Can I keep my children away from partner's family?

[Cantquitegetmyheadroundit]

I have NC'd for this.

I know that my SIL is on Mumsnet. We are on the same threads quite a bit. I know it's her, it just is. Something happens in her life, she writes about it. That part is not in doubt, in any way at all.

I've recently read some of her comments that are just horrible, and really revealed her to be a mean person. A little narcissistic, lacking compassion (particularly for family members). I've known the family for 15 years now, I don't recognise it, the way she speaks of them. If it really is like that - OMG! If it isn't - what is she playing at? ho can she see the word like that?

I am now splitting from my partner, and he says 'I just want to bring them round to my sisters'. My heart drops. I really doubt her moral compass, and she's really not a nice person, sorry. I wouldn't choose for my kids to be around someone like her, but do I have to suck this up?

She has never been a huge fan of mine, I have I the past thought she actually dislikes me, she's got a bullyish type fo personality. I think she has some communication difficulties, and I just accepted her rudeness as that whenever I was around her. But now I see this is something potentially deeper, something a bit more. And I do think, if someone really doesn't like you, can they really like your kids?

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to attempt to keep my kids away? I can't really tell their dad about what I now know, the things she has said on here would impact their family quite a bit. That's really not my place. I want out of the family, not to be in the middle of a scandal. And really, I don't need to rock the boat even more on the way out of a relationship.

I just don't really want my kids around it either!

'How can she see the world like that?"

typo

Why would you start a thread that can potentially give your SIL ammunition

No you can’t stop your ex partner from seeing his family.

I'm afraid when you split up you have to relinquish control a little over who your kids see in the other parents' contact time. Your ex is not gonna keep the kids away from his sister just because you say so.

I'm split from Ex and can't stand his family, the things they say to my kids really annoys me. But I just have to manage it as and when they come back and say "grandad says pink is for girls when I showed him my pink top" etc. Annoying, but like I say just part of the joys of splitting up!

You can't. He is as much their parent as you and unless he is putting them in danger, there's really not much you can do that wouldn't hurt your children more than help them.

A lot of people are deeply unpleasant. You would be better off teaching your children how to deal with difficult people. That is an important life skill.

Unless you want to show your ex her posts, blow their family apart and cause a lot of people a lot of pain, then you just have to accept they'll spend a bit of time with someone you think is mean.

If you restrict access to the paternal side of the family it will come back and bite you on the bum. DC tend to either hero worship them as they dob't know them or think it is their fault they don't know half their family and its something wrong with them. DC have to learn to navigate difficult people and family dynamics. It is an essential part of child development. And when it boils down to it, they have more rights than you to know and be incontact with their heritage. You will just have to hope that your ex partner has their best interests at heart, as you do, and will protect them from anything truly harmful.

A little narcissistic, lacking compassion (particularly for family members). I've known the family for 15 years now, I don't recognise it, the way she speaks of them. If it really is like that - OMG! If it isn't - what is she playing at? ho can she see the word like that?

Gosh are you my SIL? She literally said something very similar to me last week. Just joking, we definitely are not SIL but there are some similarities in our situations which may or may not influence your perspective.

I think my SIL is genuinely a really nice and genuinely a very good person but I also think she is completely naive to the reality of my family. She literally asked me how I can see the world the way I see it too. But I have experienced very different things in life to what she has experienced, specifically in my family, and that has clouded my view in a way that her lack of that experience doesn’t allow to happen. Maybe it is similar for you and you just don’t have your sister in law’s experiences with family and that prevents you from seeing her world view.

As regards to being narcissistic and lacking compassion, again personally I absolutely amn’t in any other aspect of my life I am a good friend, I am a good employee, I am a good wife and I am a good parent and I don’t behave in any way narcissisticly in those contexts but my family was extremely dysfunctional and there was abuse growing up and with them behaving narcissisticly was a survival strategy because of the stuff that was going on during my upbringing. Or in other words I had to look after myself because others who should have been doing it were emotionally unavailable to do it.

Maybe cut your SIL some slack, you are divorcing her brother so obviously there were issues with him too so maybe there is more to what your SIL is saying than meets the eye.

I don’t think you will be able to control what your ex does in terms of meeting with family so maybe you can change your perspective on your SILs perceptions instead.

You can't stop him once he's your ex. And even with him it's hard to stop.

@YourFinestPantaloons

I'm afraid when you split up you have to relinquish control a little over who your kids see in the other parents' contact time. Your ex is not gonna keep the kids away from his sister just because you say so.

I'm split from Ex and can't stand his family, the things they say to my kids really annoys me. But I just have to manage it as and when they come back and say "grandad says pink is for girls when I showed him my pink top" etc. Annoying, but like I say just part of the joys of splitting up!

You're probably right.

ouch

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You can't. He is as much their parent as you and unless he is putting them in danger, there's really not much you can do that wouldn't hurt your children more than help them.

A lot of people are deeply unpleasant. You would be better off teaching your children how to deal with difficult people. That is an important life skill.

Unless you want to show your ex her posts, blow their family apart and cause a lot of people a lot of pain, then you just have to accept they'll spend a bit of time with someone you think is mean.

Nah would never do that.

Just sit quietly and try to bolster my children then.

This splitting up thing is harder than I thought... or, the bits I thought would be hardest, aren't.

No you can't stop him. If he wants them to see his sister, he has every right to take them. Just the same as he couldn't stop you taking them to see someone he disliked.

She’s allowed to vent.

Lots of people think things but don’t act in them because they know how to behave.

Bring your kids up with string values. I heard all sorts of dreadful stuff (racist etc) from one lot of aunts / grandparents: my Mum’s (and to be fair, Dad’s) views gave me a very critical view from a very early age and I absorbed none of it. They didn’t slag off the family members, just gave reasoned arguments that we as children understood.

@stingofthebutterfly

No you can't stop him. If he wants them to see his sister, he has every right to take them. Just the same as he couldn't stop you taking them to see someone he disliked.

Agree with this

She's allowed to vent, your allowed to tell dh what you know if you don't want them around there. If he still thinks it's fine nothing you can do but you can't expect him to take your word