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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expecting GP’s to help with disabled grandchild? AIBU??

81 replies

ALmomma · 05/11/2021 22:17

Basically my oldest daughter is severely disabled due to a HSV 1 virus which has had such a lasting impact on our life, I had to give up my job to look after her full time and it is taking its toll on my marriage I can’t see us being together much longer. Due to the severity of her needs DD will need lifelong care. When I was expecting her my mother always went on about how she was looking forward to being a grandparent and couldn’t wait to do things as a family, even said she would watch her so I could work etc. Ever since she’s been diagnosed with her disability she’s done a 180 and basically said she did it on her own as a single mother and basically just to get on with it. I get she is entitled to her own life, but I just don’t think it’s right morally to not bother with your grandchild who needs extra help. AIBU? Maybe I’m just being too sensitive? I don’t know. Thanks for taking the time to read.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2021 22:23

I don’t think morals come into it. Maybe she’s not comfortable in her ability to care for your daughter.

Things sound extremely difficult for you and I can see why you’d hope for more help but you can’t make her be there for you in terms of childcare, or to want to.

Is she a good listening ear? Does she call to check in? What’s your relationship like? There are things she can do to support you that aren’t childcare.

x2boys · 05/11/2021 22:25

I hear you ,I have a severely disabled child too ,he has severe non verbal autism and learning disabilities ,however in my case my parents are too old to cope with his needs and i can't really expect them too , unfortunately it don't really think you can expect grandparents to take care of a disabled child's if they refuse ,I do realise this is hard

blameitonthecaffeine · 05/11/2021 22:27

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and that your mum isn't supportive.

Ultimately, I don't think expectations should ever be put on grandparents. Any help they give should always be because they want to. But it's really sad that she doesn't want to.

Original poster

ALmomma · 05/11/2021 22:30

It’s more the emotional side of things, I’m struggling with the diagnosis. The childcare I can understand, but she doesn’t actually come round to see her or phone to see how she is, or how things are in general. I just couldn’t imagine my daughter struggling with something like that and not dropping in to see how things are.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 05/11/2021 22:33

It’s fear.

Might she help with your younger child/children?

Smartiepants79 · 05/11/2021 22:34

What kind of care are we talking about? How is care currently shared between you and her father? If you split up will he still be doing his share?
I think ‘expecting’ anyone to provide care for a severely disabled child when they are untrained (and unpaid) is a big ask.
Of course you might hope that a parent might want to help out her child and grandchild but it’s not quite the same as having a toddler for a couple of days a week while you go to work.
There is no end point to the care required? It’s difficult to judge without knowing more about your mothers situation and the demands being made on her. Are you expecting the same thing from her other grandparents?

LittleDandelionClock · 05/11/2021 22:35

How old is your daughter? And how long ago was she diagnosed?

x2boys · 05/11/2021 22:35

@ALmomma

I think you need to find people who understand your child's. Needs ,in my case I have found friends who have children with similar disabilities,we support each other no

TrashyPanda · 05/11/2021 22:36

How was she before the diagnosis?

I’m very sorry that you are in such a difficult situation

Winecheesesleep · 05/11/2021 22:38

I'm really sorry, I can imagine how difficult that would be and how that would hurt. I don't think YABU.

Evesgarden · 05/11/2021 22:38

YANBU OP. I dont think you are expecting them to have her on on regular days/hour but a few hours here and there so you can get break.

She should want to help her daughter out - you, as that's what families do -take care of each other.

drpet49 · 05/11/2021 22:40

YANBU. How any mother could stand by and watch her daughter lose her job and marriage and do nothing to help is beyond me.

Shame on your mother OP.

Original poster

ALmomma · 05/11/2021 22:42

DH’s folks have sadly passed on a few years ago. I don’t know what would happen tbh if we split, he isn’t coping either with it all. And my father basically told me ‘not to bring everyone else’s mood down with me because I’m having a shit time of it’ we were all close before I had her so that’s why it’s so disappointing. It’s actually breaking my heart my daughter is like this and I honestly have nobody.

