty!

MiddleParking · 06/11/2021 23:28

I think you should have taken her, yes.

Original poster

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 23:43

Bonfire night wasn’t a issue till 2007 till 2013 with my husband and it’s very valid and I support him and don’t expect him to deal with my issue DD had a nice cuddle before bed and we have Manchester Xmas market with grandma and auntie booked I can push through but it’s awful we had her birthday break booked for Alton towers in September but we had covid so re arranged two weeks ago I went and it was horrific she didn’t see it but I was vomiting behind rocks because of anxiety but I did it for my little girl before people say that

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 07/11/2021 00:21

You made the right choice. She'll be fine. for you

SueSaid · 07/11/2021 08:10

'It's not a life changing level of missing out'

Of course it isn't a life changing level, but it is still missing out and why should a dc miss something very simple like this. No social interaction needed, no pressure, no demands, just putting a dc first and getting out of comfort zones. It's the principle imo ,not the actual missing the event. I have sympathy for anyone with challenges, like most we as a family face our own but avoiding things has never been an option. You show your dc your can be strong and determined and put them first when possible.

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