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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset about Mother's Day after Baby Loss

21 replies

livewithit · 05/11/2021 19:42

Am I being unreasonable to be upset with my DH. Both my first two pregnancies ended in loss. My second ended with losing my very premature baby in March. A couple of weeks later my DH spent Mother's Day at his mother's. I ended up at my Mum's. AIBU to be cross that my DH did not spend the day with me?

OP posts:
I8toys · 05/11/2021 19:48

Mothers day is in March? Its now November? Have you let this fester all this time without saying anything?

PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2021 19:50

What was his reason for that? Did you tell him how you felt and that you wanted him to stay with you? Did he spend the whole day there?

Sorry for your losses Flowers

DailyRepeatGuarantee · 05/11/2021 19:52

A lot depends on what was said at the time? Did you discuss it together? What was done about fathers day, similar thing?

PotteringAlong · 05/11/2021 19:53

It was 8 months ago. Did you talk about it at the time? Or on Father’s Day?

How come this is an issue that’s raised it’s head now? Has something happened? Flowers

HeyFloof · 05/11/2021 19:57

Yanbu to feel upset by this. Did he acknowledge you as a Mum and how hard that say would be for you?

I'm so so sorry for your miscarriages and the loss of your precious baby. Flowers

Holly60 · 05/11/2021 20:09

What did you do for Father’s Day?

LawnFever · 05/11/2021 20:12

I’m in a similar position OP, plus I’ve lost my own mum too so all round Mother’s Day is bloody awful but did you talk to him about this?

Why has this come up now when Mother’s Day was so long ago?

jacks11 · 05/11/2021 20:14

Well, I think it depends on why he went, why you didn’t want him to, what discussion the two of you had had (if any) regarding it. Is he normally a good husband, or is this part of a pattern of thoughtlessness/selfishness?

Do you know why he went? Did you ask him to stay with you and not visit his mum, but he ignored your request? If so, did he give a reason?

Loss of a baby/miscarriage obviously only affects the mother physically, with all the additional pain, complications (short and sometimes long-term) that can come with that, but it affects both parents emotionally. Perhaps spending time with his mother was important to him?

It might have just been thoughtlessness, of course, or perhaps he thought you’d rather spend the day with your mum? He might have thought you would not want a reminder of what you has lost. Or perhaps he was a bit all over the place and made the wrong decision. Who knows his reasons, unless you ask him?

In any case, it is probably not a good idea to stew on this for months on end. You need to either decide to move past it and leave it there, or discuss it with him. Silently seething won’t help you- though could be a good displacement activity instead of grieving your loss- nor will expecting him to know why you are angry. Deal with this, don’t let it fester any longer.

livewithit · 05/11/2021 20:36

Thank-you all for kind comments. I am stewing as it was around 20 years ago.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2021 20:39

Has he been a good husband over the last twenty years? It’s probably time to let this incident go. Flowers

TillyDevon · 05/11/2021 20:47

I would let it go. I think when someone feels pain as real as you have it must be easy to get upset at things that feel they make it worse when really the real pain might be your very sad loss. I never put any meaning into Mother’s Day yet am part of a very close family, everyone is different about it and it is unlikely to reflect how much your dh loves you that he wasn’t there or didn’t realise.
I’m so sorry this must be hard and for your hard time then too

UndertheCedartree · 05/11/2021 20:49

Is there a reason this has come up now? It has obviously upset you a lot. Did he know you wanted him to stay with you. I'm very sorry to hear your first 2 babies died. My first did. Take care x

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2021 20:50

Why’s this come up now?

CandyLeBonBon · 05/11/2021 20:51

20 years ago?

Thatsplentyjack · 05/11/2021 20:51

Well I would imagine OP did nothing for his father's day as he did nothing for her mother's day.
That would have really upset me OP. Did he acknowledge it at all?

PotteringAlong · 05/11/2021 21:13

20 years ago? I think if you’re still stewing after 20 years then you need to speak to your husband.

Bluntness100 · 05/11/2021 21:19

Gosh twenty years ago?

That is not normal, is there a back story? Something else going on?

Jonnylovesjazz · 05/11/2021 21:23

@livewithit

Thank-you all for kind comments. I am stewing as it was around 20 years ago.
It can’t be healthy for you to be still stewing on this 20 years later. Have you been able to speak to your husband at all about this, or to anyone else.
ScarletLake · 05/11/2021 21:27

Oh OP, I’m not surprised you felt disappointed and saddened by this. Pregnancy loses are so hard to bear and can shake you for a long time.

I remember having an ectopic pregnancy and surgery around 20 years ago. A few weeks later I had to go to a huge Millennium celebration in a hotel and stay in a lodge with about 15 people I didn’t know. It was hell and I feel sad I wasn’t supported or looked after better by my ex. I still regret not saying how I felt but I was young and muddled/depressed by my experience.

Kite22 · 05/11/2021 22:06

You need to tell us why this has come up now.
Why has this been festering for 20 years?
What did you ask him to do at the time ?
etc.
Out of context, out of the blue, this seems like a strange thing to be cross with your dh about.

DailyRepeatGuarantee · 06/11/2021 19:18

If it wasn't discussed and he just announced what he was doing he was BU if you mentioned what you were going to do before it happened YABU. If he didn't bring it up until the day he may have been awkward about asking you, not wanting to open the wound further etc. I think YABU if it was 20 years ago and it's still bothering you. I am so sorry for your losses though it's something no one can ever understand even if it's happened to them as everyone deals with it differently Flowers

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