OP posts:

user1471457751 · 05/11/2021 22:42

Are there other grandparents around? If so, and they don't help either, it seems unfair to single out your mother

Annonnimoouse42 · 05/11/2021 22:44

People can be very strange. My DS got dropped like a hot potato when he was diagnosed with ASD as a young teenager, despite there being input from GP until then. I did challenge it but the response was that he was too disabled now to join GPs at weekly family dinner that rest of family and his cousins attend.

Pumpkinsonparade · 05/11/2021 22:45

My dm never helped with the dc but would come over and iron!! Or do washing up /clean windows.. She wasn't very maternal but would never have had me struggle...
Could you get a cleaner to free you up some time?

WonderfulYou · 05/11/2021 22:45

YANBU if I ever become a grandma I’ll always help my DD out because I know how hard being a parent is.

Have you spoken to her openly about it?

tootiredtospeak · 05/11/2021 22:47

You and your DH have each other and your the best ones to know how the other feels as you probably both feel the same. Your allowed to be hurt sad lost heartbroken at what could have been. Scream cry shout do what you need to and then take a deep breath and carry on because she needs you. You can do it.

HotPenguin · 05/11/2021 22:51

That does sound tough. You word your post as being about your DM supporting her grandchild, but really isn't this about her supporting you? I can imagine your DM might be fearful of looking after a child with high medical needs, but she could support you by listening and showing empathy or doing practical jobs like shopping or cleaning. Of course noone is obliged to support family members in this way, but I would be pretty disappointed if my own DM didn't support me at a difficult time.

How recent was the diagnosis? Could your DM perhaps be in denial, and her behaviour is her way of coping by blocking it out? It might be worth giving her some time and explaining clearly to her what she could to do help, like taking out your other children or picking up some shopping.

CatonMat · 05/11/2021 22:55

I think there are few things as hurtful as feeling your child is being sidelined.

It's her grandaughter, I'm sure she could learn what is helpful and pitch in, but I suppose you can't make her.

It must really hurt, though.

Coyoacan · 05/11/2021 22:56

I'm so sorry, OP. But it is easy for people to say what they would do when they are grandparents but as a grandmother myself, I can only say that my strength is waning

saraclara · 05/11/2021 23:00

I'm so sorry.

Offering to look after what you presume will be a healthy and predictable child is very different from caring for a child who can't express their very different and complex needs. So I can see why she might be backtracking.

BUT. The rest of it is grim. Not even giving you emotional support, not visiting, and blaming you for 'ruining the mood'...that's pretty unforgivable on the part of both your parents.

They will be grieving for the life your DD should have had, too. But their way of coping must be very difficult for you.

StillMedusa · 05/11/2021 23:16

I'm a grandparent and can't imagine not wanting to help and support my daughter in any circumstances... but then I'm only 54 and have worked most of my adult life with children who have severe disabilities so it doesn't scare me.

I'm assuming your daughter has profound disabilties. Is your Mum perhaps scared of her physical needs (eg epilepsy, needing wheelchairs etc) or maybe is worried that she can't have a connection with your daughter if she can't communicate? Sometimes baby steps are needed to show that a child with severe disabilities is still just a child and there are always ways to connect.

I will say also... the early years after a diagnosis are crap.. they just are.
When my youngest was diagnosed as having a disability at about 8 weeks old, I dropped into a fog of despair and didn't emerge again til he was nearly two. Our marriage suffered, the other chidlren suffered.. it was shit.
BUT gradually we adjusted.. all in our own way and in our own time. And it may be that your Mum just isn't able to deal yet.

My own Mum is lovely, but a worrier and she has had my son once..for a couple of days when he was too ill for school . He's 24.... not everyone can do it and sometimes we have to accept that. My son will need care and support in varying degrees all his life and I have come to accept that.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/11/2021 23:16

I don't think grandparents not providing child care is a moral issue, it's completely up to them how involved they are. I also don't think it's unreasonable to want support from your mum. Is she someone who talks about wanting to help but never follows through or could it be she's overwhelmed by the level of care your daughter needs?

Just10moreminutesplease · 05/11/2021 23:19

YANBU OP. Lots of people will say your not entitled to your mum’s help. But I think that you should be able to rely on family when times are tough.

I’m sorry that’s not the case for you .

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