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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I self sabotage my relationship. Help please

9 replies

anxiousalley · 05/11/2021 20:41

Ok so this will be a long one, but I have lived with this for a long time and I need some help.

I am in a lovely, loving relationship with the most wonderful man I've ever met. He really is, I can't sing his praises enough. He has taken on my two children and they love him, we have a house together, a dog together, go on family holidays, he does things around the home without needing to be asked, he works hard, everything.

I am so scared that I'm going to push him away, and although he reassures me constantly, which is unfair on him to have to do, I just have horrible voice in my head that he'll leave me for some reason.

He is only my second relationship. However, I was very young when I got in my first, lost my virginity to him and had two children. He was abusive in many ways and cheated on me and it really knocked my confidence, a lot more than I first thought when I got out of the relationship, I didn't think that years down the line I'd still feel like this.

So I have only slept with 2 people. My current partner however, has slept with around 20. Which isn't even a great deal of people, but I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage that he's had all of these experiences with different people and i've had nothing.

I wouldn't leave him so I can have more experiences, and I don't really even know what I'm wanting people to reply with, but has anyone ever felt similar? Like someone's done so much more than you, not even just sex experience, but life in general.

We live in a small town, and obviously he hasn't told me names of people he's slept with apart from the ex partners I know about but he had a very large group of friends, and a lot of female friends that looking at past things on Facebook etc they were all very flirty with each other. I didn't have that because I fell pregnant very young and lost all my friends. And a few of the women who he was very openly flirty with, have children at the same school as mine. So I often look at them in the playground wondering if they're laughing at me because I didn't know him when he was younger and he might have been abit of a "lad" and they know him so much better than I do.

Please be kind, I am a grown woman and it's so utterly embarrassing that I'm feeling this way. I feel like I'm constantly comparing myself to others. I have so little actual life experiences and the ones I do have are so so sad it breaks my heart to even reminisce. I do have an anxious attachment style, and I had a very toxic childhood to throw into the mix.

I'm thinking I might need to speak to a professional to help with my self esteem, anxiety, attachment etc and I have mentioned this to him in passing but I couldn't explain the whole way I'm feeling because it's utterly ridiculous.

Thank you if you read it all, I know this will sound like one big ramble and as if it's wrote by a teenager but I can assure you I am late 20s. I don't have the type of mum I can ask for advice so please be kind.

OP posts:
caketiger · 05/11/2021 20:44

It sounds like a lovely relationship. Time to get some counselling though and unpack those demons.

anxiousalley · 05/11/2021 20:47

I agree @caketiger sometimes I can think rationally and think of all the things we have together and of course he isn't going to leave me, I'm being silly.
And then a memory pops up on his Facebook, for example, with all these different girls (women now) at the time commenting and being all flirty and I just think they've probably experienced a whole different side to him which I'll never know and my rational head goes out the window.
A few things trigger it but that's an example

OP posts:
esloquehay · 05/11/2021 20:52

Oh, love, it sounds like an abusive first relationship has really damaged your self esteem. I really think some counselling would help you start to work through some of this. You deserve better than constantly doubting yourself/others. 💐💐💐

anxiousalley · 05/11/2021 20:59

Thank you @esloquehay I think that's what it is. He trusts me wholeheartedly and he knows I don't trust him, but it's never because of anything he's actually done. I look at other peoples relationships and I'm so jealous that they don't have the constant doubts, it's like it's normal for me to question everything he says.

OP posts:
Turtles25 · 05/11/2021 20:59

Your relationship sounds great. Please get help for the damage your ex caused. You are worthy of love and an amazing relationship.

FWIW I'm my husbands first. We were 21 when we got together so I had many sexual partners before him but I was his first and hes never thought anything of it. I've never either, even 12 years on.

anxiousalley · 05/11/2021 21:26

@Turtles25 thank you.
I just sometimes wish I had all of the life experiences he had, the nights out meeting people, sexual experiences, being able to work away etc but I never could but I need to move past it, it's not anything I can change and comparing myself all the time won't help. But that's easier said than done. I am going to speak to my doctors.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 06/11/2021 06:09

I certainly wouldn't laugh at anyone who was now in a relationship with someone I have slept with in the past! If it was a great experience and I didn't end it I might envy them (but I don't because my OH is everything I could ever have wanted) and if it wasn't a great experience or it was a relationship I ended I am more likely to feel sorry for you, but I certainly wouldn't laugh!

anxiousalley · 15/11/2021 14:53

To follow up, I've spoken to my doctor and I have been referred for high intensity CBT. Thank you to those who responded to me.

OP posts:
BeckySharpish · 15/11/2021 15:27

Good for you.
And totally avoid Facebook. It’s upsetting you and making you anxious. So be responsible and treat it like a dangerous poison! Life your life in the here and now and plan your future with confidence.

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