Long post about female relationships, looking for some MN insight. Not the biggest issue in the world, but something I am genuinely puzzled about.
I am part of a group of 8 female friend who meet all together about once a month, and who have some smaller meet ups between various people at other times (something to do with school their kids go to, to see a film, etc). The situation I am wondering about involves 2 of the group A and B.
A has always presented herself as the centre of the group. Early I noticed some things which made me wonder about what kind of person she was so we stayed on a casual level - ok to chat with amicably, include in group activities, but not someone I would seek out to spend 1 to 1 time with.
Over the last 10 years I have noticed some things about A that I really don't like. She is always in an argument with someone at work, family or in our group, always presents herself as the victim in these situations, will say she likes stirring up trouble between other people. And does a lot of micro aggression. Like someone someone will be talking about a tough conversation they had to have at work and A will say 'I could never do something like that, I am too nice'. The more I have been wary of her and keeping my distance. I have also noticed I feel better when I limit how much I am around her. She is a massive gossip and always has something negative to say about someone. If she is ever pulled up on something she says she will write it off as harmless, or a joke. A regularly flounces off from the group, which lasts for a short while til the dust settles and someone reaches out to her.
Her latest flounce involved B, who she got to agree to something that the rest of the group disagreed with. B felt very upset by this, and took all the responsibility for it. I feel A set her up and let her take the fall. This time no one has gone after A when she flounced off. It has become clear that, although no one wants to get into gossip and speculation, the rest of the group is as fed up with A as I am. We haven't discussed it but you can tell from what is not said, iyswim.
What is making me really sad is that B is a genuinely lovely woman, who is widely liked by everyone. But I am noticing I want to pull back from her because of her continued association with A. We had developed a nice friendship but it is making me wonder about B that she can be so accepting of so much bad behaviour. It is not that she does not know what A is like, because she has made comments over the years and I know at times has been unhappy about things A has done. But she seems to excuse or write off the bad behaviour which is putting A on the outs with everyone else. To be fair, A has never targeted her like she does to other people.
Have you ever been part of a dynamic like this? What is in it for B? What did your friends do that was helpful or supportive if you were B? I don't plan to do anything drastic, but it is making me so sad that B is getting more isolated. And I do not want to be involved in, or even adjacent to such pointless drama.